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"I hate to quit a job, but today I was swearing a lot and chucking shit in trucks. Ahahahaha! It feels like Tetris Jenga fail every day." -Tommy's comment about his shit job at UPS.

Monday, 7-28-14: Raking starts tomorrow.
Blueberry raking starts tomorrow. I need to make at least $1500 this season or else I will punch myself in the face. That last sentence was a lie because punching yourself in the face is just dumb, but the $1500 part is a serious goal that I intend to reach. Unless the crop sucks; if it's a bad crop then nevermind I will make less money and just treat my fiancée to more drive-thru meals next month!

I guess I have a fiancée now. How cool is that?! We got engaged this weekend. It all started when she had her friend buy me a Crayola ring from the vending machine down by Paradis. It's a pretty sweet orange ring, and at first I didn't even know that it was made out of a crayon because it's quite solid. Unfortunately, it only fits onto my pinkie finger.

^Badass Crayola rings = 50 cents from the toy vending machine. Winning! When I was a kid you could get Silly Putty from those machines; I wonder if they still make that stuff these days? Probably not because kids are tards and would try to eat it and die or something...

Friday night sucked down at Jester's because there were some old dudes who literally stank up the joint. One old guy who had on only a vest and no shirt smelled like horrible BO. I was supposed to show up with raspberries and grapes for my fiancée, but I fucked that away and showed up later than I had promised and without her precious... precious food. What a bunch of crap! Plus her computer kept crashing so she was in a bad mood and not too impressed with me that night. She refused to even spend the night at my house later, but then she did anyway because her stuff was there.

One of the crude old guys almost got his teeth knocked out of his pathetic skull at last call. He wouldn't leave the place, he called Kat's friend (Kate) a C-U-*-T, and then I had to hold Kat back from punching the guy. Then Tommy had to stop me from punching the guy! Then they left and I told the smelly guy to put a shirt on. The end. What a bunch of crap!

So Friday night was balls, but Saturday was epic fun. Tommy, Kate, Kat, and I went to some new Mexican restaurant called Las Papalie's (spelling way butchered but I don't even care... if I care.) None of us could pronounce the name of the name of the restaurant so Tommy and I made lame Star Wars references before, during, and after the meal. Tommy does a damn good evil papaptine impression. The waiter loved us! Then somehow we started referencing Total Recall, and Tommy and I were saying "Quaid, start the reactor!" and then we pretended to be ejected onto the surface of the red planet with no air. We made faces like this as we gasped for oxygen and pretended to suffocate:

^Yeah, I actually did that in public, and the best part is my fiancee didn't haul on me afterwards. Winning!

Later that night we went to a couple bars downtown, and I almost got the boot from the Maine Tavern. We sat at a table next to the emergency exit, but that place is so bootleg that they had orange construction cones blocking the door. Since it was karaoke (OMG I just spelled that word right for the first time in my life.) I decided to use the cones as speakers and randomly sing into them. That worked out great until the KJ told "That guy in the corner" to stop screwing around. Then I lost a bet to Kat when Saigon Kick came on. I said it was 1987, she said 1992, and now I owe her an ice cream at Jimmy's because she was right. What a bunch of crap! Oh well, I would have bought her an ice cream anyway. She is my fiancee now so she deserves it!

At some point in the night the ladies stopped off at the store to buy another Crayola ring. Somehow Kat ended up with my orange one and I wore the new yellow one for the rest of the night. Then I got more drunk, asked her to marry me by my fire out back of my house late-night, Tommy ran around and pretended to be the Ultimate Warrior, and I tried to concince Tommy to have sex with Kate. (Tommy said NO WAY.) Later in the night Kat and I tried to use whipped cream as a sexual aide, but I ended up with it all over my face and we couldn't stop laughing. Then I passed out and the Crayola ring ended up on the floor. What a bunch of crap!

In conclusion Saturday night's epic fun totally erased the shitty night that was Friday. I spent a lot of money again, but that's okay because I'm going blueberry raking so I'll just earn it back. I hope! Plus I'm engaged and I didn't even have to buy a ring. She bought both of the rings! How much of a cheap-ass does that make me on the miser scale? Hehehehe.

I'm not sure if I will even have time to update this turd-heap of a pathetic site again until after blueberry raking. Maybe? I'm going to rake Tues-Thurs afternoon (I'll stay at Mom and Pop's tomorrow and Wed. night) and then come up here Thurs PM to mow lawns and to see my awesome fiancee before I finish renting out my old apartment Friday AM and then head back down to rake again for the entire first week of August. Gav and I will camp out starting Friday, and if all goes as planned I'll be back Sunday August 9th. Maybe I'll come up sooner if there is a rainy day or if something else comes up, but I need to focus most my energy on making money while I can.

I'm out of here. Real work starts tomorrow at Cliff's house in his blueberry field. Goonies never say die!

Friday, 7-25-14: Beer = acquired!
Earlier today Gav, Tommy, and I rode up to Old Town to check a few things off the list. I grabbed my canoe from Kelly's place, I stopped by Old Town canoe to return the dog life jacket that I had purchased 4 weeks ago (I thought it was a human life jacket. What a bunch of crap!), and then we had to hit up Tim's for some beer!

^Best store to purchase alcohol, ever!

I walked out of Tim's with a variety of interesting beers. The $25 that I spent got me 26 different beers. Score! That includes tax and the bottle deposits, too. $3.99 six-packs rule. I don't care if they are expired/factory defects/whatever. I have some weird Asian beer, some Sea Dog Blueberry beer, some Twisted Teas (for the ladies!), and a few other interesting and potentially tasty beverages.

I'm sure we will do some drinking and burn stuff in my fire pit again this weekend, and if it's anything like the past many weekends then it will be glorious. This will be my last free weekend until mid-August because blueberry raking starts next Tuesday the 29th. I actually have a lot of stuff to do between now and the start of raking, but none of it will require a copious amount of my time. Thankfully I hauled on that shit UPS job earlier this month because I would really be stressing out to find free time if I had to do that turd job plus everything else that I have going on.

It was a little weird leaving Kelly's place for the last time. She and I became great friends and lovers (she never said "I love you." so maybe not really lovers?) over the course of three years, but then I had to leave because it just wasn't working out. We hung out a bit after I moved out, but that wasn't really a feasable long-term solution for either of our lives. Finally I realized I had to make life changes so I ended two big things in my life on the same day: both the UPS job and my seeing Kelly had to go. She probably isn't too impressed with me for dating someone else already and I do feel a little badly about that because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's the right thing for me to do for myself and it's not like I left her hanging or cheated on her with my new girlfriend or anything. I didn't even really get to know Kat until earlier this month. I moved out of Kelly's place back in April, I even made her May car payment, and her car insurance is all set until November. Back in April she joked "It's kind-of like alimony!" Oh, her and Lexi's cellphones are also still on my plan. I tried to shit-can those a couple times this week so they can strike out on their own, but I've had to wait for-friggin-ever at the local US Cellular store so I get impatient and leave. What a bunch of crap! Then I tried to do it by calling their 1800 number, but I have to do it in person with an agent because there are forms and crap. Gods damn it!

I guess I don't want to be in my bootleg office anymore. I gotta go stash the beers that Tommy and I bought in the fridge at the house! I also need to send $350 to a guy for a Penobscot River rafting trip for 8 people. It's a Craigslist special! Now I need to find 7 other people who want to go with me next month. I talked to the seller on the phone and had him send me a scan of the trip to I know it's not just some bogus scam. I hope! he lives in southern Maine and can't get his friends together so he's just getting rid of it. We did a really fun rafting trip last year as a result of my shopping Craigslist so hopefully this year we can do the same.

