9-04 10-04 11-04 12-04 1-05 2-05 3-05 4-05 5-05 6-05 7-05 8-05 9-05 10-05 11-05 12-05 1-06 2-06 3-06
4-06 5-06 6-06 7-06 8-06 9-06 10-06 11-06 12-06 1-07 2/07 3-07 4-07 5-07 6-07 7-07 8-07 9-07 10-07 11-07 12-07 1-08 2-08 3-08 4-08 5-08 6-08 7-08 8-08 9-08 10-08 11-08 12-08 1-09 2-09 3-09 4-09 5-09 6-09 7-09 8-09 9-09 10-09 11-09 12-09 1-10 2-10 3-10 4-10 5-10 6-10 7-10 8-10 9-10 10-10 11-10 12-10 1-11 2-11 3-11 4-11 5-11 6-11 7-11 8-11 9-11 10-11 11-11 12-11 1-12 2-12 3-12 4-12 5-12 6-12 7-12 8-12 9-12 10-12 11-12 12-12 1-13 2-13 3-13 4-13 5-13 6-13 7-13 8-13 9-13 10-13 11-13 12-13 1-14 2-14 3-14 4-14 5-14 6-14 7-14 8-14 9-14 10-14 11-14 12-14 1-15 2-15 3-15 4-15 5-15 6-15 7-15 8-15 9-15 10-15 11-15 12-15 1-16 2-16 3-16 4-16 5-16 6-16 7-16 8-16 9-16 10-16 11-16 12-16 1-17 2-17 3-17 4-17 5-17 6-17 7-17 8-17 9-17 10-17 11-17 12-17 1-18 2-18 3-18 4-18 5-18 6-18 7-18 8-18 9-18 10-18 11-18 12-18 1-19 2-19 3-19 4-19 5-19 6-19 7-19 8-19 9-19 10-19 11-19 12-19 1-20 2-20 3-20 4-20 5-20 6-20 7-20 8-20 9-20 10-20 11-20 12-20 1-21 2-21 3-21 4-21 5-21 6-21 7-21 8-21 9-21 10-21 11-21 12-21 1-22 2-22 3-22 4-22 5-22 6-22 7-22 8-22



"I buy you flowers, you buy me donuts. I get the better end of that deal." - Me to Kat
"You get to eat yours and mine dies." - Kat

Tuesday, 9-27-22: Time to finish some of these nagging projects.
I spent some precious... precious time working in the new home gym last week, and it's finally almost done. Taking this long to make it happen = what a bunch of crap! The gym was functional, but I had a section that needed trim and ceiling tiles. I now have the ceiling tiles up and most of the trim done. I should hang up more RAMBO posters, though. If you don't like RAMBO then I hate you. I probably hate you anyway, but I'll hate you a little more.

I used the gym three times last week, and I had a very good week of exercise. This week I haven't used the downstairs gym, but I did yoga, I did a pathetic 2-mile jog/walk yesterday, and I played Rball today and lost all 4 games to Mike, as usual. I lose 90% of the time. What a bunch of crap! I don't mind losing, but when I get my ass totally kicked and it's not competitive then it sucks. A lot. Thankfully a lot of our games lately have been damn good. Gavin and I played 2 epic games Saturday. I lost both games, but it was so damn close and we emptied the tank on just two games. They were a couple of the best games we've ever had, and that's impressive at our age.

I have other projects that need finishing, and I hope to make good progress on those. I'm taking care of some carpentry at the restaurant here and there, and I'm finally checking more and more off the list. Even though I still plan to leave the restaurant come November I'll still help there. It looks like Kat and the kids plan to keep it going with some changes including possibly reducing hours and changing the menu. We have too many shit hours when we're open so not even bothering to open for the money-losing times makes sense. I'm letting them make the decisions, but I'm still giving my suggestions.

