9-04 10-04 11-04 12-04 1-05 2-05 3-05 4-05 5-05 6-05 7-05 8-05 9-05 10-05 11-05 12-05 1-06 2-06 3-06
4-06 5-06 6-06 7-06 8-06 9-06 10-06 11-06 12-06 1-07 2/07 3-07 4-07 5-07 6-07 7-07 8-07 9-07 10-07 11-07 12-07 1-08 2-08 3-08 4-08 5-08 6-08 7-08 8-08 9-08 10-08 11-08 12-08 1-09 2-09 3-09 4-09 5-09 6-09 7-09 8-09 9-09 10-09 11-09 12-09 1-10 2-10 3-10 4-10 5-10 6-10 7-10 8-10

"You motherfucker. You don't fuck with my family! I'm gonna come up to Maine with a shotgun and shoot your ass." -Kristen's Pop on the phone after I dumped her.

Thursday, 9-30-10: Work commenced today.
I stopped by Home Depot and I put $430 on the store card this morning after my tax class got out. 12 months no interest, beotches. The dude in the paint department told me to buy some stuff where the primer and top coat are all-in-one so I said okay. That stuff is $143 for five gallons and I needed ten gallons so it better not suck. If it's bootleg then I'm going to haul it back over to the Depot and I'm going to punch that tard in his snot-locker so god damned hard that it hospitalizes his mother. (That's what my talking Hartman doll would do.) I guess paying $143 for five gallons of all-in-one paint beats paying $90 for five gallons of primer and $112 for five gallons of top-coat, right? $300 for wall paint including tax. What a bunch of crap! I gots a $5000 budget for this job so that paint better give me some serious mileage. Hopefully it's enough for the entire house and I don't need to buy more!

So I got home, ate food, and went over to the house to start working. Sure is nice commuting ACROSS THE STREET in order to work. My project today was mostly demolition. Fortunately, there isn't much to demolish. A carpet in the master bedroom needed to go and a 10-foot wall in the living room also needed to go. This is what it looked like before I brought sledgie over:


That's the living room and behind that wall is a short foyer. The living room is only about 10x14 feet so it's pretty small. Small living rooms = fail so I executed a plan: operation cancel-hall. Sounds like a military operation! Sledgie made short work of that wall but cleanup and related took a while. It looked like this after a couple hours or so:

Hello, stairs. I left that post in the center for now because I'm pretty sure that if nothing is there then the upstairs will collapse and I don't need this house eating itself. A house that falls down = what a bunch of crap! I should learn some basic structural engineering skills so I know where exactly I need supports. Unfortunately, that takes too much time that I don't have so I'll just wing it and put a post somewhere near the center.

The new living room will now be about 14x14, and as a result of that demolition the entire downstairs looks a lot more open. Hello extra rent for having a better place. Tomorrow I'll try to finish prepping that area and I'll also frame the new bathroom that I plan to add downstairs off the master bedroom. I prepped that area today but I didn't frame anything because there's no power until tomorrow and I didn't feel like hauling timbers across to my place and back in order to make cuts. It can wait until tomorrow gods damnit.

Today is opening day for bow season. Unfortunately, leftover tropical storm Nicole is bringing a deluge up the east coast so I skipped out. I'll go hunting in the rain but screw going when it's 70 degrees and raining sideways. That's too hot and too wet. When it's that bad even the deer say "fuck this!" and usually stay bedded down. Tomorrow will also be nasty and I want to hang out up here this weekend so maybe I'll go midweek next week for a couple days.

Alright you turd-burglars, all two of you, I'm gonna go watch TV or something. I'll try to take more photos of that house as we progress. Hopefully I don't screw anything up and the house is ready for renters ASAP.

Wednesday, 9-29-10: IT'S MINE. 6 DOWN, 4 TO GO!
This house is mine now:

FINALLY! It's about god damn time. I wanted to own this house 1.5 months ago but my fucko banker is too busy playing with his pecka instead of making my loan happen and that is a bunch of crap. I should punch him in his snot-locker so god damned hard that it hosiptalizes his mother. My refinance loan isn't even ready yet but we redid the deal so I could get that house anyway.

That's house #6. I'm over halfway to my goal of owning at least ten buildings! Unfortunately, it will be a while before I buy another one. I know, I know. I've said that in the past and then a year later I buy a new house. However, this time I'm damn serious. I need to save up a lot more money before I even think about buying anything else. I literally owe hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars to various banks and I gotta control my debt to equty ratio or else I could be pwned. It will be nice when I get everything paid off one day! At current market rates I own roughly $775,000 worth of property.

OMG I AM A 3/4 MILLIONAIRE! WHAT HOT, SLUTTY BROAD WANTS TO COME GIVE ME MY "ALMOST RICH" REWARD? Oh wait. The banks own the majority of that wealth so I'm really just ghetto fabulous. In about 20 years I'll be good to go unless some bootleg tornado comes by and eats my precious houses... precious. Once I'm rich for real I can put my pinkie finger out when I drink my Natty Lite. At the rate I'm progressing through life I'll probably still be living here then. I'll buy a gold tooth or something in honor of my epic successes failures in life.

I live in a house sandwich. Pretty cool, huh? Sounds kinda gay but not really. I own one house to my left and one to my right. I'm taking over this neighborhood, beotches! I wonder how many more houses I need to own on this street before I can convince the city to change the name of the thing to RAMBO LANE? Rambo Street? Rambo Way? Rambo Road? Ah, the possibilities are endless.

I OWN THIS FUCKIN' TOWN. My five houses on this side of the river generate about $10,000 a year in property taxes for the city so I think they owe me something great. Technically it's my tenants paying that tax bill when they pay rent to me but who walks into the city hall with a fat check made out to the City of Brewer every six months or so? ME! I'm a VIP, beotches. (I'm also delusional but that can be our little secret.)

