9-04 10-04 11-04 12-04 1-05 2-05 3-05 4-05 5-05 6-05 7-05 8-05 9-05 10-05 11-05 12-05 1-06 2-06 3-06
4-06 5-06 6-06 7-06 8-06 9-06 10-06 11-06 12-06 1-07 2/07 3-07 4-07 5-07 6-07 7-07 8-07 9-07 10-07 11-07 12-07 1-08 2-08 3-08 4-08 5-08 6-08 7-08 8-08 9-08 10-08 11-08 12-08 1-09 2-09 3-09 4-09 5-09 6-09 7-09 8-09 9-09 10-09 11-09 12-09 1-10 2-10
3-10 4-10 5-10 6-10 7-10 8-10 9-10 10-10 11-10 12-10 1-11 2-11 3-11 4-11 5-11 6-11 7-11 8-11 9-11 10-11 11-11 12-11 1-12 2-12 3-12 4-12 5-12 6-12 7-12 8-12 9-12 10-12 11-12 12-12 1-13 2-13 3-13 4-13 5-13 6-13 7-13 8-13 9-13 10-13 11-13 12-13 1-14

"That's what I'm still trying to ascertain." -Me
"Why do you have to use big words?" -Kelly


Friday, 2-28-14: The Neverending Story... the book version.
Long-time readers of this bootleg site, all two of you, must by now realize how much I love The Neverending Story. I reference it frequently with my I don't even care... if I care comments and of course from my referencing The Nothing. I'd rank The Neverending Story as my second favorite movie of all time, only ranked behind the immortal classic The Goonies.

I've known that The Neverending Story was a movie based from a book for a long time, but I've always put off reading the book. I love to read a good book, but I was afraid I'd read the book and that experience would detract from the awesomeness that is the 1984 movie by the same name. I was also afraid that I'd read the book and then I'd have to give the princess a new name and she'd die of shock when I shouted out her name at the height of a raging torrential downpour as thunder and lightning pulverized the night: "RAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

She'd look at me and say "Do I look like fucking Rambo you gods damn jabroni. You fail so now Fantasia will die as will I. Asshole!"

^"Congratulations, numbnuts. My nams is supposed to be MOON CHILD, not RAMBO. What a bunch of crap!"

Last month I finally decided that I should possess the book version of The Neverending Story. I was gonna buy an awesome bound version of the book, but the going rate of about $200 scared my ass off so I decided I could live with the $7.99 paperback.

WARNING: I WILL POST BOOK SPOILERS BELOW. However, the book is 35 years old so if you have a problem with that then I suggest you gggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttttttt ooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttttttttt!

^Written in Germany in 1979.

The book version of The Neverending Story, the version that the movie is based upon, is much different from the movie. It's about 440 pages long and only the first 180-ish pages are based on what we saw in the original movie (let's pretend the movie sequals never happened because part II was so fucking terrible that it made me never want to watch part III. What a bunch of crap!)

In the book Fantasia is spelled Fantastica. What a bunch of crap! However, I don't hold that against the author because he was European. The book version has many similar elements of the movie such as the names of many characters. It also features the Swamps of Sadness, Falcor, Morla the ancient one, etc...

^HAHAHAHA! Morla didn't sneeze and blow Atreju into the mud in the book. He didn't say "We don't even care... if we care." either. Ah well.

Oh, Rock Biters are Rock Chewers in the book. I never knew this dude was called Pyornkrachzark:

^Sadly there was no scene in the book where he said "They look like good, big, strong hands..."

There are other characters in the book not in the movie, which is understandable considering how hard it is to translate a book into a good movie. Also, in the book Falcor meets Atreju after the Swamps of Sadness when he gets caught up in some evil spiderweb. Alas there are no photos of big-tittied statues in the book either...

^The movie definitely got these right. More boobies please!

There are many other difference between the book and the movie, but I don't want to sit here and write a college-length essay on the subject so I'll move on now. The first 180-ish pages of the book, the ones that the movie are based on, are good. However, business really picks up in the second half of the book. The shit hits the Fantasian fan then! Bastian gets to stay in Fantasia after he names his wench, he starts off as a nice guy who makes Fantasia better, but then he lets the power go to his head and he becomes a fuckin' DINK.

In the second half of the book Bastian becomes great friends with Falcor and Atreju but then he decides that he wants to become the emporer of Fantasia so he heads off to the Ivory Tower with a posse of Fantasians. He's trying to meet the princess at first so his intentions are good, but then he decides it's time for a hostile takeover so he gets there, sets up camp, and then owns the entire joint.

Many of the inhabitants of Fantasia don't want Bastian to be the evil emporer so there's a rebellion that leads to the Ivory Tower getting bombarded to flaming rubble. OMG! Then Bastian stabs Atreju with his sword. OMG! There is much death and destruction, Bastian goes off to find and waste the wounded Atreju, but then he realizes that he's been a bad man so he becomes good again. He basically goes from being a face to a heel to a face again within the span of 100 or so pages. Awesome!

Eventually Bastian, through many trials and tribulations, is barely able to save his own ass and get back to his home world. The second half of the book was a very good read; I had no idea what was gonna happen (besides the obvious that Bastian eventually finds his way home.)

In conclusion, I'm glad I did decide to finally read The Neverending Story because it was a very good book. Now that I've finished the book I actually really want to watch the movie again so hopefully I can dig out my DVD copy and watch it either tonight or over the weekend. I'm not sure I should watch it with the kids, though. 9-year old Lexi (soon to be 10!) might freak the hell out when Atreju's hourse dies in the Swamps of Sadness and that would be a bunch of crap! She'd be bawling all over the place and I don't think Dylan would take that scene too well either. I'm pretty sure The Nothing and Gmork would make 8-year old Dylan piss his pants.

I wonder how old I was when I first watched The Neverending Story? I know I was a kid, but I don't know if I was 6, 10, 14, or what... since the movie came out in 1984 I guess I was at least 9. I have no idea and I doubt very much that I could call up Mom or Pop and ask "Hey, how old was I when we rented The Neverending Story and stuffed it into the VCR for the first time?" Since Mom worked at Oakside Video store we watched quite a few movies when I was younger. Free rental, beotches!

In closing I will say that if you don't think The Neverending Story is fucking awesome then I hate you. I probably hate you anyway, but I'll hate you just a little bit more. If you do like the movie then the book is absolutely worth reading and it won't detract from your appreciation of the movie at all. I'll even loan you my copy of the book if you want to check it out.

Wednesday, 2-26-14: Hump Day.
Ahhhhh... Wednesday. Hump day! I can assure you that I will not be doing any humping today; I never hump on Wednesday because my ass goes to bed early because my ass has to get up at 0345. What a bunch of crap! Today is the middle of the week so at this point in the later PM we're officially over the hump, at least for those of us who work M-F. The majority of the work-week is in the rear-view, beotches! I actually had a little bit of work to do on the rentals today. First, I had to install a new dishwasher. Thankfully that only took an hour or so. However, the tenants haven't used it yet so I better not run my pie-hole just in case I screwed something up.