So hit me up if you want to go on a fun rafting adventure next month. $44 a person is a steal compared to the normal $100-ish full price. I need to convince Kat to come with me because she'd love it. Especially if she reads my update from August 25th, 2008. That was the trip that Phil, Gav, and I did in a tiny raft without the right gear or a real raft guide. The end result for Gavin was all bad. The "Exterminator" rapid ate us all up within the first minute of the trip. What a bunch of crap! We swam through almost every other big rapid later in the day, too.

^Gav took that photo from shore. Where am I? Oh yeah, I'm underwater and Phil is looking for my ass. I got ejected from that raft many times that day. HAHAHAHAHAHA! The rafts in the background are doing it right with real guides, correct life-jackets, etc.

Thursday, 7-24-14: Hey Mom, stop being a beotch to me!
I talked to my Mom on the phone on Tuesday night, and that was a bunch of crap. I haven't talked to Mom and Pop in a couple weeks or so, and since then I've gotten myself a new girlfriend and I've been having the best summer, ever. I told Mom that I had a new girlfriend, and that's when she went full-on bitch mode. The first thing she said wasn't "Oh good, I'm happy for you." or some similar words of encouragement. Nope, instead she asked "Where did you meet her, in a bar?" She said it like she was pissed off, and then I told her yes I did meet her in a bar but it's because she WORKS there every Friday as the DJ/KJ host. Who gives a shit where I met her anyway? Lots of people meet in bars!

After that it got even worse. She started saying all kinds of monkey-crap and went on a rant about how the world is all screwed up these days and how she doesn't know what happened to her three sons, but we're all failures at romance and pretty much at life. She asked "Is she 20? Is she black? Is she hispanic? Is she on welfare? Let me guess, she's been married and divorced two times and has three different kids by three different fathers." OMG MOM STOP BEING A BEOTCH TO ME THAT IS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

The question about whether she is black or hispanic really confused me. My parents never acted racist when we were growing up so all I wanna know is why? Why does she gotta ask me that? Why does it matter? During her rant she also told me that I've been going downhill ever since Doug came back to visit, and how I enable Doug to fail. Gee, thanks! Not my fault his dumb ass drank all night and was hammered on Memorial Day when they came up to visit and to see my new house. I told her that, too.

I didn't even talk to Mom about my awesome new gf after she said all that trash. I guess she's pissed off because she wanted me to stay with Kelly? My parents liked Kelly a lot, and that's funny how she referenced my dating someone who has been married and divorced since Kelly had been married and divorced. Gotta love hypocracy! I should have told Mom that I'm dating a hooker whom I met down on Harlow Street in Bangor in front of Diamond's (the nudie bar), and I kept her around because she gave me the best $20 hand-job that I've ever had in my life. I should have also told her that the woman's name was Jiggles because she has massive boobs and a gut, she lives off welfare, food stamps, and a steady diet of government cheese in a van down by the river with her seven kids!

^I should email this photo to Mom. "Hi Mom my new girlfriend isn't 20, black, or hispanic! Love, Stevie."

Mom might have had a heart attack if I do that. What a bunch of crap!

So now I can't even introduce my new gf to my parents when they come up to visit next Monday because they're fired from my love-life for a while. Too bad because I think they'd really like Kat. She's not black or hispanic (not that I fucking care what her skin color is as long as she's a good person and not fat and/or busted-ass ugly!), she's not 20 (how am I gonna meet a 20yr old in a bar, Mom? Think that one through you simpleton!), she's not on welfare, and she doesn't have three kids by three different fathers. Hahhaha! Mom, you just got served. Beeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooottttttttttttcccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mom likes to do that on occasion, to totally dump on her three sons and to remind us of the fact that not one of us has gotten it right yet in our love-lives. I suppose I get the worst of it becasue I'm the oldest and I'm supposed to set the bar? Doug got married and divorced. Jason and Holly have been together for 7 years with a house, pets, a kid, and the American Dream yet Jason won't ask Holly to marry him, and I guess I'm just a total loss in her eyes. Maybe because I told her at Grammy's service a couple months ago that I hope I never have kids? She is in full-on Grammy mode these days. She wants more grandkids yet I plan to let her down. Oh well!

HEY MOM DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BECAUSE I'M NOT A TOTAL NINCOMPOOP. I WASN'T GONNA KEEP DATING KELLY BECAUSE HER 10-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER LIKED TO THREATEN TO KICK ME IN THE BALLS AND THEN SHE REALLY DID IT ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. FUCK THAT! I AM HAPPIER NOW IN MY LIFE THAN I EVER HAVE BEEN SO HOW ABOUT YOU SHOW A LITTLE CONSIDERATION. SHITTING ON ME OVER THE PHONE = WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! CALL ME AND BRAG ABOUT HOW GREAT YOU ARE AT LIFE WHEN YOU OWN CLOSE TO A MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF PROPERTY ONE DAY. JUST BECAUSE I'LL NEVER HAVE A 40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY IN MY LIFE LIKE YOU WILL HAVE THIS YEAR DOESN'T MAKE ME A BAD PERSON. GODS DAMN IT!

Normally my Mom is totally awesome and a sweet person who can make friends with anyone. She's a great mother and I do love her very much. I guess she was just having a bad day!

Yesterday was a win for me despite the fact that it was almost 90 degrees and it was hard to cool off. I finally finished installing the floor in my house. Plus I got to spend most of the day with my awesome sweetheart. I've owned the house nearly three months so it's about time I got the floor done! I should take some pictures of the house and post them next time.

Only five days until blueberry raking starts. I better put a wiggle on it and take care of some crap between now and then!

Monday, 7-21-14: Failures that are funny but that still kinda suck.
I failed. I am a jiblet-head. The fridge at my bootleg Bangor duplex isn't working properly. The tenant called me on Friday, and I was able to take a look at it that afternoon around 1630 (They had called at 1030 that morning, but I was "busy" all afternoon.) Since I don't have the first clue how to fix fridges I decided to call for a repair. However, no repair people answer their phones when it's about quitting time on a Friday so I was pwned. What a bunch of crap! No problem, though. The fridge does still work, but it runs a lot and they have to keep it at the coldest setting just to get by. Thankfully it's not totally dead. Plus they said it's been messed up for about a month yet they just now got around to telling me about it. Epic fail!

Gav, Tommy, Deno, and I had some drinks on Friday night down at Jester's, and at some point in the night Gav was telling me about a fridge that he has in his "money pit" bootleg apartment building. I've seen that fridge, and it's in great shape! However, he plans to renovate the entire apartment and go with all new so he wanted to get rid of the fridge. He told me I could have it for free, but screw that I ain't a moocher so I gave him cash. The fridge is only 3.5 years old and it still looks pretty new. Tommy and I loaded up the fridge not long ago, and off we headed to my Bangor property with a solution in the back of the truck. Screw fixing that older fridge when I could just give them a newer one!

^The fridge doesn't look too bad in that photo, but it is 8 years old (not ancient for a fridge) and some assbag former tenant beat up on the front of it many years ago so it doesn't look too great anymore. Out with the old, in with the new!