That .jpg above looks ridiculous! You know what else is ridiculous? The fact that I just used the dork term .jpg in a sentence. What a bunch of crap! Speaking of ridiculous and a bunch of crap rolled up into one, last night the Red Sox were officially eliminated from the prospect of postseason play with five games left before the season ends. Close but no cigar I tellz ya. The Yankees and Tampa Bay Rays are fighting for the top spot in the division and it should be obvious which team I'd like to see get it. The Sox actually play the Yankees this weekend at Fenway so maybe they can at least play the spoiler role. I'll probably be watching the Stooges and football before I watch the Red Sox, though. Stick a fork in 'em, they're done!

Alright you shitsacks, I gotta do other things and then bivouac. Tomorrow I have to go to tax class and then start working on that house. Hopefully I can get it rented by November but it's too early to tell if that's a realistic possibility or not.

Tuesday, 9-28-10: Tomorrow?
I finished playing AOE II a short while ago and our team won. I have 76 wins and 77 losses since Gav and I joined the Voobly game Zone a couple years back. Maybe it was three years ago? I dunno and it matters not. I didn't play that game at all over the spring and summer but since I'm single and mostly jobless I'm back at it. A group of regulars usually fires up a game around 1900-1930 and I'll hopefully play once or twice a week with them. I've never met any of the regular players besides Gavin. I wonder if they're all a bunch of pasty, zit-faced, twinkie-eating, basement-dwelling fatbodies? They seem pretty cool on the game-thingie but people can be anything online. Hell, I'm RAMBO on here but in real life I'm some scrappy, 150-lb guy who can barely run 3 miles. Today I couldn't even run 3 miles. What a bunch of crap! I had to walk a couple times because I was spent. Took me 25:14 to finish the loop, not good.

^I have the best fake Internet name ever.

I dunno why I've been so bad at jogging lately? Historically this is my best time of year for jogging but not this year. In years past I've been able to do it in under 23 minutes this time of year but this year I haven't been better than 24 at all this month. I blame Kristen! I'm not in horrible shape but maybe I haven't had a balanced routine and that has cost me. I've played more racquetball this year than in years past and that might wear me down. On Friday I played Deno and I beat him in game 1. Then in game 2 I was crushing him, 13-0. Unfortunately, I was totally spent and I ran out of energy and he came back to beat me, 16-14. What a bunch of crap! I knew when I was only two points away from a victory that I was in trouble because my gas tank was on E. I guess I need more stamina so now I gotta figure out how to get it. (When I'm banging your Mom I have plenty of stamina. In, out, in, out, ggggggggeeeeeeetttttttt oooooooooouuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttt!) I could use the fact that I'm getting older as an excuse but Deno is five years older than me so that theory is EPIC FAIL.

I had a lot of days this summer when I didn't exercise and that's probably why my cardio conditioning isn't 100%. The trips to Georgia set me back. I blame Kristen! I should just take the easy way out and blame her for all my problems in life, all 150,000 of them.

My lawyer called me at 1938 tonight. OMG! He better not be charging me some bootleg overtime rate. I can't believe he was still in his office that late. His wife must not be putting out or he has some other reason for hiding out being there so late. Maybe he was pokerizing his secretary? I'm supposed to be closing on Jay's house tomorrow at 1230 but it's not certain that everyone will be able to do that. I'm ready but I'm not sure if Jay and his family are. I'll find out tomorrow morning whether we can do it or not. I'd like to get it done so I can start working on the place.

The Thompson Twins have a bunch of damn good 80s songs. One of these days I'll get sick of listening to 80s music. Right? Probably not.

My Three Stooges DVDs came today. Nice! I haven't watched any of them yet, though. I plan to wait until Friday or more likely Saturday and then spend some quality time watching them as I drink cheap liquor and Natty Lite. I might hang out with the broad whom I met 1.5 weeks ago this weekend so I'll plan my Stooge-watching around her schedule. I'll call her tomorrow and see what she's up to and if she blows me off then no problem because my plan B is just as good: watch more Three Stooges! Maybe she'll want to watch the Stooges, too. If so then there's a 95% chance she's a keeper.

I was planning to go hunting on Thursday and Friday this week but that plan seems unlikely to happen because some coastal storm is scheduled to bring rain and warm air. I ain't deer hunting when it's 72 degrees and raining gods damn it. Bad weather coming, who's to blame? I blame Kristen! Kristen would never watch the Stooges with me but she made me watch MTVs Jersey Shore with her once. What a bunch of crap! Reason #348,765 why she got DUMPED. I have a good plan B for if it rains and I can't go hunting: watch more Stooges! There are four DVDs with about 12 hours worth of Stooge shorts here so these should last me for a while. I gotta ration how much I watch because I don't want to use them all up too fast. I've seen many of the episodes already in the past but that's okay because I can watch them over and over again.

Alright homos, I'm all done writing about my useless life to a miniscule audience. I suppose I'll watch some of the Red Sox game, read some of my tax book, and bivouac. Drop and Give me 25!

Monday, 9-27-10: Guy had a busy weekend.
I was gone this past weekend, hanging out in Rockland and Warren. I went to Jason's on Friday night and I watched some piece of shit movie with him and Holly in his movie room before it was time to bivouac. The movie, Date Night, was a total piece of crap. I wouldn't recommend anyone watch it because it sucked. There were a couple funny parts but a couple cheap jokes do not make a movie good. I blame Holly for that travesty. We should have watched RAMBO instead!

I had a busy day Saturday. First, we shingled Jason's garage roof. That took about 6 hours and I didn't mind doing it because the weather was nice and I got some sun. If Jason and I had to shingle the thing ourselves it would have taken the ENTIRE weekend but Jason knows a roofing guy so we flew through that job. After we did the roof I went fishing with Pop on South Pond and I didn't catch a fucking thing because I'm not that great of a fisherman. What a bunch of crap! Oh well, I don't even care... if I care. I had a nice bass on but it escaped before I could get it into the boat because I didn't use proper reeling techniques. Happens every year! I go fishing an average of once annually so I don't do it enough to actually get good at it. All my swivels and hooks were rusty so I had to buy new ones. What a bunch of crap!