I already have people reaching out to me to do some carpentry. Mike needs a door replaced, Gavin needs more work done at his place, Phil and Danielle are buying a newer house so their old house needs some smaller work before it's listed for sale. Jason wants me to replace roof shingles on a shed/garage at his house. It'll be a small job, probably a couple or three square, but a day here and a day there adds up over a couple months. Same for some of the other work. If I can do several weeks of side carpentry jobs like that then I can *hopefully* do taxes again this winter and then, come spring, I'll make a more solid plan based on how the restaurant has been doing and what other opportunities are out there.

My plan for later this fall and into the winter is not locked in. Who knows what October will bring? September has sucked a lot so hopefully October is better...

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thursday, 9-22-22: I never found myself a career. Did I fail?
I am leaving the restaurant in an official ownership and management capacity, and the aftermath = what a bunch of crap. I put in my notice yesterday and a shitty way, and I feel badly about it. However, I reached a point where I had to start doing what was right for me more often or else I was on a path to be blackout drunk and in the freezer.

Doing the restaurant has been a total fuckin' disaster for mer personally. The past couple years have sucked, bigtime At times I have enjoyed it, but overall it is a bunch of crap. It takes up way too much of my precious... precious time, it's stressful, and it's not my dream. I love my wife and I want her to have her dream, but I blew it by first bringing in the wrong business partners and then by putting her in charge and making her my boss. She has majority ownership and I have made it clear to everyone that it's her restaurant. Hell, it has her name on the marquee!

I broke late Saturday night and Sunday. Kat came in as a customer Sat night, she had a couple drinks and had fun (I'm happy for her that she had fun) but then she got mad at me for some reason and stormed out late-night. I was doing my job well enough, but after that I felt like I was doing shitty. I don't need my wife to be my boss and to come in and yell at me in the middle of the night anymore, F that. I'm out, man. Then I went to the midcoast Sunday and had a really good visit with my family, and being in the woods helped me realize what I really want. More peace. I'm willing to do anything to get that, too.

More peace maybe isn't the right word to use to describe exactly what I want, but I don't want things to go the way they have been going. Kat was mad at me, I was mad at her, and we barely spoke for a couple days unter yesterday morning when I told her I was all done, mentally checked out. Again. I do that sometimes, and it sucks. I start to shut down and I just stop caring. Where is my Morla image, damnit?

^That happens to me a lot lately. What a bunch of crap!

So I told my wife I was done with the restaurant, and I would be leaving. I've actually thought about doing it many times since we opened the place, and now it is happening. She was wondering what would happen to her and I so I told her what I fear might be the truth. We'll have to get done and go our separate ways. I don't know how she can keep doing the restaurant without hating me for leaving? I don't even know if she is going to keep doing it at all, but today she was there a lot and I think it's going to continue?

I do want the restaurant to continue, and I will even support it more financially, but I can't work there as a career anymore. I've never really even had a career. What a bunch of crap! I'll be 47 in a couple months and I'm just drifting along. Does being a landlord for almost 18 years count at all? I don't know. It made me financially well-off, but then the restaurant ended that.

I have so many great friends and people whom I know who have careers. They work in one industry for decades. What's my problem? I've done all kinds of different things over the years, but I never seem to be able to stick it out. What a bunch of crap! Oh well, at least my life isn't boring! I don't really job-hop. I do something for at least a year, and often times for much longer. I've done taxes since 2011, I've done carpentry for many years, I worked at Circuit City for over three years and I got done there because their business was failing and they laid me off. I did the restaurant for a couple years, and I'm not 100% leaving that place unless it closes for good. I'll still help with some things here and there.

We have a lot of money invested into the restaurant/bar. Like, A LOT. More than I'll probably ever have again. I'm so miserable in my life that I don't care about the money, and if we lost it all then oh well we have a nice tax write-off for a long time to come. I'll give the kids ownership incentive to help run the place with their Mom and my wife, if they choose to do so. All three if Kat's kids are really fantastic at the restaurant, and they are very diverse in their skills. Daniel is fast becoming a Jedi in the kitchen, Dillon is a great floor manager and server, and Katherine is a great server/bartender/manager. They can do it without me there. I also believe they can make it successful. I can't do that because I don't have the passion for it. I tried, but I failed.