^Wiring on old dishwasher = what a melted bunch of crap! The delivery jabronis were supposed to drop the new dishwasher in the first-floor apartment and take away the old one. However, the delivered the new one in the mailroom and left the old one. Gods damn it! So now I have the old dishwasher in my shed. However, I think I can get the old one working again so maybe I'll keep it as a spare. If not then my junk-loving neighbor will be glad to haul it off for the $7 worth of scrap value so he can buy a pack of smokes.

I watched the latter part of some movie called Bad Ass during my lunch break before I replaced a bootleg light fixture at another one of my properties. Bad Ass is a funny name for a movie! The flick was quite entertaining despite the fact that it wasn't too realistic. Plus, as an added bonus, it was on some channel that I've never even watched before (IFC?) The channel had ads (FF with the DVR!) but they didn't edit out any of the swears. Awesome! I will have to DVR more movies on that channel. I don't even watch that many movies anymore because the majority of them are a bunch of crap.

^Worth watching just to see Trejo as an ex-military Vietman war veteran going around town and regulating on bad guys.

I'm working on refinancing a couple properties still so I can buy a fixer-upper house. I've been talking back and forth with a couple different banks, but today so far the phone has been quiet. Yesterday afternoon I gave them a pile of my info so I'm sure I'll talk to them soon. Hopefully both of them say yes to some kind of awesome deal and then I can make them fight over me for my business. However, even if one of them offers me a fair deal then I'm in. I'll just have to wait and see how it goes and if nothing works out for me then oh well, at least I tried.

I guess I'll think about spreading out of here soon so I can go jog on the treadmill and shovel in some supper. Jogging on the treadmil ltotally blows, but joggins outside ain't happening anytime soon since COLD continues to be the theme. I did jog outside both Saturday and Sunday when we got up into the low 40s, but now it's frigid again and it's even snowing right now as another cold front sweeps in. Will be -4 tonight. What a bunch of crap!

This winter is costing me a lot of money gods damn it.

Monday, 2-24-14: Happy birthday, bro (and my Hall of Shame banner!)
Doug is 34 today. Happy birthday, bruh! He's out in Arizona where it's probably 70 degrees and sunny. Here it's partly sunny but windy and only 30. What a bunch of crap! Doug's been out in AZ ever since he spread out of our old apartment at the end of July last year. It's the third time that he's lived out there. I think? Maybe 4th? I'm sure he'll wind up back east eventually. At least I hope he does!

I'm just putting the finishing touches on the first page of my WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP HALL OF SHAME. I spent about an hour earlier playing around with Photoshop so I could make a sweet banner. Unfortunately, I suffer from a condition known as NFT (No Fuckin' Talent) so my banner is terrible. Look at this horrible epic-fail header:

^It took my worthless ass an hour to do that. AN HOUR. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! In case you're wondering, I NEVER pokerized that disgusting fatbody to the left (don't even know her), that's a metal folding char wrapped around my skull, and a Cheeze-It box is on my head to the right of that. I was wearing my Goonies (Sloth Hey you Guys!) tee shirt and dancing with that fat chick with a beer (Bud Light?) in hand at Jason's down in Rockland many years ago. I'm wearing a bra with a Natty Lite in the cup at far right, and Slobba the Slut anchors the banner near the center. What a bunch of crap!

I wanted to put other cool things on the banner like Baroca rum, Natty Lite, and maybe a photo of me passed out in a drunken stupor. Unfortunately, the NFT condition made it all too difficult to pull it all off. I suppose I could have taken another hour and done something better, but I already stopped caring. I don't even care... if I care. I kinda want my banner to look like a bootleg piece of trash anyway because it fits well with the theme of this site!

I've been scanning and emailing documents to a bank in Ohio in a last-ditch attempt to get a loan so I can buy more property. I've had this HP print-fax-scanner "all in one" for a few years, but I've never been able to get the scanner to work until today. What a bunch of crap! I really haven't needed the scanner, though. I push the button on the thing and it beeps in a R2D2 type manner that appears to say "DEINED YA FUCKIN' DINK."

After trying and failing to mess around with scanner settings in my computer control panel I Googled "How to scan with an HP 5610" and got a link from the HP support page. Turns out you can just open up Microsoft Paint and do it through that program. How cool is that? At first I was bamboozled because I was reading the instructions for Winders 7.0, which I thought I had on this thing. My bad. I have Windows Vista. No wonder the "scanner and fax" thingie in the Start menu was not there. What an ignorant bunch of crap! What operating system do I have? [asks self] I don't even care... if I care! [answers self]

I suppose I should do other things now. A nap would be nice, but I don't feel tired at the moment. I tried to sleep earlier but that didn't work so I just stayed up and made that badass [sarcasm] banner for the Hall of Shame. I plan to add more to the Hall of Shame at some point this week. 2005 is next on the list!

Saturday, 2-22-14: I would probably be working today...
If my butt-face former boss at Liberty Tax hadn't shit-canned my ass about four weeks ago then right now I'd most likely be at the tax office, getting ready to start my day. I kinda wish I could do taxes this year, but that's not what the hands of fate had in store for me so I'm just gonna enjoy my "bonus" time instead. No work = no problem! I already have two other jobs (UPS and the rental properties) so it's not like I'm heading towards financial ruin by losing that seasonal tax gig. Nevertheless I was planning to work there and getting kicked off the team at the last minute = what a bunch of crap!

She'll probably be out of business within a year or two anyway. She already had to close two out of her three offices. Not lookin' good for her. She'd rather be selling fucking yarn these days so maybe I can buy her ass out and then take over all her clients next year...

^Yarn fucking sucks. Even when yarn-hippies try to be cool and put it on a FUCKING BADASS TANK they still manage to screw it all up and make it look 100% lame. What a bunch of crap!

One day I'd love to own a tank. Tanks are awesome! If you don't think tanks are awesome then I hate you. I probably hate you anyway, but I'll hate you just a little bit more.

I have still been checking the job listings just in case something that looks appealing pops up. I'd do something part-time that paid more than minimum wage just to save up even more money, but I can be choosy in what I pursue and if nothing ever looks good then FUCK IT. I did talk to a guy a couple times via email about being an insurance inspector, but that's not likely to happen as he needs someone to work in the Augusta-midcoast area. Screw driving 60, 80, or even 100 miles just to take a few measurements and photos of someone's crappy house. F that!

There's a listing for a "vacant property maintenance" job on Craigslist that I just emailed about. Not sure if it's a bogus bunch of crap or not, but it doesn't hurt to ask, right?

I'm heading off shortly to play racquetball at 1000. I played last evening and I'm a bit sore from that, but a couple asprin should help numb the tenderness in my right forearm. I hope! I lost last night and I'm sure I'll lose again today, but the exercise will be good.

Hey, a cool 80s song that I do not possess plays on Pandora radio... The Cars Tonight She Comes. The Cars have some decent songs that I should illegally download. I think I only own two of their songs now, Magic and Drive. If you don't think The Cars had some rockin' 80s music then I hate you. I probably hate you anyway, but I'll hate you just a little bit more.