After fishing it was back to Jason's so we could go get dinner and have a couple drinks. I had no intention of staying out half the night and partying but thanks to Jason and Jimmy that's what happened. We went to this place and Jason introduced me to this girl he knows and was trying to hook her and I up but I blew her off and she went away. However, I drank some more and I kept seeing her and finally she dragged me out onto the dance floor and then I decided that I wanted to hang out with her after all. By late night her and I were doing this outside the Time Out:

Jason, that fuckin' DINK. He's quite the salesman. He wanted me to pokerize her and he said he'd buy us a hotel room. AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Good brother right there. I didn't want to get a hotel room so Jason switched plans and he had her coming back to his place. Nice! Unfortunately, he tried to convince her to sleep with me in his half-finished garage and I'm amazed he even got her to go into it considering the only way to the loft was a ladder on the dark rear side. She had to go pee and he told her to do it in the bushes because he didn't want to wake up Holly. HAHAHAHAHA. I had no problem watering the shrubs but I guess she didn't like that idea so he finally let her use the head in his house. After that he got her back into the garage loft and that prick, he had his cellphone camera ready to go:

AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I couldn't help myself. I really had no desire to pick up chicks; it's not my fault gods damnit. It's Jason's fault! Shortly after Jason took that picture I think Garage Hater-ette there realized she was in a creepy half-finished garage with flashlights and some guy she met three hours prior and she decided she didn't want to be there. She had Jason call a taxi and I wasn't disappointed at all. I was ready to go to bed because it was nearing 0300. She wasn't too bad looking and I wouldn't have said NO if she decided to stay the night but I was still all set. I didn't feel even slightly let down when she left. Jason and I were laughing and he texted the photos to all his friends.

Yesterday we had to get up early so we could go to the prison farm with Pop and get set up for hunting. Opening day for archery is this coming Thursday. Three days to go! I should be outside, shooting my bow. I'll go do that in a few minutes. After lunch Pop, Jason, and I went outside to shoot our bows. Pop has a 3D deer target out back by the shed and Jason dared me to take a head shot. He said he'd give me five bucks if I could hit the eye so I took him up on the offer. My first shot hit the neck about six inches low and we were all dying of laughter because the cost of failure was steep and I was on the verge of blowing it. Jason doubled the offer and I tried again and that's when I paid the price. My arrow flew too far left and got stuck in the side of the shed. HAHAHAHAHA. I had one more arrow to shoot so Jason doubled the offer again. $20 if I could do it. Naturally, I couldn't resist. I would've tried even if no money was at stake just because it was fun. My third shot was just as terrible as my second and I buried another arrow into the side of the shed. We were all laughing so hard we were almost crying. At about $15 an arrow, shooting two into the shed was unwise. Fortunately, we rescued one arrow. Unfortunately, the other one hit a stud and it'll be there for a while. It's funny seeing that arrow buried into the shed with half the shaft and the neon orange and green fletching exposed still. EPIC FAIL.

I got home yesterday evening and had time to relax and watch some football and baseball before bed. I texted that broad in the photo above and she wrote back. Maybe I'll see her ass again but I really doubt it because I'm going down there to deer hunt; I'd rather sit in the woods for a couple hours than hit on some floozie whom I'll never in a million years date. I'll probably toss her number in the trash because there's some other girl up here I'd rather hit on anyway. I met her about a week and a half ago at the most prestigeous place, ever: Jester's. [epic sarcasm] I called her last Thursday evening and we talked for a while. She seems like she's not a total waste of oxygen so I told her I'd call her Tuesday or Wednesday of this week and we'd make some kind of plan. Maybe I'll see her this coming weekend. Or maybe she'll decide that I'm a scumbag and I won't see her. If she reads this bootleg site I'll probably never see her, that's for sure! The two photos above would probably be damning evidence that would make her question my moral certitude but I have two words in my defense: I'M SINGLE.

I didn't do anything worse with Garage Hater-ette that what's in those pictures. A little drunken smooching, no problem. Hopefully her husband doesn't find out and come try to kill me, though!*

Okay scumbags, all two of you. I gotta go do other things. I should shoot my bow, go for a jog, lift some weights, and read chapter 6 of my tax book. Don't be jealous because I had more fun than you this past weekend. It's okay to live vicariously through me. Drop and give me 25!

*She didn't have a ring on and she said she got divorced.

Wednesday, 9-22-10: Holy crap! It's really worth that much?
In order to buy Jay's house across the street I need to come up with a $25,000 down payment. (The other $50,000 will be owner financed.) A down payment of 1/3 of the cost of the place is unusually high but that's what they want and I don't give a crap because I want the house. Unfortunately, I don't have 25 grand kicking around in the bank so I'm taking out a loan on one of my other properties for both the money for the down payment and for the money to pay off the remaining balance on my new truck. In order for the bank to complete that loan they had to do an appraisal on the house and I finally got the appraisal back today. Finally! It took the bank forever and I'm not happy about that but there are two things I can do about it at this point, nothing and like it.

I bought this house August 26 of last year for $36,000:

(Photo was taken in 2008 before we made it look nice.) I put about $30,000 into it last fall/early winter because the inside was a shitty bunch of crap. I had closing costs and holding costs of a few thousand during that time so overall I put roughly $70,000 into the place before I got it rented in February of this year. I also spent about 600 of my own hours working on it. Before the city appraised the house earlier this year I thought it'd be worth maybe $90k but I was wrong because the city said it's worth $115k. Since the city said $115k I was expecting the bank's appraiser to come up with a comparable number but I was wrong because it's worth even more. A lot more. According to the paperwork here it's worth $136,000. Holy crap!