I'm not leaving the place yet. I'll work as MOD through Halloween because Saturday night the 29th will be crazy busy, and they will need my help. I'll work as much as I can there for the next five weeks and then I'll figure out my next step. I don't even know what my next job will be because it all depends on whether or not Kat and the kids want to keep the place going. If they decide to close it, a decision I would 100% support, then that changes my options. Then I won't do taxes because I won't have a tax office, but who knows maybe by then I'll find a full-time job and I won't do taxes anyway? Hard to say at this point because it's only been a day and a half since I pretty much melted down and told Kat I was leaving.

I actually considered leaving entirely, and by leaving entirely I mean leaving the entire Bangor/Brewer area. I have thought about moving out of state in the past, and in 2010 I actually did move to Georgia for all of about 9 days. What a bunch of crap that was! However, leaving Maine right now doesn't seem like a good idea when I do still love my wife and when my parents are getting old and my father has some serious health concerns. They will need help, and I can't put that all on Jason.

I have the Red Sox vs Yankees game on the TV, and it's the 10th inning. Aaron Judge has 60 home runs and almost hit his 61st but it ended up being a 402-foot long fly ball to dead center. The Sox are pwned this season, and the Yankees just won the game gods damn it! Ah well the Sox are in last place and all done for the season so these games don't even matter.

I can't even write anymore tonight because it will be bedtime soon. I'm not going down to the bar, F that, I'll just rack out. I don't hate the bar at all, but being there tonight is not the right thing to do. It's peaceful here and quiet so that is a great fit for me right now.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Monday, 9-19-22: I should finish the downstairs.
I'm gonna head downstairs shortly and try to finish a small part of the ceiling, some painting and some trim so that gym down there is finally complete. All I wanna know is why? Why didn't I finish it yet? Because I SUCK! It's so close to done, too. I can use the gym, but I have a coner of it still filled with scrap wood and a few other pieces and parts. This is how it looked in the spring:

I do have the treadmill down there now, we moved it down a few days ago, but it's still a bit of a mess. What a bunch of crap! I did get a good workout in earlier, and I really like having the gym here at the house. Too bad I only use it a couple times a week on average, though...

I did go to the midcoast yesterday because Jess took my MOD shift. She wanted the hours and I didn't so that's a win. However, it's not a win because I didn't even tell Kat I was going until an hour before I left. Does that make me a bad husband? I knew she'd get pissy with me and try to find a way to convince me to stay and help with the restaurant. She did get pissed off, too. What a bunch of crap! I'm sick of doing things for other people almost all the time; I'm starting to really hate my life and the only way to start to fix my shit is to bring back a balance. That means doing more things that I actually enjoy doing including going deer hunting this fall. Yesterday wasn't a hunting trip, but Jason and I spent a few hours in the woods getting ready for it. We hung some stands and cut some shooting lanes. Made a little bootleg ground blind for Dad at Jason's lot 88. Had a nice lunch with Mom and Dad. It was a great visit. Too bad it was soured by my wife getting all upset...

Jason bought a beautiful piece of property at a dead-end not too far from where we grew up and used to go swimming when we were kids. He actually bought the land a couple years ago, but I only started hunting with him there last year. It's full of deer because it's a combination of old hardwood forest and grown-in farm land with lots of apple trees. Very private, too. He also has his own amazing land that is great to hunt on, and Mom and Dad's property always yields at least one deer for Dad. The hunting has never been better down there, ever, and I always get stuck up here too much so that needs to change this fall and for the future. For all we know this might be Dad's last year being able to hunt at all...