^I should own this album. I think I'll get right on that!

I've been working on a project that I think will add a new dimension to this pathetic excuse of a website. As I was recently reading through some of my older updates I thought it would be cool to have a "Hall of Shame" type page where I post the absolute worst of the worst from this monstrosity. It's still under construction now, but my tentative plan is to have a Hall of Shame page for each year from 2004-2013. I've gotten 2004 mostly put together, and hopefully I'll have it online soon. There are a couple glorious updates from 2004 that really make me look like a scumbag, puke piece of shit. Awesome!

Okay I'm back and it's 1330 now. I watched Gold Rush on the DVR here in the bootleg office as I ate lunch. I lost at racquetball earlier. Again. What a bunch of crap! Now I have nothing on the agenda for the rest of the afternoon. Kelly went down to Winslow to watch Lexi play basketball; thankfully I was able to get out of tagging along for that mission so I can enjoy more precious... precious bonus free time. I guess at some point I'll head back to the house so I can kick back and drink some beer. However, right now I think I'll hop onto the game zone and see if I can play Ages of Empires II. I haven't played in over a year so I'll probably suck... if I even end up playing.


Thursday, 2-20-14: Gimme moar money!
Hey Jew banks, gimme money. GIMME MONEY GODS DAMN YOUZ! Think if I actually walked into Bangor Savings and said that to the teller that I'd get an approval? I'm thinking that would get me escorted out in short order.

I've been trying to get money over the past week so I can make a move on some property. There's a house for sale a mere 9/10 of a mile from this bootleg office that I want to possess. Look at this awesome palace:

^The house has been on the market since last fall, but it was listed for about $147,900 back then. It was $129,900 until a very recent drop down to $124,000. It's only a 12-year old house and you can tell from the photo that the exterior is in pretty damn good shape.
Unfortunately, the interior is a shit-show. It's a bunch of crap! Look at the kitchen:

See all the black smudges on the wall by where the fridge should be? That's BLACK MOLD. OH NO! The entire downstairs of the house has severe mold issues. The ceiling in spots, including above the kitchen as pictured, has been totally cancelled for a reason. My guess is BLACK MOLD. That house is in a world of shit!

Mold sucks. Who doesn't hate mold? I use the term BLACK MOLD not because I'm racist against darker-colored mold (get to the back of the mold bus!) but because it's the worst kind. It's the kind that can get you very sick and/or dead if you hang out with it too much.

So the house looks great from the outside and then you walk into a frigging colony of epic mold. Trust me on that, I saw it in person a week ago. However, BLACK MOLD does not scare me. I can conquet black mold. Right? I'll just get some bleach and primer and call it good! Just kidding. It would definitely take more than bleach to eradicate that mold. I'd have to strip off all the sheetrock and insulation and then call a professional mold remediation company to come spray down the studs and whatnot. Looks like there's even mold on the cupboard doors. WTF?!

I wonder what happened in that house? It's not an old house, it's relatively new still, so all I wanna know is why? Why did mold grow all over the walls and ceilings? Did a pipe burst and water caused humidity that went unnoticed for a while? The house is bank-owned so they don't have the answers that I seek. Who can tell me what happened? I don't see water damage so I just dunno.

Despite the fact that BLACK MOLD house has an interior that's more screwed up than a soup sandwich I do want to own that house. It's still overpriced at $124k, but if I can get my financial shit together then maybe I can get it for less. I love the location of the house because it's right across from the woods where I often go bowhunting in the fall so I could park there and just skip on into the woods. Bonus!

I tried to get a loan for the house last week, but I got this back from the bank:

DENIED. Again. What a bunch of crap! Man, I get denied a lot from banks these days. Kinda reminds me of back in the day when I would try to hit on hot chicks at the bar. DEINED.

I probably would have been approved if the bank could have used my w2 wage income from Liberty Tax and UPS, but alas that counts for nothing. They can't use my UPS income until I work there for two years, and since I don't work at Liberty Tax anymore then that's not an option either. What a bunch of crap! HEY ASSFACES THAT IS BOGUS YOU SUCK AND CAN KISS MY HAIRY ASS. THE END.

So I have to work at UPS until May, 2015 before any of that income counts for jack shit. The IRS sure as hell counts it so I don't know why the bank cannot count it. Gods damn it! I tried another bank and they said the same thing so I guess that's an industry standard of some bootleg kind. The fuckin' DINKS.

Fortunately, I have a plan B. Instead of trying to get a mortgage I will see if I can refinance a couple properties for some cash out. Then I can use that to maybe buy that house. My bank chick is out of town until tomorrow so hopefully when she gets back she takes another look at my info and can work a miracle of some kind. I'm expecting another DENIED to come through, but it doesn't hurt to try, does it?

My credit scores are 722, 722, and 698. The pinkos that "only" gave me a 698 can kiss my hairs ass. I don't miss payments, ever, so eventually when my debt/equity ratio gets better then maybe my score will get above 800. That would be awesome! However, I'd probably still get DENIED from a bank. What a bunch of crap!

According to Belinda Carlisle heaven is a place on Earth. Hmmm... I did not know that. I wonder if she believes in God or if she was just making a catchy tune? Fun fact, Circles in the Sand and I get Weak are also on this album. One day I should illegally download buy it because it's from the golden 80s era of pop and rock and roll.

It's midafternoon and I haven't done much since I went to Hope Depot right before lunch to buy a new dishwasher for the first-floor apartment next to my old apartment. Their old dishwasher was toast thanks to an epic electrical failure that probably almost burned down the entire neighborhood last week. I think it got cooked after that happened because now it won't turn on. What a bunch of crap!

Alright scumbags, all two of youz, I'm out of here. I'm gonna read some of my old Crap archives and then maybe lift a few weights before I head home. Goonies never say die!


Tuesday, 2-18-14: Old Crap from 2005.
I just wasted about an hour of my precious... precious life by reading archived Crap site updates from the last three months of 2005. Fun times! Back then my bootleg apartment business was in its relative infancy, I worked a part-time evening job at FedEx Ground, and I really enjoyed to booze it up on the weekends (and on occasion during the week!)

I posted this photo a bunch of times over those months:

Yes, I am a big Star Wars fan (the three originals, not the bootleg "prequals" that George Lucas puked onto this planet several years ago) but that Jabba the Hutt photo has never been used as a reference to my Star Wars appreciation. NO, instead I posted it in reference to the fat chicks who gross me out.

I posted all kinds of scumbag things back then, and some of them are hilarious! We had all kinds of parties including a good Halloween celebration. I posted a few AIM chats including one with my Mom where she was shitting on me. Who uses AIM anymore? I think AOL's instant messenger has become virtually obsolete and yet I still open it when I turn on this bootleg computer. I used to have 7 or 8 people (I think?) on my AOL buddy list but now I have one person on there, Gavin. He actually doesn't even use AOL, but if I'm not mistaken his Trillian account can recognize my AOL. I seriously haven't talked to anyone besides Gavin on instand messenger in at least a couple years, or so it seems. What a bunch of crap!