So I was all proud of myself for having a great solution. Good thing I couldn't get in touch with a repair dude because now I could just get a newer, nicer fridge for the tenants. I bribed Tommy with beer and a meal (the meal was Kat's idea, and she even offered to cook. That woman is awesome!) for his help, and we immediately failed just trying to get the newer fridge out of Gavin's place. It didn't fit through the door. What a bunch of crap! Fortunately, there are no problems only solutions at Bootleg Properties so I just took the fridge doors off. We loaded 'er up, and off we went over to Bangor.

I was a little nervous that the newer fridge might not fit, but I just eyeballed it and considered it good enough. I did call the chick who lives over there earlier today and asked her if she had a tape measure, but she didn't have one. She said "Um, I have a ruler." OMG GO BUY A TAPE MEASURE SO YOU CAN DO MY JOB FOR ME AND STILL PAY FULL RENT! So I decided to just wing it, and that's when I really should have known better. I was too lazy to drive the 4-miles over there round-trip to take the measurements myself! I should have done that last Friday when I was there, but I was too busy screwing off with my hot girlfriend so I didn't really do my bootleg apartment job properly. What a bunch of crap!

Tommy and I rolled in, I was at least smart enough to bring in my tape measure first, and then I immediately realized I was pwned. The newer fridge is 29.5 inches wide, and the one there now is 28" wide. I'd love to give them a bigger fridge, but there was one big problem. There is no fucking room. A pantry is on the left and the cabinets are on the right and there is no way to "steal" an extra 1.5 inches. It is impossible. I failed. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

Now I have two spare fridges in my shed. Gods damn myself! Definitely not one of my finer moments as a slumlord, that's for sure.

Yesterday Kat and I went down to the big city of Brooklin so she could meet a client. She's gonna be the KJ/DJ at a wedding down there in a couple weeks. I should be a KJ/DJ! Who wouldn't love my epic collection of Def Leppard, Poison, Motley Crue, The Goonies soundtrack, etc? Even better I could karioke all the songs at the top of my lungs as I bounced around on the dance floor. They'd probably fire my ass on the spot, but I'd make them pre-pay with a no-refund clause so I'm sure I'd get lots of repeat business! Hehehehehe.

I've never been to Brooklin before in my life. There's not a whole lot to see down in 04616, but it is a ncie drive and there are some cool things to see along the way. We passed a few blueberry fields, and a nice blue haze is already starting to appear on this year's fields. Oh jesus, hell ya! On the way down we actually did stop off at the Penobscot Narrows bridge and went up into the observatory. Neither one of us had done that before, and I'm glad we did because there were some awesome views. we even saw a Goonie pirate ship!

^One-Eyed Willie's treasure escapes from Fort Knox!

After we met with Kat's wedding clients (who want 50s and 60s music because they're old. What a bunch of crap!) we planned to go grab a bite to eat at a nice, quaint, coastal restaurant of some kind. There are no restaurants in Brooklin, but Blue Hill isn't that far away and it was on the way home so I thought for sure we'd be able to grab something there. Blue Hill center is by the bay and kinda touristy and scenic so that's a no-brainer. Right? Wrong.

We parked near the downtown and decided to walk down the strip and find some little eatery-type place. We did walk by a coffee and chocolate shop, but no meals there. DENIED. Then we saw a sign for some barbecue place and I was all excited, but much to our dismay the place had a CLOSED sign up and actually appeared to be out of business and closed forever. Fortunately, next to that was some restaurant place with a little chalkboard sign up listing sandwiches and crap on it. Or maybe it was the special of the day? I can't remember and I don't even care... if I care. It was a food place and that's the most important thing because by then it was midafternoon and breakfast was a long time ago!

We walked into this joint only to see a bunch of empty tables, a wet floor, and a fucking fish market. What a bunch of crap! There was no restaurant and no person at the counter to tell us what to do. We were about to bail, but then Kat spotted some more tables way in the back down a corridor with people at them and we quickly realized the reataurant was way in the back. Nice of them to put up a sign telling newbies how ot get to it. The fuckin' DINKS.

We got to the restaurant/bar, and the busy waitress told us we could sit wherever. We grabbed a table, Kat went to the ladies room and got locked in (seriously. The door was broken!) and no waitress came over to even give us a menu or to ask us what we wanted to drink. I waited while Kat picked the lock to the head so she could free herself, and then she came back to tell me about her adventure (no towels in the ladies room either. What a bunch of crap!) as we patiently waited for someone to serve our hungry asses. Finally, after a couple more minutes of not even getting greeted, we realized the place 100% sucked so we spread out of there.

OMG ALL WE WANTED WAS FOOD! WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

We walked a bit further down the street, I saw a place that looked promising, but then Kat realized it was just a hardware store. GODS DAMN IT. We started walking back to Kat's jeep with the growing realization that we were going to starve in Blue Fucking Hill, Maine when I saw a beacon of hope and my spirits lifted.

^AN EATERY. OH JESUS, HELL YA!

We headed down the little side street, we even spotted an OPEN sign flapping on the building, and then we got closer and it was game over. Kat had to remind me that it was Sunday, and sure enough the deli/restaurant was closed and locked. Turns out the OPEN sign was for some bootleg clothing store around the corner. What a bunch of crap! All I wanna know is why? Why did they have to leave out their sign if no one was there? Those fuckin' DINKS. Those mudda fuckas!

Our last beacon of hope also turned out to be a failure. Just up the street from the jeep was a small hotel with a restaurant and bar in it, they had an OPEN sign along the road, but in smaller print on that same sign was "Open for dinner 530-830." OMG YOU FUDGE-PACKING, PINKO PRICKS WHO LIVE IN BLUE HILL WILL ONE OF YOU OPEN A RESTAURANT SO PEOPLE CAN GET FOOD?! YOUR TOWN CAN KISS MY HAIRY ASS. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

By that point we were getting tempted to just go to the Dunkin' Donuts that we had driven by not long ago. However, I was determined to treat my lovely lady to a real meal at a restaurant so we agreed to starve for another half-hour until we drove back to Bucksport. There we were finally eat at a restaurant. The food wasn't that great and it was about 42 degrees inside the place thanks to full-blast AC, but at least we got our frigging food!

In conclusion, never go to Blue Hill because that town SUCKS. The end.

Friday, 7-18-14: Another great weekend forecast and massive demolition in the neighborhood.
We've had a great stretch of weekend weather so far this summer. I like it! The forecast for this coming weekend is excellent, too. I don't think I'll do anything too adventurous this weekend, but who knows maybe I'll throw something together at the last minute. I still need to finish my frigging house. The fact that it's not done yet = what a bunch of crap! However, I have a good excuse. I've been working long, hard days so I don't have time. That last sentence was a total lie. I've only been working a few hours a day at most, and the rest of the time I've been screwing off and hanging out. The hardest work that I've done so far this month has actually been helping Gavin destroy the back section of his house. Last week our Stooge foundation contractor, Bob, did some major demolition. Check this out:


^Just before Bob drive the bucket of that mini-excavator through the window and started ripping that entire back section down.

An hour or so later this is what it looked like:

^That little mini packs a serious punch! Bob had a shit-eating grin on his face for most of the demolition, at least until he almost rolled the thing over when he was recklessly driving over all the debris towards the end of the destruction. I asked him how many times he's rolled one of those over, and his answer didn't inspire much confidence. Twice! At least he has no fear... (or any fully functional brain cells.)