I believe this appraisal because the entire document is 40+ pages long and it includes comparable houses that recently sold in the area. The appraisal looks well-done and, even though I might not really be able to sell the house for that much, it's nice to know that it's worth a shitload more than I put into it. Like, approximately $66,000 more.

OMG THAT'S A 94.29 PERCENT RETURN ON INVESTMENT. I AM A REAL ESTATE GOD. WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME? HOT CHICKS HELP YOURSELF, ALL OTHERS CAN GGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTT OOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Who says there is no God? Of course there is. He runs a bootleg webpage and he brags to two other people about his awesome mental acumen. This is some seriously awesome news. I was pissed at the bank for taking so damn long but now I care not because I'm reotch, beotch. Well I would be reotch if I sold the place. If I sold it for $136k then, after realtor commissions and taxes, I'd still have a net gain of around $45-50k. That's a lot of money for Natty Lite and strippers! The news is even better because that makes me believe that Jay's house is worth well over what I'm paying for it since it's only 4/10 of a mile from the house in the photo above.

Jay's house is smaller but it's on a good piece of land at the end of a dead-end road and it doesn't need $30k worth of work in order to get it rentable. I think I can get it rented fast because it's habitable now. I'll probably put a few thousand into it before I rent it out, though. Better to do it now while I have the time and while it's vacant. I was hoping to close on Jay's house today but his lawyer is not in and we can't do it without the lawyers there to get their cut. Fuckin' lawyers! Oh well, real estate lawyers are a definite step above the Joe Bornstein crap that appears on my TV from time to time. Goddamn ambulance chasers. What a bunch of crap!

I'm pretty happy that I finally did something right in life. I guess that last sentence isn't really accurate. I've done plenty of other things right such as moving to Georgia for a week and a half. Oh wait, my bad. At least I have a badass new truck as a result of that fiasco. I now possess a Supercab Ford F-150 4x4 that looks like this:

(Generic Google photo, not my actual truck, but mine looks the same.)

The MSRP on that muther was $33975 but I got it for about $26500 because I'm awesome at life. There's a $600 dealership administrative fee plus sales tax and a few other smaller fees were close to $1900 so my total price was $28,990.07. I still have to register it and that will cost me $815 excise tax plus whatever else they want so in the end I'll have about $30k into it. Goddamn that's a lot of money! This truck better last me a long time or else I'll have to sell a house to get another one. (Or get a "real" job.)

You know what's a bunch of crap? Well, 10000000000 things on this planet are a bunch of crap but tonight I'm talking about what happens after you buy a new vehicle. Even though no one but a pure sucker ever pays the MSRP on a vehicle, the state taxes the thing on the FULL MSRP no matter what you pay. That's a bunch of crap! Plus when I register my new truck the excise tax is based on the full MSRP. Those fuckin' DINKS. Good thing I'm taking a tax course so I can learn how to legally fuck the system back get every penny that's rightfully mine.

Alright you scumsucking piles of civilian shit, I'm going to read some and then bivouac and dream about how great I am at life because my last real estate acquisition is worth nearly double what I put into it AND it's generating a positive cash flow right now. I win, you lose. (Now that I just bragged so much the market will crash and I'll be left penniless. What a bunch of crap!)

Tuesday, 9-21-10: What the hell is this crap?
I just turned the TV on about 20 minutes ago and I'm not impressed. First, I had the Red Sox game on. The Sox are losing, 5-1, so I bailed on that. (I probably would have bailed anyway because the season is meaningless at this point.) Some piece of crap WWE show is on the SciFi SyFy channel called NXT. I cannot explain why I am watching any of this money crap, really. It's terrible! I cannot explain why wrestling is on a FUCKIN' SCIENCE CHANNEL either. Right now there are a bunch of women rookies in the wrestling ring playing musical chairs. I swear to the gods who do not exist that I am not making this up. Some nameless broad just won and she's all happy as I root for the giant asteroid to break free from the Kupier Belt and slam this planet back to reality. This show seriously sucks. I don't want to watch it anymore. The only way this turd can be redeemed is if robots from the future invade the arena, abduct everyone, and then drop the hot chicks off in my yard.

I just flipped back to the baseball game in time to see another Baltimore run score in the 9th. It's now 7-1 Orioles. What a bunch of crap! The Orioles are the worst team in the division and the Sox lost to them last night and they will lose again tonight. Wild pitch by Papelbon, now it's 8-1. Good god Paplebon has been bad this year. I think his days as the Red Sox closer are seriously numbered; time to give Bard a promotion. Man, I'm better off watching NXT! I'm better off watching commercials than either of these broadcasts, at least until that horrid Burger King commercial comes on again.

Fucking Burger King. I dunno what the hell their problem is but they can't figure out how to properly advertise their stuff at all. For years they had some pedo-looking dude sketching people out as he randomly appeared in a king costume with burgers on a plate. Now they've moved on and it's for the worse. Their new ads show some flaming faggot playing a flute as he dances down the street and shills breakfast food. When I see that commercial it makes me want to go to BK and torch the place.

Oh joy, channel up is MTV. Dunno what this show is but I can about guarantee that IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MUSIC. The SciFi network thought it would be cool to change their name to SyFy and I think MTV should follow suit and change their name to EFTV. I don't even have to tell you what the EF stands for, do I?* Okay, this show is worse than the WWE show. Channel up once more is VH1. See my comments about EFTV. Same type of show, different channel number. Channel goes up again to Spike TV. Dunno what this crappy-looking show is? Guys are standing around with black Scrappers tee shirts on and New York accents. The shirts should obviously say CRAPPERS because that's where this piece of shit show belongs.

Okay, channel surfing and writing on my bootleg site is too difficult so I quit. I put it back on WWE because, even though this show is terrible, there are some hot chicks on it and at least it's visually appealing. Yeah, I'm shallow and if you don't like it you can gggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttttt ooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttt!