I guess Failbook is where it's at these days? Hell if I know because in the fall of 2005 I was busy crapping on people's MySpace (MyCRAP!) pages. Here is a lovely example of one of my bad Photoshop jobs:

^Obvious lie posted on there. "Rambo is good in bed!" (Should read Rambo is mediocre but mostly gets the job done!)

Is MyCRAP out of business these days? Seems to me that everyone herded on over to Failbook and Twitter, but I already stopped caring. I don't even care... if I care. I once had a Rambo Failbook page that I deleted because Failbook = what a bunch of crap!

My bootleg site was a lot more text-heavy in its earlier days. It's harder to read, but I'm sure even today reading this bootleg site isn't exactly fun times for all. A couple of the things that I wrote literally made me laugh out loud including one update where I totally flamed the IPOD NANO that Mom got for me as a birthday gift. I hated that thing! I devoted an entire update to my disdain for the product. Basically, I was too stupid to use it.

This fucking thing is the spawn of satan:

Ok maybe it's not really made by Lucifer or his minions, but it is made by a bunch of tree-hugging hippies at the Macintosh factory. Unfortunately it is also one of the hottest gifts of the holiday season. It's sold out everywhere! Unfortunately my Mom and Dad bought one for my birthday. Unfortunately I would have rather gotten a turd and some ketchup than this thing. I hate this device for 5 reasons...

^"Unfortunately I would have rather gotten a turd and some ketchup than this thing."

My lack of medical acumen was quite astonishing, but not really because I'm still a giant ignoramus when it comes to knowledge of medicine. I had a gum infection in November, 2005 that finally required a trip to the dentist. The dentist prescribed my ass amoxopillan (obviously spelled wrong, but I care not.) and I didn't even know that you had to go to Rite Aid to get the stuff. What a bunch of crap! I thought they just handed it over. I only took a couple of the pills and once I got better I saved the rest for another future use. I guess that's bad? I remember a girl I was kinda-not-really-dating a couple years later saw those pills in my desk and she threw them away. What a bunch of crap! She gave me a hard time about saving them because she possessed some kind of medical knowledge. I think?

On November 28, 2005 I turned 30 and had this to say about it:

Happy birthday to me! I'm 30 and I guess that means. Hmmmm... what does that mean? Hmmm... Well screw it there is no significance because it's just another day and I don't feel older. The only thing that sucks about being 30 now is that just makes it harder to hit on 18yr olds. Guys in their 30s should probably not mack up girls who are that much younger than them, but our society sucks anyway and I won't feel that badly if I do hit on an 18yr old in the future. It's legal! I seriously should find some girl around my age, but all of them have figured out that I am a douchebag and that is a bunch of crap. I guess I will just die single.

^"I seriously should find some girl around my age, but all of them have figured ot that I am a douchebag and that is a bunch of crap." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wonder what Kelly would have to say about that? (She's actually 8 months older than me.)

This snippet from an IM chat, 12-13-05, should be a quote of the month::

VIKKI: you are usually drunk when I'm there.
RAMBO: I know it is because the beer makes girls look better

^HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My updates made it seem like I drank and partied all the time, but I don't think I was that bad. Once a week is okay, right? I still drink these days but definitely not like I used to!

I guess I should head out of there for the day before it starts snowing again. Reading the archives of this bootleg site is a great time-waster. I should do it again tomorrow and start with 2006!


Monday, 2-17-14: An almost-fire.
It's only 0930 here on a Monday morning and I have the rest of the day ahead of me without a whole lot on the "to do" list. I'll take a nap since I had to get up around 0200 for the UPS job, I'll shovel in some lunch in a bit, and I'll throw some cash in the safe when a tenant brings over some loot. No banking today; it's "President's Day." No mail from the USPS either because they take every frigging holiday off. Too bad UPS doesn't do the same. No wonder one company makes billions of dollars each year and the other loses billions. Good thing I work for the profitable one!

So it's only mid-morning and most of my work for the day is done. Sweet! I did have to shovel snow around the property for a bit, but that took maybe 15 minutes at most. The forecast was for 10-15" on Saturday night, but the storm headed a tad too far out to sea so we "only" got about 5". Unfortunately, there's a lot of snow out there leftover from previous storms and a bit more is coming tomorrow. This frigging winter needs to end gods damn it. Look at the damage the snow has caused recently:

^Posted last month. It appears to be totally fallen off now.

^WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! That's the garage door at one of my other local properties. Hopefully it's easy to fix, but since everything is a frozen tundra then I won't know for a while. I'll wait for the snow to melt more before I attempt to conquer that challenge.

Speaking of a bunch of crap, a couple days ago a tenant told me their dishwasher stopped working and it smelled like burning rubber. Hate it when that happens! Since the dishwasher had no power at all I took a look at the wiring and look at what I found inside the box located nearby:

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! The Nothing came and took 90% of one of those wire nuts like it once took the beautiful lake from the Rock Biters in the North.

Okay, I shouldn't laugh at that. It is funny because the entire building (including my precious... precious gym and office) didn't burn down, but it could have been all bad. Somehow the entire wire nut melted away, literally melted off, and all that remained was a charred mess. The inside of the box was midnight black with a thick layer of burned plastic covering its interior. It stank, too.

I've never seen a wire nut totally melt off inside a junction box, and I hope to never see it again. Good thing the box was there; it did its job and kept the underneath of the cupboard from igniting. Looks like a close call, though. All I wanna know is why? Why did that have to happen? How did it happen? That simply cannot be explained. Maybe some moisture got in there? Maybe it popped loose and sparked due to the dishwasher vibrating it over time? Hell if I know.

Thankfully I fixed it and got the dishwasher going again. Unfortunately, the very next day the dishwasher died so now the bootleg thing has no power at all. It's not the junction box or wire nuts thing time either. What a bunch of crap! Maybe it's all done being a dishwasher forever. Maybe it's not worth fixing, and maybe I should just buy a new one? I did call a repair guy so I'll get an opinion before I do decide to scrap it. It's 9 years old, give or take, so it's borderline whether I fix it or not. All depends on what The "Maytag Man" says.

Thankfully the building didn't burn down.

Alright, this bootleg update is all done. Fin. Now I'll kill some more time by reading some of my archives and soon I'll shovel in an early lunch. On Mondays I start work at UPS so early that I want to take an early lunch. 1000-1030 should work just fine today and then I can snooze away for a bit until midday/early PM. Hopefully nothing urgent comes up so I can screw off and snooze.