Finally, we were left with a giant pile of shit:

^Bye bye back section of the house. Funny I was gonna buy that place earlier this year and now it's Gavin's money pit. What a bunch of crap for him!

When I took that picture we had actually already tossed literally tons of trash and debris into his 40-yard dumpster. I went back last Friday to help him remove the rest of that crap, and it took a few hours of dirty, sweaty work. Blown-in insulation from the former ceiling was everywhere! We breathed that crap in a lot, it made me sneeze some, and then it made Gav piss blood a couple days later. What a bunch of crap! Thankfully I don't think I had any ill health effects from that mission. I hope! (Asbestos, lung cancer, no prob!)

The debris from the back section of his house took up three 40-yard dumpsters, all pretty much full, and weighed in at an astounding 11.2 TONS. OMG! He had to pay $1300 just for the trash removal. What a giant, literal bunch of crap! Plus back in May we took a bunch of sheetrock and other misc. crap to the city landfill so I guess his real tally is closer to 12 tons. Wow!

Bob, our foundation "contractor" is such a jiblet-head! Gavin and I have hired him for about $27,000 worth of work in the past year+. I've had him do $12,000 and Gavin is around $15,000. OMG! Plus the guy has had other work so all I wanna know is why? Why is he always broke? His van died/got repoed/whatever so lately he's been conducting his "empire" out of a rented UHaul truck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He was driving around some old, half-rusted out Subaru wagon but then the brakes on that car died while he was driving around in Bangor. He was telling us how "He almost fucking died!" HAHAHHAA! He also gouged the hell out of the side of that car when he was texting and driving and drove into a guard rail. HAHAHAHAHA! Epic fail!

^When you run your bootleg foundation business out of a UHaul truck you have failed at life. He had gravel in there, too. What a hilarious bunch of crap!

Oh, I need to throw this on Craigslist and hope for some slaptard to come buy it. I think I'll list it for $100 and see what happens:

That's the old oil tank from my duplex around the corner. Bob just did a $4000, 27-foot front east side foundation job over there for me, and he hauled out the old tank for me since the wall was open. That frigging property has cost me $10k in foundation work over the past year. What a bunch of crap! Bob did this latest job fast so I give him credit for stepping it up. There's still a giant rubble pile left in the front yard, but supposedly he's getting rid of that soon. Hopefully.

Since I have natural gas the oil tank is useless to me, but it's probably useless to a lot of other people as well, at least locally. Maybe someone will want it for a camp or something. I should have listed it last week or even the week prior, but I've been too busy*

I just took a $300 deposit from a former tenant of mine. Sweet! He wants to rent from me again, and he was a great tenant in the past so hopefully he didn't turn into a jiblet-head over the past couple years. There's another UHaul parked in the neighborhood right now, but it's not Bob's truck this time. Tommy's roommates are getting ready to become dust in the wind and Tommy is gonna come live with me at my house. He already moved a few things in, and by this time next week he should be 100% moved in. Awesome! Even better is the fact that I rented my old apartment/Tommy's current apartment out without even needing to advertise it. Oh Jesus, hell ya!

I actually do have another 3BR that might be available next month over in Bangor. I should list that on my bootleg apartment webpage, but first I have to go get my swell on with Kat. I've already worked about an hour today, maybe two, so now I need to take a 4-hour lunch break before I work another hour or two. Seriously. Summer of 2014 = winning!

*Hanging out with my hot girlfriend > work. Hehehehe.

Tuesday, 7-15-14: All-Star break.
Tonight is the MLB all-star game, and I don't even care... if I care. Maybe I'll watch a movie with my hot girlfriend instead. I told her I'd cook her supper so she's pwned later when she sees what boxed monstrosity I create. She better love Hamburger Helper with deer meat. Hehehehe. Actually, since I do care about her and she's not just some standard-issue simpette, I will treat her to a deluxe meal. (I have Tuna Helper!)

The Red Sox needed a break from their abysmal 2014 baseball season. I wish they could just resign for the remaining 2.5 months because it's all bad in their world. Here are there AL standings at the break:

^Boston = last place with a 2.8% chance of making the playoffs. What a bunch of crap! How did Baltimore become good? At least the Yankees aren't in first place, those fuckin' DINKS.

Last night Kat cooked me supper. She knows how to epic cook food so that's an added bonus in my world. The stuff she cooks is good, too. Actually, it's GREAT. However, I'd still like her just as much if she only cooked Hamburger Helper and boxes mac 'n cheese because that's my level of kitchen acumen. Oh, she also knows how to use a grill. OMG I WILL BE IN LOVE ASAP. I don't think I've ever in my life dated or even hung out with a woman who knows how to operate a grill. It's definitely not rocket science, but most jiblet-heads can't figure it out.

Kat, her daughter, her daughter's boyfriend, and I went camping and hiking last weekend. What a fun trip that was! We went down to Sullivan, about 12 miles past Ellsworth, and we stayed at a nice camground right on the ocean not far from Frenchman's Bay. We had a beautiful view of Acadia National Park and the bay from our campsite.

^Cadillac Mountain in the background. My ass needs to smile more in photos. What a bunch of crap!

On Saturday night we had a nice fire, and when it comes to getting a fire rocking only Gavin rivals Kat's ability to lay on the fuel:

^Oh Jesus, Hell ya! Even more impressive was the fact that on Sunday morning my lazy ass was still bivouaced when Kat got up at 0500, started a fire, and had breakfast all ready to go. OMG!

After breakfast on Sunday we packed up camp and headed to Donnell Pond and Schoodic Mountain. The 3-ish mile hike up to Schoodic peak just about did in Kat's daughter, but the effort was worth it for all in the end. I'm too much of a slapnut to remember to take pictures most of the time so thankfully Kat brought her camera and pumped 'em out. The top was gorgeous although just a tad hazy. Thanks to Kat I have a lot of good photos from the summit, but I really like this one the most:

^There were a few ripe wild blueberries up there, too. Most were still green, but it was encouraging to see for the upcoming raking season.

In conclusion the trip was great. Summers in Maine fly by, and in no time it's cold again so I'm glad so far I'm making the most of the great weather.

My faggot-ass cellphone can kiss my hairy ass. It keeps doing this autospell crap when I text, and I am too stupid to fix it. Now it's reverted to some mystery ebonic oddball junk. I type to and it changes it to todo. WTF, over? HEY ALCATEL ONE-TOUCH-BOOTLEG-PHONE FIX YOUR SHIT OR ELSE I WILL HAUL ON YOU. GODS DAMN IT AND WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE! Lat night I had to Google how to undo the feature, I thought I had it fixed, but I guess I failed at life because it is still bootleg. Pretty soon either the phone goes or else I will just say "fuck it" and call people instead of texting. Texting gets old pretty fast for me anyway. It's fun to send a few here and there, but screw having a whole conversation over text messages.

I guess my 2-hour lunch break is over now. I should go do things. Maybe I'll head back to the house and install some more flooring. Actually, I need to hit up Lowe's to buy some ceiling paint for my kitchen before I do that floor. This morning I finished the living room floor. Finally! The house should have been done last month, but oh well no need to work 12-hours days on it. Right? I gotta make sure I have plenty of time to enjoy summer. Since I quit UPS I've worked only a few hours at most each day and I'm loving it!

(I just tried to text but and it changed to butera. Then I wrote mine and it changed to minera. That cannot be explained. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!)