I guess my "hobbies" and interests don't take up too much precious... precious time each year. Hunting in the fall takes quite a bit if I actually take it seriously, but doing yoga, lifting some weights, and playing racquetball each week doesn't take that long yet I so often find reasons to fuck it away and not do it enough. What a bunch of crap! I have a few other things I enjoy doing, but I can do those with Kat so all I need to do is balance it all out. So far I'm bad at that. Like, really bad. Epic failer me.

^Awarded to myself for not doing enough of the things that I enjoy doing in life. That has to change now.

I'm gonna drag out my bow and see if I can zip a few arrows before I do any more work. I gotta wax the strings and hope the rubber piece that holds the peep sight in place isn't rotted away. If it is rotted no shooting for me today! I should have started shooting my bow in August, but I suck. A lot.

Speaking of sucking a lot, the Red Sox are in last place what a bunch of crap! Their season is all but over, and the Patriots are 1-1 in the early season. I haven't watched a Patriots or a Red Sox game in a long time other than some TV highlights. Yesterday when the Pats were playing (and winning) Jason and I were both in the woods. He and I haven't done anything like that in years so I'm really glad I was able to get off work to go. Plus I got to see my nephew and niece so it was a good day all around for me.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday, 9-17-22: First update of the month because I stay busy. A lot.
I haven't updated this turd-heap in 18 or 19 days. What a bunch of crap! Ah well, I gots a lot going on even though I don't totally feel overwhelmed like I often have over the past couple years. I dragged out some hunting clothes and treated them with anti-tick-spray, and I plan to spend some time in the woods tomorrow. Maybe? Hopefully! I am on the schedule to work, but I think I have it covered so I can go down to the midcoast tomorrow. It's not time to bowhunt yet, but I want to help Jason do some setup on his land and also stop in and see Mom and Dad. I'm trying to get down to the ol' homestead every couple weeks through fall. Last time I was down there I had to help clean out this:

^Under the back deck. That corugated plastic keeps out rain so they can put stuff under there, but over a decade it collected a lot of leaves and junk so the only way to clean it is to take every panel down, and there are a lot of individual panels. Dad and I worked on it together and got a little under half of it done last time.

Also, all this wook still needs to get stacked and put under that deck:

^Two cords delivered by Cliff over the summer. Their Black Lab, Amos, is kind of an asshole. He means well, but he gets too crazy when all you even try to do is pet him. He loves to run so I try to run around with him in the yard every time I go visit. He plays fairly rough, but he is a good dog. He's just obnoxious.

This month has been flying by. I'm working more shifts at the restaurant, and I've learned most of the kitchen so I might take some cooking shifts into the fall if we still struggle to find one more line cook. We interviewed a couple candidates, but no one seems like the right fit so we'll keep looking. We are considering reducing our hours and cutting out lunches entirely Tues, Wed, and Thurs, but that's still only a 50/50 thing. We've had decent enough lunch sales since Labor Day so we'll roll with our weekday lunches for now. Cutting down on hours is not an easy thing to do because it affects a lot of the staff.

The Bangor Waterfront concerts have hurt us a lot this summer, and thankfully they are almost over. There is a concert tonight and tomorrow so maybe we'll do some good supper sales before the show starts. Maybe? Hopefully! I think the last concert is next Thursday night, Stevie Nicks. That would be a great one to attend, but we work too much to even put something like that on our radar. She's in her 70s now so the chances of her coming back to Bangor are really slim. Oh well, I've never been a huge concert fan anyway. Too many people, too many lines to get in and out, beer costs $12, no thanks.

I'm about ready to head back to work for the evening. I did make time to jog and talk to Phil on the phone for a while this afternoon. The weather has been great, a tad on the crisp side with nighttime lows in the 40s and highs "only" in the 60s the past few days. Great weather to go for a jog. I still can't go more than 2 miles without having to walk some, though. What a bunch of crap! I have a lot more that I should write about, but I'm out of time for today so it will have to be next time. At my current pace I won't even write another update at all this month. Gods damn it! I think I'll have time for at least one more update next week...