Friday, 2-14-14: Gods damned Valentine's Day.*
Hey great, it's one of the worst holidays of the year today. Fuckin' Valentine's Day... What a bunch of crap! It's already after 1500 and I don't have anything good to give to Kelly. I did buy some $4 chocolates (in a big pink heart-shaped box) at some bootleg store called Ocean State Job Lots a couple days ago. Think that will suffice? I normally wouldn't go out of my way to shop at a store called Ocean State Job Lots, but I had to run a couple UPS air packages over to that plaza on Union St. so I popped in just because I could. I'm glad I did! A $4 Valentine's Day gift for my chick is a win. Right?* (Ocean State Job Lots is a discount store kinda like Marden's.)

I should get her flowers, but at this point it does not seem likely. Whatever the hell they sell at Paradis across the street is probably what she's gonna get from me. Maybe I can pick up a Target giftcard and some more junk food? Sometimes they also have flowers there. Maybe someone will be hocking flowers off the side of the road, too! However, that seems quite unlikely today because we got a lot of snow and ice last night so the side of the road is cancelled due to winter. What a bunch of crap!*

^OVERRATED! (Would not be overrated if they were $1 instead of $30...)*

I should buy her brown tuna fish and Hamburger Helper. Then, since she'd never eat either one of those foods, I could just eat it for myself! Hehehe.*

Well it's Friday PM and I'm not really excited for the weekend. It will be cold with 8-12" more of snow scheduled for tomorrow night and I have no plans to do anything epic. I guess I'll play racquetball and just hang out. Nothing wrong with that, right? It sure as hell beats getting up at 0345 to go to work at UPS. I actually have to get up on Monday around 0210 so I can be at work by 0300. What a bunch of crap! It definitely sucks getting out of the rack at that early of a time on Monday mornings. I guess I can drink some beer, that will help pass the time.*

I should pretend to be sick so I can blow off Valentine's Day. I do have the sniffles so that counts a little!*

*I'm probably gonna get dumped and I don't even care... if I care.


Wednesday, 2-12-14: Taxes = filed. Time to complain and quote The Neverending Story!
I filed my federal income taxes yesterday. That was fun! [sarcasm] When I first figured up my taxes a few days ago I was going to owe a combined $7760 to both Maine and the IRS. What a bunch of crap! I was definitely NOT okay with that number so I had to go back to the proverbial drawing board in order to find some creative and mostly legal solutions to the problem at hand.

I worked over my Federal taxes pretty good and came up with a new balance due of $3120. However, not pictured is the $1613 that I owe to Maine so my combined total is actually $4733. OMG WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

Kelly is getting back $4703 and I have to pay in $4733. Oh the bitter-sweet irony of it all. Since my jabroni ass got fired (YOU'RE FIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!) from Liberty Tax right before the filing season got underway I had to resort to using the Interweb for my tax needs this year. I could have printed all the forms from irs.gov and mailed everything in for the mere cost of a stamp and printer ink. However, doing it that way takes forever and involves a lot more work with the pencil and paper so I spent $28.99 for the deluxe edition of TaxAct software. That gives me five free federal e-files so I can do mine, Kelly's, and maybe a couple others. The federal filing is free on TaxAct but the state efile costs $10 extra so I'll just mail my state tax return to Augusta.

Owing $4733 to the government on top of the $1821 that they already pre-stole from me via w-2 withholdings is a giant bunch of crap! All I wanna know is why? Why do they gotta work me over so much? Kelly gets a shitload back because she has kids and I pay in a shitload plus I give all kinds of money to support her and the kids. This tax-law welfare is a total, bootleg bunch of crap! People who have kids should have to pay extra for their income taxes gods damn it. Same goes for municipal taxes. I'm paying over $14,500 a year just for those on all my properties. That's almost FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR. WHAT THE FUCK, OVER? How wonderful it is to pay all these local taxes when I don't even have kiddos to send to the public schools. Other people win and I lose. What a bunch of crap!

Oh well, at least I can still afford cheap beer and Teddy Grahams.

^From the bootleg archives. The day I cannot at least afford cheap beer is the day that I go freeze myself to death.

In order to reduce the amount that I owe I had to rework some of my numbers and I also have to contribute $2000 to my IRA before April 15th. Just the $2000 IRA contribution will reduce my tax liability by about $650 so it's really like I'm buying a chunk of IRA worth $2000 but "only" spending $1350 on it. That's an awesome sale price!

I'll probably do that and then the stock market will crash so it will only be worth $300...

The fact that I owe so much could have been avoided if I just made quarterly payments like I'm supposed to have done over the past couple years. I should try to do that this year, especially now that the UPS money throws me into a higher tax bracket. My tax data isn't all bad news this year despite the fact that I owe a lot. I made a lot so I have to cough up a bigger piece of the pie. In fact, I made more money in 2013 than I've ever made in my life in a single year. I came close in 2002 when I made over $40k working at Circuit City, but last year I topped that by a few grand. Of course it "only" took four friggin' jobs to do that. Seriously. I worked a lot in 2013. What a bunch of crap!

For the first time in the history of my bootleg rental property business I built more equity than I paid out in bank interest. Every year that hurts a bit more on the taxes because I can write off the interest on the loans but not the principal. I build more equity so that's awesome, but then I have to pay more taxes so that's not so awesome. In fact, it blows! Oh well there are two things I can do about it: NOTHING AND LIKE IT.

In conclusion, I get bent over on my taxes with no lube because I'm single with no kids and I make more than the poverty level. However, despite all the money that I made in 2013 I have nothing extra to show for it in my bank account now. What a bunch of crap! Where did it all go? I think The Nothing came and took it like it took the beautiful lake in The North from the Rock Biters...

^They look like big, good, strong bank accounts don't they? I always thought that's what they were. The pennies, the dollars, and even the Benjis. I couldn't hold onto them. The Nothing blew them right out of my hands. I failed... They look like good, strong bank accounts, don't they? ...[sniffles and tears]

YouTube video of the real movie scene here.


Tuesday, 2-11-14: I just took a test.
Let's kick this bootleg update off with some classic 80s Depeche Mode, Enjoy the Silence. Great tune that was my favorite song for most if not all of 1989. As I recall Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me preceded that as my favorite for most of 1988. I guess no one can accuse me of having ADD if I could have a favorite song for AN ENTIRE YEAR. OMG! You could say I lived a very sheltered youth. We had three TV channels so there was no MTV to corrupt my precious... precious brain. I might not have had ADD when I was a kid but I had a coin collection so that tells you something wasn't (and still ain't) right in the head. Doug had Transformers and comic books, Jason had a pile of electronic gadgets, and I had a bunch of old dirty money. Hahahahaha!

I should totally hock my coin collection. I don't even use it for anything; it just sits here and collects dust. I wonder how much it's worth these days? I'm probably not really gonna hock my coin collection because I'm not that desperate for the money. It's probably only worth a couple hundred bucks anyway. Back in 1989 when I bought my Wheat pennies at the Money Tree Coin Shoppe in Warren I probably thought I was building some serious equity. However, most of those pennies are still only worth... pennies. What a bunch of crap!

^Mostly worth a mere few cents, especially the ones from the 1950s. However, it says here that a 1909-S VDB is worth between $600-1400 depending in its condition. I'm 99.9% sure I do not possess a 1909-S VDB, though. What a bunch of crap!