Monday, 7-14-14: Another winning weekend!
So far this summer has been fucking awesome. I've been crushing it, and totally winning at life. I gots me a sweet little house (that I still haven't finished yet. What a bunch of crap!) and a sweet new girlfriend. I quit my shitty UPS job a couple weeks ago, and ever since then things have been looking up even more. I win! I've made some MAJOR life changes over the past few months, and so far things have fallen into place as a result of those decisions.

I wasn't supposed to get a new girlfriend, but this woman is so awesome that I would have been a drooling, shaved ape if I didn't make it happen. My original plan was just to be single forever and maybe buy a hooker or rub one out to porn or something every once in a while until I eventually checked out from life, but then I met Kathleen (Kat) and I had to call a life audible. Since her and I started hanging out just over two weeks ago we've been like two peas in a pod. It's been great!

I met Kat at a bar. Isn't that where you're supposed to meet your soul-mate? Hehehehe. She actually was working there so that makes it okay, though. Normally over the years when we go to Jester's across the street it's not to pick up chicks because old drunk guys and scallywags end up at that hole-in-the-wall. I love Jester's, but that joint seriously needs to be featured on the TV show Bar Rescue. In addition to the drunken lowlifes and old, busted chicks who frequent Jester's there's also a guy who dresses like a chick and his various other LOL-type friends. I get along with them all, but it's definitely an interesting experience down at Jester's. I should go down there dressed up as a chick one day just for fun. Hehehehe..

Kat hosts the karioke down there every Friday night. I think karioke is for retards (says the guy who can't even spell it right), but it makes the bar money and every once in a while somoene almost does a good job on the stick. Plus I'm usually half-loaded so I just tolerate it until it ends. I saw Kat down there a few months ago when I went in with Tommy, Gav, and probably a few other people. The first thing I thought was "OMG she is one HOT woman." However, I was still living with Kelly (even though it was around the time I was shopping for a house to go live in) and I left it at that. Since then I obviously closed on my house and spread out of Kelly's. In May I went to Jester's a few times on Friday nights, especially when Doug came back to visit, and one time I asked Kat to play Goonies R Good Enough. I also told her I had NFT (No fuckin' talent) so I wouldn't be singing it. I thought she'd just blow my nincompoop ass off, but then not too long after that Cyndi Lauper's best song was playing and I was winning at life. I think I even wrote about that on this very site. Lemme check the archives...

Okay, I guess it wasn't in May when she played the Goonies for my drunk ass. It was Friday, June 13th. (It's a good thing I'm not superstitious!) I wrote this in my update a few days later: "Jester's was awesome Friday night. The place was actually crowded when we first got there, but eventually it thinned down to a more acceptable level of simps. There's a hot chick who hosts karioke, and she played Goonies R Good Enough after I jokingly requested that song. (NO, I didn't sing it on the mic. F that!) She knew the lyrics and said she loves the Goonies. AWESOME."

That was also the night we found out that "Father John" melted his jeans to his ass after he had fallen into my fire pit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a hilarious bunch of crap!

^I don't believe in religion, but maybe I should start going to church to thank the gods who do not really exist for the opportunity to date this beautiful woman.

So on Friday the 13th last month I officially talked to Kat. I guess she might have liked me a little bit because she didn't punch me in the face or call me a jiblet-head when I requested Goonies R Good Enough. So far so good! I saw her down there the next Friday and we talked a little bit, but I wasn't getting all up in her kitchen like half the drunken 'tards try to do down there. It's actually funny seeing these pathetic simps try to worm their way in when they obviously have no chance. I assumed I had no chance either because this girl is seriously HOT and I'm kind-of a slapnut. However, I was still wanted to talk to her more so see if she was a jiblet-head or not.

I need to thank Doug for the new term in my lexicon, jiblet-head. I don't even know if I'm spelling it right, but fuck it this is my bootleg site and if you don't like it you can gggggggggggggggeeeeeeeetttttttttttttttt oooooooooouuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttt! I seriously say jiblet-head a few times a day now. What a bunch of crap! Tommy also says it (hilarious!) and Kat says it, too. She had some booze in her late-night last Friday and when she called someone a jiblet-head I almost peed myself from laughing. HAHAHAHA!

Kat and I had a little rapport with each other since I'd been in there a few times when she was working and had a chance to talk to her some. She actually thought I was too young for her at first, but then she carded my ass and saw that I'm actually getting old so I had a chance after all. She's 39 and doesn't wanna date some kiddo. (I told her I'm mostly grown up... hehehehe.) Just over two weeks ago Tommy and I brought the entire leftover crowd from last call at Jester's over to my house for a late-night fire, and Kat came along as well. She and I actually rode up to the 24/7 Blue Canoe store first so I could get a donut, but the real thing that sealed the deal for her was when I told her she should come back because I had Teddy Grahams.

So I told a hot chick that I loved The Goonies and that I had Teddy Grahams back at my house. How many women would that pick-up line actually work on? My guess is 1 in a million, and that's just the way I like it. If I'm gonna get a new girlfriend I wouldn't even want her if she doesn't appreciate The Goonies and Teddy Grahams!

^I don't want to date someone who doesn't love the Truffle-Shuffle! (I also don't want to date someone who has enough fat on her body to successfully reproduce the Truffle Shuffle. That would be a disgusting bunch of crap!)

So Kat came back with the others to hang out at the fire pit a couple weeks ago and her and I talked more and more. Some other jiblet-head woman was there, she was 51, and she kept hitting on me. I tried to dump her off onto Tommy, but then he hilariously Stooged out late-night because he was all set. The old lady ended up passing out on my couch, I put a blanket on her, and Kat thought I was nice so we exchanged phone numbers.

Kat and I texted a little bit on the Sunday just over two weeks ago, and then we decided to hang out. Since the weather was great I thought her and I could go for a nice walk up Chick Hill. We talked and got to know each other more, and we even had supper at Deno's followed by ice cream at Jimmy's. It was fun and we realized that we actually got along great so we planned to see each other again, and ever since that date I've seen her every single day for at least part of the day. Win!

Kat and I have had a lot of "Goonie" adventures over the past couple weeks, and it would take me a long time to write about them all on this bootleg site so I'll save some for my next update. We went camping and hiking this past weekend, she took a lot of pictures, and it was a perfect 10 on the awesome scale of 1-10. I'll have to write more about that next time, but for now I gotta go work on my precious... precious house. I gotta finish that thing this week or else I'm fired.

Goonies never say die!

Friday, 7-11-14: I wonder how much they paid me?
I guess my final UPS paycheck should be in the bank account today via direct deposit. I got done last Wednesday; I wonder how much loot I'll get? I certainly don't deserve a full 5-day paycheck since I spread out of that hole midweek. Too bad I didn't last another day so I could have earned a free holiday pay from the 4th. Oh well, I don't even care... if I care. Working another day at that hole for a free holiday payday the day after just wasn't worth it.

Guy looks at his online bank account now... OMG I GOT A FULL WEEK'S PAY. OH JESUS, HELL YA! I should go to the HR website to look at my pay stub. Going now...


I got 11 free hours of pay from that hole. Fuck yeah! They probably owed my ass a vacation day or two so I guess it evens out. Maybe? It would be hilarious if someone forgot to delete me from the matrix and I kept getting paychecks. HAHAHAHA! It would be like the inverse of Milton from Office Space. They have my bank account info so hopefully no one fixes the glitch and takes money OUT of my accoount to make up for it. That would be a giant bunch of crap!