Today was a pretty good day. I sat on the porch and got a bit of sun as I read a book, I walked Maggie, I jogged, I ate hot dogs and Spagetti-Os, I read some of my tax book (and fell asleep as I was reading!), I lifted some weights, and I even played AOE II. First time I've played that game in a while and I enjoyed it. I was going to call that girl whom I met last Friday but I decided that can wait until tomorrow or the next day because playing a computer game > looking for a potential new girlfriend. Maybe I'll just preemtively give up and never call her, ever. Right now I don't even care... if I care.

*EPIC FAIL!

Monday, 9-20-10: Best $34.89 ever spent?
I just spent $34.89 on Amazon.com for the first two of eight total Three Stooges DVDs.

I'm thinking about the best $35 or so that I ever spent and I'm not coming up with anything more epic than five years worth of Three Stooges in two DVD collections. 43 episodes will be all mine in about a week! I guess once or twice at the nudie bar I felt like I got a good deal when I stuffed bills into hot chicks G-strings. Hmmmm.... this one girl in Montreal once was so hot that she got a bunch of my money. However, I still think the Stooges are a better deal because I can watch the Stooges over and over. I can't go back to Montreal to see that 10 on a 10-scale hot stripper again because she probably died by now from a drug overdose or something.. What a bunch of crap!

It's so awesome that every one of the 190 Stooges episodes are available for purchase on DVD now. That wasn't the case until a few years back and I'm loving it. Funny I have no job yet I'm sitting here spending my money on entertainment. Oh well, as long as my tenants keep paying rent then I'll be ok. I should raise rents for the next couple months and call it a "Stooges Fee." Extra ten a month, beotches.

I had a pretty good weekend. Doug and I drank all night Friday night and that was fun. We seriously drank all night, too. We went over to Jester's and there was a girl there who hung out with us. We all went to Denny's at like 0500 and that's when we stopped boozing because those pinkos don't serve booze. (What a bunch of crap!) I was really liquored up and I gots this broad's phone number. I'll probably call her ass but I reserve the right to change my mind. I'm not really looking for a woman right now but she seemed cool and it's probably stupid if I never call so I guess I will. She's about my age and not busted-ass ugly. She also has a good sense of humor, at least from what I can remember. She sells purses, though. How gay is that? Oh wait, my bad. Her card here says handbags. If you sell hangbags then you're cool. If you sell handjobs then you're even more cool. (Unless you're a guy. Then you're just a homo!)

Marc Cohn is Walking in Memphis. If you guess the Pandora radio station that I'm listening to right now then you win a prize. If you said 80s then you win. Unfortunately, the prize is an IP ban from my site so gimme a holla and I'll hook it up. I mean I'll have my technician hook it up. I obviously don't know how to IP ban anyone. I can gut a deer, though. Which skill gets you further in life? Probably the IP ban skill for now but after 12-12-12 when the apocalypse hits then my skill will be more useful. Those lazy-ass Mayans should have finished their calenders gods damn it.

I guess if the world is going to end in a couple years I should enjoy myself while I'm a sentient being. What can I do for enjoyment? Deer hunting and the Three Stooges should last me a couple months. After that I'll still have my Bootleg Crap site and as long as stores sell Natty Lite and Ron Baroca rum then I should be ok. Plus after I watch every Stooges episode (except for the final ones in the late 50s with that flaming homo, Joe Besser) then I can rewatch them all again!

I should go take a shower. I really don't stink yet but preventitave maintenance is always good. I had my tax class this morning and then I shot my bow, walked Maggie to the park, jogged, and ate deer steak as I watched ESPN and the news. Football highlights were football lowlights when the Patriots game was recapped. They lost the the Jets, 28-14. What a bunch of crap! They're 1-1 now and hopefully they fix their shit because Tom Brady is the MAN and he deserves a better performance from his teammates. The Red Sox won yesterday but they're about 6 games out of the playoff race with 13 games left to play before season's end so they're toast. What a bunch of crap!

I'm still thinking about all the things that I've spent my money on in life and I still believe 43 DVD-quality Three Stooges shorts is the best value ever. That's less than a dollar per episode! Wooo wooo wooo wooo.

Friday, 9-17-10: I'm 1-7 this week and slumlords entertain me.
I played racquetball against Gav on Tuesday and I lost, 3 games to 1. I played against Deno this afternoon and I lost, 4 games to 0. That makes me a pathetic 1-7 for the week. What a bunch of crap! Those guys are both great players; they're definitely better than me. However, going 1-7 is epic fail and I'm capable of giving them more competition than that. Good thing I'm not a sore loser!

I'm on the UMaine First Class system, checking out the competition. Here's a good one, a 3 bedroom for $1200. OMG THAT IS A GODS DAMN RIPOFF. I'm getting hundreds less than that for my heated 3BR apartments. That's epic expensive. For that price you'd expect to see gold-rimmed toilets in the head but nope, there's just some bootleg clawfoot tub and a basic thunderjug:

There are photos of the rest of the place but trust me, none of them make the place look spectacular. I bet it takes a while to fill that apartment considering how much they want a month for it. Ripoff alert!

Here's another 3BR for $1200. No photos of the inside; what a bunch of crap!

All I wanna know is why? Why does the owner think that photo entices anyone to go live there? Nice ghetto screen door and other crap staged on the side there. Shouldn't that door go, I dunno, ON THE FUCKING HOUSE?