I'm gonna dig out that ol' coin collection at some point and peek around at some of its contents. Maybe there will be something good that I can hock in exchange for nudie mags and booze!

Right before I opened this bootleg site I took a test. About 1.5 weeks ago I emailed a resume and cover letter to some company/dude in response to a job listing for an insurance adjustor-thingie. I actually don't remember what the hell I applied for? What a bunch of crap! Guy looks in his email to see what exactly it is... okay, it's a property inspector for insurance purposes. I'd basically drive around and take measurements, photos, etc. Make sure the stairs have handrails, etc. I don't really want to do this in place of my awesome [sarcasm] UPS job, but I thought maybe it was worth at least checking out. I do think it would be fun to do on a part-time basis, especially if the pay was decent. Real estate is my true professional passion so anything I can do making money that's related to property is a win in my book. I hope!

So I gots this email back last evening from some guy, and attached to the email was a test. Since it was getting late and almost my bedtime (It wasn't even 1900 yet. What a bunch of crap!) I decided to just take the test today. Here it is:


It only took me about 30 minutes to blow through that thing. I guess that either means I'm wicked smart and I knew what the hell I was doing or else I'm a dub and I just half-assed it so I could put it in the rear-view. Hopefully I got all the answers right. Actually, I really don't even care... if I care. I'm not looking too hard for a job anyway. I still do check the listings on a regular basis, but usually all I see is jack and shit. I suppose that if I do get an email back that means I passed and if not then I blew it!

I've been at UPS almost 9 months now. I just got a sweet 50-cents per hour raise so now I'm officially on the road to the high life. Plus they back-dated that raise to my 6-month mark so I got an extra wad of loot in last Friday's paycheck. I definitely didn't expect that and I'm not about to complain. If I do the math on that raise, 27.5 hours a week (more than that on occasion, but not since Xmas) then I'm looking at $13.75 more greenbacks for me per week. Awesome! However, that income is added to the top of my other income and now I'm in the 25% federal and 8.5% Maine bracket so bye bye 1/3 of it all to the governments. Gods damn it! Ah well, I'll take $9 after taxes over $0 after taxes any day!*

*I forgot to mention social security and medicare taxes come out, too. Sigh. I guess the best way to make it in this society is to just be a moocher. That's what about 50% of the populace does these days anyway. The fuckin' DINKS.


Monday, 2-10-14: Hangover disappears.
I got really drunk on Saturday night while hanging out with Tommy, Gav, Walt, Tommy's new roommates, and a few others at my old apartment and at Jester's. I haven't been so drunk in a long time, and in hindsight the amount of alcohol that I consumed was unwise. I spent a good part of yesterday nursing a hangover. What a bunch of crap! I don't know if Kelly was too impressed with the fact that I went off to go partying, but I don't even care... if I care.

I really shouldn't 'a drank as much as I did. I got so drunk that I don't even remember some of the crazy stuff that went down. At some point I went on a rant that included the infamous Vince McMahon "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!" Oh, I also ate a piece of gum from one of Tommy's 1989 baseball card packs. I missed out on looking at a lot of his old cards because I was gabbing it up with other people. Maybe next time...

My Goonies tee shirt came in the mail on Saturday, just in time to wear that night. This one is a definite keeper:

^KIDS SUCK! I didn't tell Kelly that I bought it, but she saw it when she did the laundry and she texted me "Nice tee shirt!!!" I wasn't sure if she'd be offended by it or not, but I don't think she was. I just hope if she really doesn't like it that she doesn't throw it away. I don't think she'd ever do such a thing, but if she did do that then I'd throw her away!

I was just thinking how dumb it is to use more than one exclamation point when I looked at that text message. People do it all the time and it's a bunch of crap. Ah I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at me world I'm in a delightfully gay mood today because the sun is shining!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!! GODS DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL STOP DOING THAT. I COMMAND THEE TO USE ONLY ONE EXCLAMATION POINT OR ELSE NONE AT ALL.

True story, when Lizzie (Doug's friend and former roommate) designed this bootleg site about 9 years ago, maybe 9.5 years ago now, she put What a bunch of crap!!! at the thingie that comes up when you click on this bootleg site. I don't really know the name of it, but it's there at the top of the screen. Okay I just looked at my bootleg site online and I don't see it so nevermind. I do think it's there somewhere on the interweb because I see it at the top of this screen now.

I haven't changed the site design in all those years, not even one bit. Doug made my ass a new header and some of the intro verbiage has changed, but not really that much. I don't think Lizzie did a good job of designing this bootleg piece of shit, quite frankly it's very basic and overall terrible, but this entire site is terrible so there's really no sense in polishing the turd. Why put lipstick on the pig, right? Hehehehe.

^When you let an 18-yr old girl who at the time suffered from a severe case of NFT (no fuckin' talent) do design for your bootleg site then this is the end result. What a bunch of crap!

I suppose I should fire up this TAX ACT program and get my taxes done. I roughly calculated that I could owe $7000 to both the IRS and state when I was looking at everything last week, but that was a very rough input of data. I dunno if I'll finish everything up today or not, but it's only 1330 so I should have time enough if I don't screw off too much. Not that I need to rush; they're not even due for another 10 weeks or so. However, I want to get them filed sooner rather than later so I know how much I will owe and so I can use my tax info to go to the bank to get money to buy things!


Saturday, 2-8-14: Bye bye 3-unit that I needed for my Monopoly.
I officially pulled the plug yesterday. I bailed on this 3-unit building located right across the street from my bootleg office:

^Will not be the only thing I pull the plug on this year... stay tuned!

I agreed to buy that property back in September for $153,000, but I knew I might have trouble putting it all together. I agreed to pay a $1000 deposit and $500 a month for up to six months as a down payment in order for the owners to hold it for me. In addition, I also agreed to provide snowplowing and to pay for their natural gas bill as a form of interest for their consideration.

I needed to come up with about $35,000 so I could make the deal happen, and I haven't had $35,000 in my bank account since 2005 so the only way for my ass to get some relatively quick loot, short of illegal activities such as robbery and/or drug dealing, was to hock one of my other properties.

So I tried to sell my Bangor duplex. I spent all fall renovating the hell out of the place in order to make it desirable. Unfortunately for me, no one wanted to buy the place. What a bunch of crap! I listed it for $115,900 and I owed just under $70k on it so, if I sold it for around $110k, then I would have gotten my $35k after realtor commission. One slapnut informally asked (through my realtor) if I'd take in the 90s for the place to which I obviously replied "HELLZ NO!" Plus, after the renovations, the place was looking nice and I wouldn't have even taken $110k for it. It would have needed to be at least $115k for me to say yes to any deal. I figured if I had to write off a couple or three thousand as a result of a failed deal for that 3-unit then I was better off than losing several thousand and/or over $10k by being Santa Claus on the selling price of my Bangor duplex.