I have a lot of money in an HSA. I put $538.72 into it this year and even more last year. What can I do with it now? Since I don't have health insurance anymore I guess it's good to have in my "oh shit!" reserve. (I had a high deductible plan through UPS that only cost about $6 a month.) I should research what happens to HSA money when you haul on a shit job. I know if I cash it in and don't use it for medical crap I pay a steep 20% tax penalty. Fuck that!

When I look at that pay stub I think "Holy crap I just shit-canned a job that paid me $11,840 through just over half the year." I did make pretty damn good money over there, but I don't even care... if I care about the money at this point because I am so much happier now that I don't have to report for duty at that hole. I think if I had to hear the eight keys to lowering and lifting many more times or hear my boss talking about their faggot-ass "Kettle-audits" I might have gone postal at the post office's main competitor. What a bunch of crap!

I'm listening to a pretty awesome extended version of Someday by Glass Tiger right now. This song is great! Glass Tiger was an great 80s band. I recently downloaded a lot of extended mixes along with a few 80s gems that I didn't yet possess from this outstanding webpage: http://www.the80sman.com/sample-page/

The guy who made that webpage is probably a really cool dude to hang out with in real life, but man does he need a new photo of himself on his blog. This makes him look like a candy-ass homo:

^Hey 80s man, get a haircut and get a real job. Nice tie, homo... now drop down and gimme 25, maggot!

I probably should rewind and undo that last insulting paragraph in case the dude ever finds this bootleg site (.00000002% chance) and then IP-bans my loser ass from his awesome 80s site. That would suck for me, but I would totally deserve it. After you scroll down past his gay face and little bio about himself you will see all kinds of links on the right side of the page to tons of 80s music. In those links are some epic gems, songs that really add to my already stellar 80s collection. Despite his lame profile photo I give the 80s man a solid two thumbs-up for making such a great site!

The weather is beautiful so I should get off this bootleg thing and take care of some business before I go on a fun little Goonie adventure with my friend, Kat. I also need to call to see if we can get a campsite for tomorrow night down in Camden. We're planning to do some hiking and stuff, too. It should be a fun time! For now it's off to pay bills and then get my arse outside to enjoy some of this fine summer day. Later today I'll also help Gavin throw the rest of the back of his house into a dumpster. He literally cancelled about 20% of his house yesterday. It was an awesome sight to behold, and I will post photos of that ASAP.

Goonies never say die!

Tuesday, 7-08-14: Why is it raining?
I was gonna mow a lawn today, but screw that it's raining. The Weather Channel did not call for rain so I guess there are two things I can do about it: nothing and like it. I'll just mow the thing tomorrow! No problems, only solutions at Bootleg Properties. I should trademark that awesome business name before someone else mooches it. I'm sure I'd get great tenants with a business name called BOOTLEG. Hey, it's a fun word.

I haven't worked that much this week because I've been off having Goonie adventures with my friend, Kat. We went to an old abandoned restrurant and found a freezer full of ice cream along with a bumbling group of bad guys and a loveable monster-man chained to the wall. Then we went underground and looked for a pirate ship full of One-Eyed Willie's booby (booty) trapped treasure. Unfortunately, none of that really happened but it would have been cool if it did!

^Do want real-life treasure. Where should I start looking? (Oak Island, Canada?)

I just showed my old apartment to a prospective tenant. It was a guy who rented from me years ago, and back then he was an A-rated tenant so I'm hoping he actually does want the place so I don't have to even post an ad for it on Craigslist. I've never actually had to advertise my old apartment because Tommy has carried the torch, but he is spreading out of there along with his current roommates. They will all be toast by month's end. Tommy is actually going to come live with me in my "Stabbin' Cabin" downstairs at my house. How cool is that?! His other roommates are moving out of the area, towards southern Maine. He had great roommates over the past year so we definitely got lucky in that regard. When it comes to roommates you just never know when you might end up with a turd in the proverbial punch bowl.

So since I didn't have to go to UPS this morning (GLORIOUS! QUITTING THAT JOB LAST WEEK WAS A MAJOR LIFE WIN EVEN THOUGH I WILL BE A LOT MORE POOR.) Kat and I could hang out and do fun stuff. I put her to work helping remove a fallen tree from my precious... precious yard. I also had her help me throw trash into a dumpster. That's how you treat a lady! Take lessons from me and you will be guaranteed a successful, long-term relationship. After that we had Teddy Grahams, and I taught her the right way to eat them. You can just shovel them into your gom-hole, but if you do it my way then you maximize the flavor sensation.

^BEST SNACK FOOD, EVER.

(I'm going to die single. What a bunch of crap!)

Dream Academy, Edge of Forever, great tune! I just stole borrowed it a week or two ago from a badass website that I need to write about soon. For now I should head out and go do some more work at my house. I need to clear off some shelves downstairs so Tommy can start moving some of his awesome stuff in. Is there going to be a giant replica model Millenium Falcon in my house very soon thanks to Tommy? OH JESUS, HELL YA!

Monday, 7-07-14: Another winning weekend.
This past weekend was great. Again! As an added bonus, I didn't have to revielle my ass out of the rack at 0230 to report for butt-fucking with no lube at UPS at 0300 for the part-time work shift. I QUIT THAT FUCKING HOLE. It feels great to be free of that job because I have a lot of crap to do and now I have ample time to check a lot of tasks off my list without having to work 12-hour days. I win!

I just had a pile of money on my desk that reminded me of Scarface's cocaine pile from the epic 1980s movie. It was mounded right over! However, a lot of the bills had George Washington's face on them to the total dollar amount wan't too impressive. The money will be gone soon because I have to pay Bob, my foundation contractor, and I also have the other usual business and personal bills to pay.

^Money on my desk = oh Jesus, hell ya! Cocaine on my desk = should not'a done dat.

A faggot hurricaine skipped its way up the east coast on Friday, and its remnamts hit us pretty hard on Friday night and into the first half of Saturday. By the time it got into the Gulf of Maine it was just a strong storm that merged with a front, but we still got a few inches of rain and some gusty winds. Look at what mother nature did to my precious.... precious tree in the front of my house Friday night:

What a bunch of crap! That giant limb was halfway across the road, too. Thankfully it didn't land on my house. A NW wind instead of a SE wind would have had me on the phone with my insurance company because part of my roof would have been wasted like Doc-J and 8-Ball from Full Metal Jacket.

The tree fell across the road at some point late Friday night, and by Saturday midafternoon no one from the city had come to move it yet. Isn't that why I pay city taxes? The frigging road was literally half blocked. What a bunch of crap! Maybe I was supposed to call the police or something? I'm amazed that no one else did. However, it was POURING rain for the first half of Saturday still so I don't blame them for not coming then. Finally I got my chainsaw and my awesome friend, Kat, helped me get everything out of the road, off the sidewalk and onto my property. Free firewood for me!

After Kat and I moved the tree from the road I went down to Rockland Saturday evening and had a fun time out of the town with the Redneck Brigade. Manktown came out with us, and he is ALWAYS hilarious. He got totally trashed before we even hit the town, and at the Pilot restaurant/bar the wait-staff cut him off because he was so drunk. I begged the waitress to serve him one more because I said we were neighbors as kids and he had cows in his back field next to us (true.) I said Manktown got kicked in the head by a cow three times while I was pissing on the electric fence so that explains his behavior, not the alcohol. In hindsight not the most believable story, but it worked because she made him drink a water and then let him have another Cap'n and Coke. HAHAHAHAHA! Am I am enabler or what?