There are a lot of other ads for apartments on here but most don't show any photos. How can any landlord advertise a place online and not include photos these days? I've always had photos on my listings, even if they're not flattering. There's even a slumlord section in this housing folder on First Class. Some of the complaints are pretty entertaining but there's nothing new on there. Better not be anything about me on here! Oh look, here's a good landlord fail story:

Do not rent from Dan Briggs (Briggs Management or WCMA). He rents what looks like: cute little 2 bedroom, 2 bath condos outside Old Town. But the looks are very deceiving. He is the worst landlord we have every encountered. The property is cheaply built and has a lot of maintenance issues. And the landlord Dan Briggs refuses to fix any of the maintenance issues, refuses to answer his phone or return phone calls. He refused to have the road from the condo's to the main road plowed. There is water and mold in the basement, the hardwood floors have holes and gaps in them that make keeping the rooms impossible to heat. The well water system is never treated and turned all of our laundry yellow. The dishwater, tubs, and toilets were all yellow from the water. And no amount of bleach, comet, or expensive CLR would clean the surfaces. We went through 4 cool mist humidifiers in our children's room in the 8 months that we lived there because the water ruined each one. The landlord is a SLUM lord, he took our rent money every month but refused to fix any of the issues we had. 2 other set of tenants had the same problem with him and have left or are trying to leave.
I want to make sure everyone knows who is looking for rental property here, because this guy made our first 8 months in Maine a living Hell. He is so bad that we had to contact a lawyer to deal with him and his unprofessional business attitude.

AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you, Mr. Briggs. Thank you for being a shitbag and for having your tenants bail and look for something better. That complaint was from 2008 so maybe the guy is out of business? Oh look, more complaints against this fella:

I completely agree, do not rent from Dan or WCMA. He is not to be trusted. The property looks nice at first but if you closely you will see all the things Della mentioned and more. Our unit didn't have closet doors, just curtains. I thought it was odd, but hey at least the doors didn't get in the way. There is very little closet space. The bathrooms have no mirrors, toilet paper holders, towel racks, or closets. Dan advertised these places as "luxury condos" and I thought he was just getting around to putting in the rest of the fixtures.

Oh wow, the last part of this complaint is priceless:

He is a UMaine alum and supposedly some kind of religious leader, but he attitude is not Christian-like to my way of thinking.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GOD SQUATTER EPIC FAIL. I find these complaints to be highly entertaining. Man, I hope I never get complaints like those above. My places ain't the Ritz but they're reasobably priced, they have TP holders, the water is clear, and I actually fix problems when I'm notified about them.

I'm grateful that so many local landlords pretty much suck. I'm not great; there's room for improvement. However, I'm better than a lot of these droolbuckets. Now that Doug is helping me things are looking up. All my properties are fully occupied right now and hopefully things stay that way for a while since I don't have a job. I'm hoping to close on Jay's house midweek next week so that's why I'm checking the market out. Plus it's always good to stay in touch with the market no matter what. Better to be proactive than to be reactive. Not like I don't have time. It's only 1600 and I've already gotten my exercise, read chapter 3 of my tax book, walked Maggie, done some house cleaning, and paid some business bills. I dunno what I'll do for the rest of the day? Maybe I'll go to the bar later with Doug. Or maybe I'll just sit around and watch TV/play video games. Both?

I was gonna shut this thing down for the day and upload it for my two readers but before I do there's one more quote from the slumlord section that needs to be shared because it's hilarious:

He is a shady, greasy person and i'd rather sleep in a dumpster behind KFC than ever rent from Grant again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I'm still sad that Kristen and I had to split up but at least I have this bootleg Crap site and the slumlord folder to cheer me up!

Thursday, 9-16-10: Time to get back on track.
Man, the whole Kristen mess cost me a shitload of time, money, and emotional capital. It's over, that's for sure. There's no salvaging that relationship and now it's time to move on. She told her parents that I used to run porn sites, that Doug still runs porn sites, that I don't believe in God, and who knows what else. Kristen's Mom talked to me on the phone for a while on Friday, the day after I left. Fun times! Nothing like talking to the mother of your ex as you drive on Interstate 78 in PA. Her mom told me they all looked up Doug online and saw his classic appearance on the Bill O'Reilly show and they were not impressed. Then she sorta gave me a lecture about how he's 30 and he should do something with his life. Dunno what that has to do with me but whatever. I told her that I don't have a problem with people who run porn sites and that's when I effectively killed what small chance there might have been at redemption. Oh well, I didn't want to save the relationship anyway. Anyone who is offended by that Bill O'Reilly show clip can kiss my ass. It's funny gods damn it!

I'm too lazy to post a link to the video but a 10-second YouTube search should hook it up for the one of you who might by chance care.

I have a new plan now and we'll see how closely I stick to it. First, I'm gonna get back into a regular exercise routine. I just went for a 3-mile jog and it kicked my ass! Took me 25 minutes. What a bunch of crap! I've been poor at lifting weights and sporadic at running since this summer. When I was in Atlanta I went on a couple jogs that absolutely regulated on my body. I did a 3.5-mile loop up and down all kinds of steep hills and I had no chance in hell of making it the entire way without walking some a lot. It was a great workout; too bad I only did it twice. I'm not in bad shape now but there's definitely room for improvement and I have plenty of time to do it.

Second, I need to close on that house across the street. Jay and his family have been moved out and ready to close for about a month but my fuckstick, pinko bank is taking forever. I'm refinancing one of my houses for the down payment and that's been a long process. It's almost done and I hope to close next week. After that I'm sure Doug and I will spend a couple weeks painting and doing small repairs. I might install a second bathroom but that will depend upon how the budget looks. I'd like to get it rented ASAP after I officially own it.

Tinkering with that house will take me into deer hunting season. I shot my bow for the first time in about 11 months yesterday at Old Town archery and I actually shot good groups. You won't see me in amy tournaments anytime ever but I'm not looking to compete. I just need to be able to kill a deer from 30 yards or less away. Regular archery season opens in 2 weeks and I'm excited for that. Gav went to the archery shop with me yesterday and he bought a bow and all the related gear. Hopefully he goes hunting with us, too.