Since I couldn't sell the Bangor duplex, and since the price of natural gas has skyrocketed, I bailed on that 3-unit. I told the sellers they could keep the $2500 that I had already paid in escrow so bye bye all that money plus a couple hundred more for a Dec. plow bill and a Nov. heating bill. Sucks to be me, eh?

Fortunately, I talked Gavin into buying the building. It took a few weeks to negotiate the paperwork and all the contract language and legalities, but basically Gavin is taking over my contract. Oh Jesus, hell ya! Yesterday we drove over to the realtor's office and made it official. I signed stuff, he signed stuff, and in the end everyone is satisfied (I hope!) I have to lose $1000 plus some more plowing and shit so in the end I'll still be out between $1300-1500 when the dust settles. Does it suck to basically give away over a grand? HELLZ YEAH IT SUCKS! However, it could have been worse. If not for Gavin then I probably would have been out closer to double that. Thanks, G!

Having Gavin live over on the east side of the Penobscot here will be fuckin-A. We can shoot bows and hang out and stuff! I'll go sit on his deck and drink beer from time to time. He only lives a mile away from here now, but it's still a small hassle going over to his spread. Now it will be a piece of cake.

It's already late AM so I guess I should eat some chow, take a nap, and then do a few other things before I consume what will likely be a copious amount of booze later. We're getting together at my old apartment to do it up tonight! Gav and I have reason to celebrate since he's gonna buy his own house right in this neighborhood. I really do think it's a good deal for him and I'm glad he wants to do it. I truly believe having him take over that contract for me was the right thing to do. I definitely want the place so I can complete my Monopoly over here, but I need to keep reality in perspective. Now is not the right time for my ass to buy another rental property. Oh well!

^I guess I'll have to wait for that 3-unit that I wanna buy until Gav gets sick of it and sells it to me one day in the future. Maybe he will live there until we're both old and crusty? Either way it works for me!

I have a 24-pack of Shock Top Belgian Wheat sitting on the cellar floor down here outside the door of my bootleg office. $12.99 at Tim's Little Big Store in Old Town. That bootleg store rocks! The beer they sell is borderline expired, but it'll still get you where you wanna be. I'll trade some of that to Tommy in exchange for some Ron Baroca rum that he has upstairs. Tonight's gonna kick ass!


Tuesday, 2-4-14: Working on our taxes.
I've spent a fair amount of time so far this week totally screwing off. However, I've also spent a fair amount of time working on both Kelly's and my own income taxes. I've been tallying all the business incomes and expenses and gathering all the other goodies such as w-2s, 1099s, etc. Self-employment makes income tax time quite a complicated process, especially in my case dealing with multiple rental properties, depreciable assets, etc.

^This shit is a lot harder to do when I don't have the benefit of Liberty Tax software that has all my data from prior years saved. What a bunch of crap!

Kelly's gonna get a fat refund because she has the two kids so she's gonna mop up with some of that government-issed tax welfare knows as the EARNED INCOME CREDIT. That's gotta be one of the most ridiculous things ever, the EIC. If you have kids and make under a certain amount of money then you get a shitload of loot handed to you from Uncle Sam. I don't blame Kelly or anyone who gets the EIC; she didn't even know what the EIC was until I met her at Liberty tax almost three years ago. She came in, she thought she was gonna owe a lot, and instead she got back a few thousand. Awesome for her! Not so awesome for the USA. How do we even pay for that crap? It's gotta be billions of dollars so wtf? No wonder the national debt is in the tens of trillions. What a bunch of crap!

I'm on the flip side of the tax coin. There is no EIC for me, DENIED. I have no kids to claim (thank the gods who do not really exist for that. Kids ain't worth even a million dollars apiece in a tax deduction*) and I'm filing as single. I don't have my numbers finalized yet, but right now it's looking like some of my income will kiss the dreaded 25% bracket. I'm roughly figuring that I'll owe the IRS $5500 this year and the state of Maine a bunch more. I'm fucked! I might end up owing $7000 on my taxes this year when I combine both federal and state liabilities. OMG. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

Hopefully I blew it on my math and I don't really owe that much. Nothing is final yet so I'll have a better idea how it looks once I get it 100% together. Gods damn it I have a really bad feeling about this!

It's already 1440 and I haven't hit the gym yet today so I think I'll go get my swell on shortly. I was gonna lift weights after the UPS shift today at about 1015, but we had a late air arrival thanks to a snowstorm that began in the wee hours (5-10" forecast for us today. More south, less north.) so I didn't get out of there until 1100. By the time I got back to the bootleg office I decided it was time for some chow and that 2-hour lunch break. Now I've had plenty of time for the ham and cheese sandwich to digest so I guess I should go get buff before it either gets too late or something else comes up. Getting fired from Liberty Tax gave me extra time for all the fun things in life like exercising, taking long lunch breaks, and updating this bootleg site!

*I guess if there was really a million dollar tax deduction for having a kid then I'd have a couple and just chain them to the wall of the cellar like Sloth from the Goonies!

^Of course I'd feed 'em all BABY RUTH candy bars!

Where's my psychologist?


Monday, 2-3-14: Superbowl results and how to reward bad behavior (KIDS SUCK)
The Denver Broncos got crushed by the Seattle Seahawks in last night's Superbowl game. Awesome! I actually don't care that much, but it's always nice to see a Peyton Manning team fail in the playoffs. I don't want Peyton to win because I want Tom Brady to be the clear-cut elite, the best-of-the-best. Thankfully God Brady has 3 Superbowl rings and Peyton Manning still has a mere one. Unfortunately, that little chump kid brother of his (Eli Manning) has two Superbowl wins over God Brady and the Greatriots. What a bunch of crap!

^God Brady > Pedestrian Manning

I didn't rivet myself to the TV during yesterday's Superbowl, but I mostly paid attention to it. I got a little buzz on during the game so that made it pass by faster. I probably would have been in bed before the game even ended, but I took a nap yesterday PM so I could splurge and stay awake longer. I might have gotten four hours of sleep last night, but I'm hoping to make up for it tonight when I hit the sack around 1830. I tried to take a nap just a bit ago here in this bootleg office, but I couldn't fall asleep so screw it. It's already 1330 so I can hang in there for a few more hours and just crash hard tonight. I don't feel tired right now at all.

It was a passable weekend for me, not great but certainly not horrid. By far the low-light of the weekend was going to some local kiddo-place called Playland Adventures here in Brewer with Kelly and the kids. Fuck that place! A couple years ago, give or take, I went to some place almost as horrible called The Maine Jump and I remember flaming the hell out of it here on the Crap. Thankfully The Maine Jump went out of business. Unfortunately, Playland Gayland Adventures still exists and it's even worse than The Maine Jump was. Gods damn it!

^Screw you, Maine Jump. Thankfully nothing but a fading memory now...