After that Mank really got loaded. He used a costruction cone like a speaker as we walked across Main Street. Then, at Trackside, the guys convinced him that the best way to pick up chicks was to dance topless. Hilarity ensued:

^HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The ultimate anti-chick magnet, but one of the funniest drunks you will ever meet.

We stayed out for a while more, Mank was too drunk to even get into some bar called Myrtle, and we headed back to Jason's place. The taxi had to pull over in some business parking lot in Rockland on the way back to Jason's so Mank could puke, and when we got back to the house Manktown passed out face-down over the hopper. HAHAHAHAHA! Jason took advantage of that by drawing pictures of penises on Mank's back, by stuffing his jeans full of shaving cream, and by stuffing a frozen banana down his ass-crack. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Not to self, never get pass-out drunk at Jason's house. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I went to bed so I missed Jason's decorating Manktown, but Jason was sure to take pictures so we could all have a laugh the following morning as we ate breakfast at Denny's. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

We went out on the boat yesterday, and Jason has a totally badass boat. His boat literally turns people's heads. It's some $60,000 beast that he got for a great price a couple or three years back from some guy who was about to get divorced. Here is a pic of both his boat and his lifted-up, badass truck:

Jason and the guys stayed out on the boat for most of the afternoon; I was only out with them for about 1.5 hours before I got dropped off so I could head over to Mom and Pop's to visit with them and have a nice July 4th cookout before it was time to head home. Overall it was a great weekend!

Okay spalnuts, I gotta go get my swell on in the gym. I took all of last week off from weightlifting and I only went for one jog last Monday. No regrets, though. I needed a break because I did great in the gym over the first half of the year. I actually met my weightlifting goal every single week, and I got a good amount of cardio as well.

Friday, 7-04-14: Happy 4th you pathetic, drooling simps! (can you fail and win at life at the same time?)
Independence Day = a great holiday. I give zero crispy craps about parades and fireworks, but I do like the fact that no one has to give gifts and it happens during the best time of year, in the summer. The days are long, there is no heat to pay for, and it's an excuse to drink booze and eat burgers. America, fuck yeah!

^HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEST COUNTRY EVER! (Well not anymore, but in theory we should be the best in the world and hopefully one day we can be the best again once we haul on Failbama and get a real leader in the White House. And pigs will fly...)

I feel pretty good now. I hauled on my UPS job, and I hauled on my ex-girlfriend. I seriously hauled on UPS, but I guess I didn't really haul on my ex. I moved out of Kelly's house and into my own spread 10 or so weeks ago, and I became single. However, Kelly and I have still seen each other on occasion and in June we almost acted like we were dating again (even though we're both single still.) I haven't seen Kelly in a couple weeks, but she's called and texted me a few times. Last Friday evening she texted me around 1930 and wanted me to go to her house to visit her, but by then Tommy was over at the house and we were drinking beer so it was too late. Then Saturday I rafted the Penobscot with Gav and Tommy so I didn't talk to her. I blew off her text and call on Sunday, too. What a bunch of crap!

Our little rafting trip down the Penobscot on Saturday was great. We put in up in Old Town, and we floated our asses down to Brewer. There used to be a couple dams along that stretch of river, one in Bradley and one in Veazie, but the fish-loving hippies convinced the people in charge of my precious... precious tax dollars that the dams should be cancelled so salmon can swim upriver to spawn. Seriously. What a bunch of crap! However, it worked in our favor because without the dams there it makes for a fun trip.

I've never been on that stretch of river before so I didn't know exactly what to expect for rapids. There were a few class III rapids and a couple nasty-looking holes in spots along those rapids, but we did well and were never in any immediate danger of flipping. The weathe was great, too! During that trip an awesomely hilarious moment happened that made us all laugh so hard that we were crying.

We had completed maybe 8 or 9 of the 12-ish total miles when we saw another rapid approaching. We had already done a few other rapids, but this time around I figured I should actually put on my life jacket that I bought before the trip at the Old Town Canoe factory outlet store. (I only owned two life jackets, needed one more.) The life jacket looked weird, and when I put it on Gav made fun of it and said it would drown me. I knew something wasn't quite right with it so I looked at the tag to figure out wtf and that's when the cackling began. Turns out I had purchased this:


^A DOG LIFE JACKET. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

OMG I BOUGHT A LIFE JACKET FOR A DOG, I HOPPED INTO A RIVER THAT I'VE NEVER PADDLED BEFORE, AND I WENT THROUGH SEVERAL DIFFERENT RAPIDS BEFORE I EVEN REALIZED MY FOLLY. WHAT A HILARIOUS BUNCH OF CRAP!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I didn't even know they made life jackets for dogs. WTF, over? The factory outlet had a whole rack full of them, and I never looked at the tag I just grabbed one. My bad there. Now I gotta bring it back and get a human one. Epic fail!

So I was busy in the raft all Saturday PM and coulen't talk to Kelly. I didn't really care anyway, not because I don't think Kelly is totally awesome, but because I MOVED OUT OF HER HOUSE ALREADY. We broke up. Fin. The end. I can't live with her and the kids again so what's the point? We've been hanging out some and it has been fun, but her kids are 10 and 8 so it will be years, liteally years, before we might maybe be able to live together again. Dating for the next several years ain't gonna happen so might as well pull the plug now, right?

I finally talked to Kelly Wednesday, the same day I hauled on UPS, and told her what I just wrote above. I tried to be nice about it and I am sorry because I know she wanted to still date and just not live together, but I don't see it as a workable option in the long-term. I told her she needs a man who can live with her and who is good with her kids. I was good with her son, Dylan, but her daughter (Lexi) and I were like oil and water for the most part. It got old so I had to move out. I actually moved out TWICE in the three years that Kelly and I dated. TWICE. What a bunch of crap!

I am kind-of a pussy. It took me a while to tell Kelly those things; she pretty much had to drag it out of me. My plan was just to avoid her and then brag about how much beer I've drank lately and how much more I plan to drink. Oh, throwing the "I quit my job!" cherry on top was sure to impress. I was hoping I could paint myself out to be a giant tool so she would just not be interested in my loser ass anymore, but it wasn't working. What a bunch of crap! She kept saying she was worried about me and she wanted to see me. A couple times I said "I should get going. Bye!" but then we stayed on the phone and talked more and I told her that I think we should just be done even hanging out, even if we're not technically dating, because there's no point anymore. She told me she's disappointed in me, I said sorry, and I told her to have a nice 4th with the kids.

I fail. Oh well, it happens! As Tommy says, we're in the "bonus levels" of life now anyway.

I'm gonna head over to Gavin's place across the street from my bootleg office in a few and help him start demolition on the back part of his bootleg house. We're gonna fire up the chainsaw and power tools and go for it. Should be fun! He owns the house I once planned to buy, and by once tried to buy I mean a mere few months ago when the purchase and sales contract was still in my name. HAHAHAHA! He's gonna put all kinds of money into the joint this year, but when he's done it will be totally badass.

My life has been one giant adventure lately. I haven't even written about half the shit that I've been up to! I don't know wtf, but this hot chick is texting my ass so I should text her back. After all I am single and I can do whatever the hell I want. Right?

How can a person simultaneously fail and win at life at the same time? I'm not really sure, but that's what my life feels like lately. What a bunch of crap!