After bow season it's rifle season and then I'll get serious about maybe going back to FedEx to help them for the busy Chrstmas season. They might not even want my help but I left on good terms and I think I'll have an opportunity to make a few bucks there. If the FedEx thing doesn't work out then I'll just go work for UPS. Naw, just kidding. I don't want to work for Jew-PS because half my frigging paycheck would go to Union fees. Unions are an antiquated bunch of crap! They were probably great in 1924 when 13-year old kids worked alongside their entire family at the factory making 25 cents a day. I hope I never have to work for a Unionized company but I'll never say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't because you can never turn down a good paycheck.

After Christmas I might be able to get a job as a tax preparer. Might. I signed up for a beginner income tax course at Liberty Tax and so far it's interesting. The class meets on Mondays and Thursdays either from 9-12 or from 1800-2100. It cost $130 and it goes until November 23. There's no guarantee of a job after you finish the class but it can't hurt and hopefully at least I'll be able to do my own taxes after I finish. Last year I paid something like $250 to get my taxes done. What a bunch of crap! Hopefully I can learn how to do my own and save a lot of money by not having to pay an "expert."

Meanwhile I'll keep my eyes on the local job listings and see if anything interesting pops up. Who knows, some awesome job might become available and then I'll do that instead. Or maybe no jobs will come up. Either way I guess I don't even care... if I care. I make enough off the rental properties to get by. Thankfully I live cheap so I'm not desperate for a job!

Monday, 9-13-10: Catastrophe.
Georgia was a disaster so I'm back. I left my girlfriend because I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because we're not compatable. Unfortunately, she doesn't feel the same way. I probably shouldn't ever set foot near her or her family again because, after I left, her Pop told me he was going to shoot me. What a bunch of crap!

Before I even moved down to Georgia with Kristen there were red flags in our relationship. She's a good woman but she had a habit of getting upset over the smallest things. Plus she had a hard time trusting me. I figured that some of the problems we'd been having were a result of us being in a long-distance relationship but once she got here the problems continued. She was acting like a beotch for the first day that she was here; she complained that Maggie smelled bad and she was in a foul mood. Finally she snapped out of it and she was in a good mood for the rest of the weekend but then on Monday she fell apart again. She saw this photo on my computer and that caused an argument:

^Doug's WIFE, Cas. A bunch of people were there as well so it wasn't anything sexual at all.

That photo is over five years old but she didn't care. She told me that a 30-something year old guy should not think that's funny and when we live together no photos like that would be on the computer. I told her too bad because it's funny. She was all pissy and she threatened to break up with me but anyone who knows me well knows that a girl should never threaten to break up with me because I'll help her pack and I'll just be single again.

Eventually the disagreement turned to drinking. It was my last night here and I told her weeks in advance that I would drink on my last night. We planned to have a cookout and booze it up some. She was fine with that at first but then she changed her mind and decided that she didn't want me to drink. I told her too bad, I'm drinking whether she liked it or not. That led to another argument and she told me that, if I loved her I wouldn't drink. I told her that, if she loved me, she'd let me drink with my friends ON MY LAST NIGHT LIVING HERE. We were at an impasse and she even went so far as to pack all her crap, check airline and hotel prices online, and demand that I take her to the airport. I grabbed her bag and headed out the door and when she got to the front door she stopped and decided to stay. Even though she was pissed she knew I'd send her packing so she stayed, I drank, and I planned to dump her the next morning and send her to Georgia without me.

On Tuesday morning she woke me up early and she asked me if I was going to Georgia with her. My reply was simple and to the point, "NO." That was bad. Real bad. The waterworks came on and she begged me to change my mind but I still refused. I told her we weren't ready to live together because, despite the fact that we wanted to be together, we were just too different. She wasn't ready to accept that so she worked on me and we talked for hours. Literally hours! Finally she told me to come down to Georgia with her and try it out and if I didn't like it then we could part ways. I already had my plane ticket bought and paid for and I had nothing better to do up here so I agreed to go with her. After that things between us were great and they stayed great for the first few days that I was there. Unfortunately, the good times came to a fast end.

Her 28th birthday was Friday the 3rd and that was a great day until the very end. We went out to dinner with her friends and family and as her and I were driving home the topic of religion came about. We'd talked about religion briefly in the past and I told her I wasn't religious but she didn't ask me to elaborate on that comment so I didn't. She hadn't gone to church since we met so I assumed she didn't give that much of a crap about worshipping God. So she asked me if I believed in God, I said nope, and that was bad. She was dumbfounded. She told me she's never met ANYONE who doesn't believe in God and I was dumbfounded to hear that because I thought something like 10% of the populace doesn't believe in God. (According to Bill Mahr in the movie Religilous it's 16%.) Welcome to the Bible Belt!

On Saturday she was still pissy about the whole religion thing and we talked about it at great length. She told me she didn't think she could be with someone who doesn't believe in God so I told her fair enough. I told her relationships are about compromise so I agreed that, once we had kids, I'd occasionally go to church with the family and I'd never tell the kids that I didn't believe in God. I told her that if the kids asked once they were grown up and on their own then I'd tell them the truth but that would be at least two decades away. She hated that and told me that if I ever said anything about not believing in God then she'd divorce me. What a bunch of crap!

We never really resolved the religion impasse. Eventually we just moved on. It still bothered her, though. On Sunday we went vehicle shopping since I sold the Danger Ranger to Doug and I had no wheels. She brought her Mom and Pop and her Mom negitiated me a good deal on a Ford F-150. We had the deal pretty much done but I left the truck at the dealership because I wanted to get my insurance squared away and I couldn't do that on a Sunday. On Monday we celebrated Labor Day by having a cookout at her parents place. Before we ate they said grace and I was respectful enough to bow my head as her Pop said thanks for the food. I thought nothing of it but then later that day she was pissy again because she knew that when they said grace I didn't believe it. I said no big deal, who cares? She said it's a big deal and I told her she was ridiculous.