So Gayland Adventures is a copy of the Maine Jump, but it's a shittier, more bootleg ripoff of the concept. They have bounce-houses and lame rides and crap. Admission is $8 for ages 9 and under and $12 for 10 and up. OMG THAT AIN'T CHEAP! Paying $40 admission for four kids (Lexis friend was 10 and Dylan's cousin is 12) was a bunch of crap, but then once you're in there you gotta pay extra for half the shit. Bungee-jump. No prob, $3 extra. Kiddie bull-ride. No prob, $3 extra. Kiddie guns that shoot nerf balls. No prob, $ 3 extra. I swear to the gods who do not really exist that they charged $3 extra for half the junk in that hole. Fuck them!

I had ZERO desire to go to Gayland Adventures with Kelly and four kiddos on Sat PM/evening, especially considering how the kids behaved all day. However, I had already bailed on them Friday night when they went to the school "talent" show. (I should have gone to that just so I could have flamed the hell ouf ot it on this bootleg site. I bet that was TERRBILE.) so I felt obligated to spend some time with Kelly and the kids. My bad. That place SUCKS. They don't sell beer either. Gods damn it!

To add insult to injury, the kids badly misbehaved for most of the day on Saturday before we took them to that shit-hole so they didn't even deserve to go. When I say they misbehaved that's actually putting it mildly. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst they occasionally got to a 12. Dylan started off the day by acting like an asshole, even before I was finished shovelling breakfast into my gom-hole. When I get up the first thing I usually do it take a leak and then go get food so it wasn't long at all before he started in. He had Lexi bawling and he uttered a few F-words among other swears. When he said "God damn it" I actually laughed. Watching an 8-year old take the lord's name in vain = hilarious!

Dylan acted like an asshole for the morning, but I got the hell out of there to go play racquetball with Deno and Gav so I got a reprieve. Then I got home and Lexi started acting up. She wanted me to give her a piggyback ride, I said not right now, so she started hitting me in the head. Fuck that! No 9-year old little brat is gonna beat me up so I got up to duct-tape her to the wall. (JK I didn't have any duct tape but threatening that is fun times.) Lexi called me names (as usual) and threw the wooden barstool down in front of me. The chair-back broke so I grabbed one of the wooden spindles and I whacked her ass with it a couple times. Go me! I didn't hit her that hard, but I guess that's probably illegal now in this candy-ass country so please don't report me.

After I smacked Lexi's behind the went into total shit-show mode. She FREAKED out, she called me a "fucking asshole" and then Kelly came out from her shower. Lexi said I was being "sexually abusive" (Her friend was there as well as Dylan and all they could do was stare in awed silence.) to which I replied "It's not sexually abusive, it's just regular abusive!" She was so mad that she started pulling out her hair. Is that normal? Those kids need a good throttling!

So about a half-hour after Lexi's meltdown and after I said the kids didn't deserve to go to Gayland (I seriously wanted to duct tape their faces shut) we were all headed to Gayland. Nice discipline, eh? Thankfully I didn't pay a damn dime at Gayland; Kelly footed the bill for that "adventure." Unfortunately, I guess I footed the bill because I give Kelly money every month. What a bunch of crap! That was a definite waste of a couple hours of my life. I wish I had stayed home and just gotten drunk. Seriously.

^OMG AWESOME! I JUST FOUND THIS "KIDS SUCK" TEE SHIRT FOR SALE ONLINE. I AM GOING TO BUY ONE RIGHT NOW AND WEAR IT THIS WEEKEND. HAHAHAHAHA! Bye bye $24.90 for that, thank you Amazon.com. Don't tell Kelly because I told her I was too poor to buy her a good Valentine's Day gift. It can be our little secret...

^Mama Fratelli, The Goonies. I love it when she says that in the movie!

In conclusion I'm never having kids. I should get that surgery, a master-blaster-sectomy, so I don't have to worry about it.

I never get laid anymore so I guess it doesn't even matter. What a bunch of crap!


Saturday, 2-1-14: I keep seeing deer and a computer error message.
Ever since I got back from a failure of a Maryland deer hunt last month I've been seeing deer on an almost daily basis. I get my ass out of the rack well before sunrise on most mornings so I can report for work at UPS, and several mornings I've gone outside to start the truck only to see deer running off. They've been hanging out on our frigging yard! Then, on the mornings that I don't see them in the yard, I'll see them crossing the road only a few hundred yards away from the house. One morning last week they were just casually strolling down the road. Gods damn it deer, come out like that in bowseason and see what happens!

The ultimate "fuck you" from the gods who do not really exist happened a couple weeks ago right in my favorite hunting area. I left my trail camera in the woods for many weeks after the hunting season ended because winter came on with a fury. We literally had FEET of snow in the woods and it was frigid. In mid-January we had a little thaw so I went in to get my camera. It was early afternoon, broad daylight, and three frigging deer were hanging out RIGHT IN THE FIELD THAT WE WALK THROUGH TO HUNT IN THE NEARBY WOODS. OMG!

^Hello deer, thanks for standing there in broad daylight when it's not hunting season so I can't turn you into steaks and burger. (Shit cellphone photo taken from afar with no zoom lens. What a bunch of crap!)

Oh well, at least it's nice to know that they're alive so maybe I can put one of 'em into the freezer next fall. Gav posted an awesome video of deer in that hunting area sliding down a little hill back at the end of December after we got epic freezing rain that caused the deep snowpack to have a thick crust atop. He put it on YouTube, but I'm too stupid to imbed a YouTube video on this crappy site so you'll have to click the photo below to see it:

^Awesome trail camera video! I've watched it about 20 times now. Hehehehee.

Alright, enough about deer that I cannot possibly shoot for many more months. It's 1016 now and I should be playing racquetball, but Deno had to push it back some because his fridge stopped working. Hate it when that happens! Our fridge stopped working as a couple weeks ago so I gutted it. I literally took out part after part until I found the defect. Unfortunately, it was beyond my very limited scope of appliance-repair acumen so bye bye $100 for that solution. The fridge didn't technically die all the way, but a fan went out so it wasn't blowing the cold air around properly. It's all bad when it's nearly room temperature on the top shelf of the fridge. What a bunch of crap!

I guess I should sign off now. I just got this error message again:

"Your system is low on memory. Please save your documents then free up memory by closing some documents or other applications." WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

It's bad when that happens. I don't even have that much open right now either so what the fuck, over? I'm ripping out some Bryan Adams (I need Somebody), I have this bootleg site open, I have that sliding-deer video on YouTube open but on pause, and I have an IM window open with Gav that I'm not even using at the moment. Gods damn this lame-ass computer! How many milligrams does this bootleg thing have anyway? Guy looks now...

I have 2GB of Milligrams, shouldn't that be plenty? Back when I worked at Circuit City I thought 512MB of RAM was a shitload. However, that was over a decade ago now. This computer is a slutty whore beotch. What a bunch of crap! I should call that phone number and tell them that they can eat the peanuts out of my shhhhhhhhhheeeeeeiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt. Those mudda fuckas!

Does Gateway even make computers anymore? I didn't even buy this bootleg thing; I got it from my parents a couple years ago after it totally crashed. They wanted me to throw it into my dumpster, but before I heaved it I was able to do a full restore and get it working again. Can't beat the price! You get what you pay for...

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