Thursday, 7-03-14: ARE YOU QUITTING ON ME?
I don't work at UPS anymore. Fin. The end. Tommy doesn't work at UPS anymore, either! Tommy's last day was Tuesday; my last day was yesterday.

Tommy told me working at UPS was the worst job he's ever had in his life, and I can relate because it's the worst job I've ever had as well. He and I texted back and forth a few times on Tuesday, and we agreed that he was pretty much done. I went in early Wed. morning to start my shift and told my boss and the other supervisors who were in the office that Tommy hated working there and was gonna be done. The boss said "okay" and put Tommy's magnet-name off to the side on the staffing board as I told everyone "Tommy said this is the worst job he's ever had in his life, and I can relate because this is the worst job I've ever had, too." My boss didn't even reply to that, but I'm sure he wasn't impressed.

^WORST JOB, EVER!

I've been thinking long and hard about hauling on the UPS job, and on Tuesday evening I made the final decision that I needed to put in my two-week notice because I just couldn't do it anymore. My attitude about the place was swirling down the drain because it's always a shit-show there, the hours suck, and my leaders and corporate Kool-Aid-drinking pinkos. So I marched into the place on Wednesday knowing I was not long for the job. I didn't give my boss my two-week notice right at the beginning of the day because, when I first get there, he's always very busy with staffing and dispatch. After the usual speech about how we need to get 3000 scans it was time to get going. I had to spend the first half-hour of the sort fixing all kinds of dispatch errors so that put me in a great mood [sarcasm.] I also had to do call tags so I didn't even have any time to scan-check until much later into the sort. As I walked my belt I told everyone there would be a position opening up in management soon, but none of the workers want to do my (former) thankless, shit job. F that! Being a loader > being a supervisor.

About two hours into the sort the workers get a 10-minute break. During break the boss called us part-time supervisors into the office for a little meeting. He said he already promised his boss that we would get 3000 scans so failing to achieve that goal was NOT an option. We didn't have even close to that goal yet so I asked "What happens if we don't meet the goal?" and he replied "Don't bother coming in tomorrow." What a fuckin' DINK! My response to that was "I need to talk to you after the shift." At that point I think it was obvious what I was planning to talk to him about since the other supervisors already knew I was jumping ship (two of the other three will be leaving as soon as they find a better job because they hate it there, too.)

Our little meeting in the office only took a couple minutes, and all the workers were still on break. I went back over to my west belt where most of my workers were sitting and lounging on the conveyor belt. Being on the conveyor belt is a HUGE no-no when we are working, but on break everything gets shut down and, ever since the first day that I started there, the workers congregate on the belt to rest for a minute, to eat a snack, and th chat it up. My boss came over, saw people sitting on the belt, and started giving me a hard time about it. I told him ever since I started working there people sit on the belt, and he knows that. He was asking me if it was secured, etc, and he was kind-of being a dink about it so I snapped, cut him off, and shouted down the belt "Skidwell (not his real last name, I actually shouted his real last name, but Skidwell seems more appropriate for this crap site considering he was a skid-mark boss.) says everyone off the conveyor belt!" He immediately got PISSED OFF at me and said "Come with me into the office right now!" I think the workers were in shock, but by then they all knew I was about toast and I had nothing to lose anyway.

Skidwell and I got into the office, he asked why I had to embarass him in front of everyone like that, and I just cut him off and told him I wanted to give my 2-weeks notice and whether or not I needed to put it in writing or if just telling him was good enough. He knew I was getting ready to quit, that didn't come as a surprise to him at all, and when he asked why I told him "You can't win in this job. Plus I have more responsibilities with my apartments and stuff outside of here so this job just takes up too much of my time." I need to thank Tommy for the "You can't win at this job" comment. Tommy compared loading to Tetris, but there's no way to win because you get "stacked out" and some stuff doesn't fit where it is supposed to fit. In my position you can't win because all that we do as part-time supevisors is never enough. There will always be too many misloads, we'll never get enough scans, the green books are never filled out enough, etc. etc. What a bunch of crap!

So Skidwell told me I could just leave. I told him F that I want to give proper notice and help train my replacement, other new people, and help run the business and leave the right way so I wouldn't burn any bridges. I apologized for being a dick to him in front of everyone, but I really wasn't sorry I just was partially hoping to not get the boot right then and there. I told him I'd do my best and give 100%, and if he thought I was dogging it or portraying a shitty attitude he could throw my ass out of there and I would understand. He said he knows I'm a stand-up guy so okay and then break was over and it was time to get back to work.

I went back out to my belt and some of the workers wanted to know what happened in the office. They thought I was in trouble, but I think they were shocked when I said "I put in my two-week's notice. I'm out of here!" One of the workers asked what I would do for work after and I said "I dunno, maybe be a man-whore!" I didn't think too much about it at the time because work is so busy and I was trying to still fix earlier dispatch errors (Belfast packages assigned to a Bangor truck. What a bunch of crap!) and help ge to 3000 scans, but I think a part of me knew that it was really going to be my last day.

Sure enough, afte the drivers dispatched Skidwell said he needed to see me in the office. I knew right there what was going to happen and he said "It would be best if today was your last day." I asked him if I could work through my 2-week notice and he said "No because it would be best if you left today that way we can post the job opening sooner." That's a bullcrap answer because another supervisor worked a two-week notice last year, but I don't even care... if I care. Just shows how much of a pussy he is for not telling me the truth, that he wanted me out of there because I pissed him off. Just for kicks I asked him if he could hire me to just be a worker, but he said I'd have to ask HR about that so I found the HR chick, I asked her ass if I could ever be a regular worker there instead of a manager, and she said it's impossible. Once you are in management you can never get a demotion and just be a worker. What a bunch of crap!

So I thanked her for the opportunity, I went down to the dispatch office to get my hat and keys, and Skidwell was sitting at his desk on his computer. If he wasn't a spineless corporate pussy he would have said good luck, goodbye, or whatever, but I had to walk over to his faggot ass, be the better man, and extend my hand. I shook his hand and said "Thanks for the opportunity. Sorry I was an asshole to you earlier." and I spread the hell out of UPS. Forever! I am DONE. Bye bye thankless, shit UPS job!

I didn't really want to work there as a preloader anyway because I'd still have to work for Skidwell and I'd have to pay union dues, and the only reason I wanted to work my entire 2-weeks notice as a supervisor was so I could make a few extra bucks. I was NOT disappointed when Skidwell sent me packing because I can make ends meet without that shit job so fuck it. I'm off the UPS boat! I quit that shit-hole. Good riddance!

We did get our 3000 scans. I wish we didn't because Skidwell can kiss my hairy ass and he was too lazy to even throw on a scanner and help out if we had needed it. He was a faggot-pinko boss. Fuck him!

Tommy and I had a few drinks to celebrate our freedom as we watched the Cubs-Sox game last night. Gav stopped by, too. The Cubs crushed the Sox and swept the entire series at Fenway. What a bunch of crap! The Red Sox SUCK this year.

Also last night I talked to Kelly on the phone for a bit. I made some pretty big changes yesterday. I'll have to write about that and about my dog life jacket next time. Now I gotta go give Bob more money for a big foundation repair that he's working on around the corner form here.

Goonies never say die!

(They also say "NEVER WORK AT UPS.")

Edit: Tommy told me they called him and left him a voicemail asking if he could work on Monday cause they really need the help. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!