Tuesday was a shitty day for both her and I and Wednesday was no better so I made my final decision to bail that day. She was pissed at me because I signed up for truck insurance with my Maine company instead of with her State Farm company there in Georgia. I called her State Farm agent and their price sucked. They wanted something like $850 for 6 months whereas my company up here wanted $850 for the whole year. That was an easy decision! Unfortunately, Kristen blew up when I told her because she said I wasn't 100% moved down there. I told her I was standing right in front of her, all 100% of me, but that wasn't good enough. I told her I had five houses back in Maine and I could be a dual citizen if I wanted and who cares as long as I'm with her? Again, not good enough. Fail!

So on Thursday she went to school and I packed my shit. Packing was easy since I didn't have much down there. The Ford dealership was jerking me around some on the truck because the finance department didn't like my self-employment income. Can't blame them for that, really. On my taxes I look like a pauper because my accountant writes off everything. Thursday was a very interesting day. It was a bad day but in hindsight it was one of a kind. On Thursday morning I still didn't know if I was leaving on a plane or in my new truck. On Thursday afternoon I didn't know either! The finance guy at Mariatta Ford had the day off so that made making a deal harder. Finally at about 1400 I called a taxi, stopped by FedEx to ship back most of my stuff, and then went to the Ford place. I told the sales guys that they had about 1.5 hours to do a deal with me or else I was going to taxi to the airport and catch the 1728 flight back to Bangor. That got them motivated!

Meanwhile, Kristen got home at about 1445, she read my "Dear Jane" note, and she flipped out. I turned my phone the hell off because I knew what was coming. I told the guys at the dealership that I ditched my psycho girlfriend so they knew the situation. Kristen called the place when I was there but the guys covered for me and told her they hadn't seen me. Hahaha! Okay, it's not really funny. It's shitty. However, it is funny so I don't regret laughing a little. I do feel badly, though. So I was finalizing a deal on that F-150 truck as Kristen was mustering her family and driving to the airport to stop me. Sounds like something from a romance movie but I didn't want to be saved so I'm glad she didn't find me at the airport. She literally went to the airport with her Mom and Pop to get me, too. She actually almost bought a ticket so she could go into the gate areas where I might be waiting for a departing flight north. Holy crap!

We finished the truck deal at about 1615 and I was out of there. I got onto 285 east (to 85 north) and I was gone. I left my phone off for a while and once I got into the Carolinas I turned it back on. Within minutes it was ringing and Kristen was on the line. I talked to her for a second and then her Pop got on and gave me the quote of the month. He was PISSED. "You motherfucker. You don't fuck with my family! I'm gonna come up to Maine with a shotgun and shoot your ass." Hahaha! In hindsight it's funny but at the time it made me feel badly. Not scared, just bad. Her Pop's a cool guy and I know he was just sticking up for his daughter. I'd do the same thing if I were him. I love the fact that he told me what weapon he was going to use on me, a shotgun. Awesome! Plus he was extra pissed because they had just left for a long weekend getaway to the beach and they had to turn around and go be with their hysterical daughter. I apologized for ruining their vacation but it's not really my fault that their girl was a bitch to me and she drove me away.

They all wanted to kow why I left and they thought I was a coward pussy for leaving a note and for not doing it to her face. They even called Mom so everyone was all worried and no one knew where I was for a while. Of course her parents were going to take her side of it but once I explained my side they stopped swearing at me. Everyone thought things between Kristen and I was fine and at the first sign of trouble I left but that wasn't the case at all. I stuck with that girl for way too long and I never should have gone down there. I stayed with her because I wanted it to work out. I was hopeful. When things were good between her and I life was great. Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be. Things were shitty between her and I way too much and I knew it was time to end things for good.

The next part of the story gets bizarre. I ended up talking to her Mom for a long time and even her Mom admitted to me that Kristen has problems stemming from her childhood when her biological father left them. She said they all liked me a lot and they wanted us to be together and they were going to send Kristen to a psychologist to fix her shit. Seriously. Then she told me that, if Kristen got out of line, I could just call her and she'd take care of it. Seriously. OMG NO. I could never be in a relationship where I had to call my girlfriend's own mother to get her to behave herself. What a bunch of crap! I told her that, too. I told her no way I could do that. I also told her that everyone was making it out to be a bigger deal than it really was. I told her there are levels of commitment and Kristen and I were at the lower level. There's dating, there's boyfriend-girlfriend, there's engaged then married and finally married with children (Al Bundy!) Since we'd only been together for five months and we weren't married there wasn't enough commitment there for me to go back and be with her while she got "fixed" by some $150/hour "professional." Call me a pussy, whatever. I was out of there!

I wanted to man up and dump Kristen to her face but I was worried that something bad might happen. She never got violent with me but when I tried to dump her up here in Maine the day we were supposed to go to Georgia it was a bad scene. She was a wreck and I knew my doing it down there would make it even worse. Her entire family was down there and so were all of her friends. I had no one on my side down there so if she flipped her shit and hurt herself then it'd be my word against 50 others and I'd be in a world of shit. I didn't want to take that chance so I just did the scumbag thing and left her a note. I broke her heart but she'll get over it. She has a great family and great friends and they'll make sure she's cared for.

I'm still bummed out about the whole mess. I did love Kristen and we had a plan. We were gonna live the American dream, have kids, ect. Unfortunately, she sorta went nuts and I'm not marrying a girl who needs a psychologist before we even get engaged, sorry. Call me an asshole, call me selfish, but I gotta look out for myself and I gotta be happy. At first I was happy with Kristen but then I realized I wasn't happy so I did what I had to do.

In a way the reason her and I didn't work is my fault and that bums me out. I really wasn't good enough for her. She wanted a man who didn't drink, who believed in God, who never had one-night stands with sluts, who didn't have a porn-star brother, and who didn't keep photos from his drunken past on his computer. She never even knew about this bootleg site either! OMG if she ever found this site then she might have cut my balls off. No, her and I are just too different. I'm glad I came back to Maine because I believe it was the right thing to do. That relationship cost me a lot but I'll be okay in the end and so will she.

At least I have a badass new truck!