8-27-14: Jury duty and raking milestones.
They had us all hang out in a room until some old lady told us she was a mushroom and didn't know anything. She seriously said that; it was pretty funny. She reminded me of the old lady bailiff on Night Court. I guess she likes Super Mario Brothers, drugs, or both. Hehehe...
There were about 50 simps in there with me, and 23 were gonna get picked. I figured they would interview us each individually so I was mentally preparing myself to Total Recall out. Gasping for air, going full 'tard, the works. That would have excused me from my duty as a citizen, right? Hehehe..
Fortunately for me (and for society) their selection process involved no interviews and no screening whatsoever. The judgie read off some rules of the game and said don't chew gum (seriously. wtf?!) then her clerk-ette appeared to pick names from a hat. OMG! I'm not even joking either. I couldn't see what she was pulling the name cards out of, but it could have been a hat. Maybe a plastic container? She read off juror numbers and every time she said 48, 3, 7, 17, etc. I thanked the gods who do not really exist that my number 20 was spared. Finally the agony was over and I was a free man. Score. Oh Jesus, hell ya! Serving on a grand jury would have sucked because they are required to meet once a month for a FUCKING YEAR. HOLY CRISPY CRAP! NO THANKS ON THAT. Jurors do receive a handsome compensation package of 15 cents a mile and 10 dollars, though. I would have made $10.30 each time! What's that, about $2.50 an hour? Fucking bunch of crap right there...
I was in the Navy for almost 5 years, damnit. I shouldn't have to be on a jury because I already served my citizen fee back in the 90s when I was a sailor. How can I make that a law? According to the papers that I got in the mail if you're over 80 or the governer then you don't have to be on a jury. There are a couple other exceptions that I can't recall, but pretty much you're screwed if you are chosen to be a juror. What a bunch of crap!
It felt good to be a free man because I have a lot of crap to do. I've been getting my Bangor property ready for new tenants over the past couple days, and the place is just about all set now. I really didn't have to do a lot over there because the place was already in great condition, but I did want to install a closet in the downstairs bedroom so I've had just enough time to mostly pull that off. The framing and sheetrock didn't take too long, but the mudding and taping requires drying time between coats so that's why I'm not done yet. I think by Saturday PM I will have it all done, though.
Since I've had apartment crap to do, and since it's been really hot since Monday, Kat and I didn't blueberry rake yesterday or today. However, I did rake every day from last Thursday through Monday. Last Thursday the owners raised the pay from $3 a box to $4 a box and ever since then I've been averaging well over $20 an hour. Not bad! The field we're in now is pretty good, but the next and final field doesn't look so hot to me. If the owners don't hire more help they will have to lose some berries because at their current pace their fields won't be done until the second week of September or even later. OMG! Even now a few berries here and there are starting to shrivel up and rot away.
I was looking at my records (I keep
spreadsheets of everything.), and check this out:
HOLY CRISPY CRAP I HAVE BLUEBERRY RAKED 5706 BUCKETS/BOXES (MOSTLY BOXES) SINCE 1999! EACH BOX HOLDS 22-25 POUNDS OF BERRIES SO AT 23.5 LBS PER AVG THAT IS 134,091 POUNDS. That spreadsheet above doesn't even include the 259 boxes that I've raked down in Franklin since Cliff's season ended so I'm actually closing in on 6000 boxes. I should surpass that number tomorrow. That will then be around 70.5 TONS of blueberries that I have harvested since I got out of the Navy and raked in Waltham for the Jordans in 1999.
70.5 TONS. HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD ITS A MIRACLE THAT I AM STILL ALIVE. No wonder I can't get fat. That's a shitload of calories burned because raking ain't easy.
Including what I've made down in Franklin I've made over $17,000 from blueberry raking. Wow! I might be able to make another $800-1000 down there as well before the season ends, too. Nice! I want to use the extra money to take a little road trip vacation with my awesome girlfriend so that keeps me motivated. Plus I have mental problems and I actually like to blueberry rake. That cannot be explained. At this rate I'll probably die on a blueberry field. What a bunch of crap!
Kat is officially the most badass woman I've ever known. Last Thursday we brought her daughter, he son's girlfriend, and her dog (Oloff) down to the field. Unfortunately, before Kat could even rake one single rake-full of blueberries Oloff got a little jumpy, he pulled hard and fast on his leader, and the cord wrapped around Kat's right pinkie and broke it. What a bunch of crap! However, since Kat is tougher than rebar she raked all day. Then she raked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday with me. With a broken hand. Oh, she also got sunburned, blisters, the works. Plus on Monday it was 88 degrees in the field with no wind and no clouds. That was a brutal day for raking, but the raking was good and we got 50 boxes between the two of us ($200!) in just over 5 hours. Not bad! We probably lost a few pounds from sweating on that day.
I wonder how much I weigh now? I've been eating like a pig, but I think the raking burns more calories than I intake. I gots a scale in the gym here that I never use because raking is my gym... guy weighs himself. Wow, down to 146. I was about 150 before raking! I'm definitely NOT trying to lose weight, but it happens. Last fall I was down to 143 for a bit so I wonder if I'll lose a little more? I was 140 in high school so should I be scared? I feel great so I think not. I hope not!
I'll be busy for the rest of the month so this might be my last update until September. Kat and I plan to rake for the next three days, and we might even camp out down there tomorrow night. Then we gotta go to Mom and Pop's for a visit on Sunday and it's back to raking next week. Plus I will have other tenants moving out, more lawns to mow, rents to collect, etc. I'm busy, but my greedy ass has no one to blame but myself for it. Since I've made so much from raking maybe I won't have to get a "real" job until tax season. If so that would be awesome!
Oh wait, there's a $5740 property
tax bill on my desk here and another one for $2330. Gods damn it! "Only"
half of it is due by Sept 12th and the rest is due by March, 2015, but
that's still $3500 due in about two weeks. [sigh] Looks like
I might have to get another real job after all. What a bunch of crap!
Wednesday, 8-20-14: Blueberry
I'm out of here for now because I have a lot of shit to do. I'm a busy mofo! Between hanging out with my awesome, hot girlfriend and the work schedule I have little time for other things like watching the Red Sox (they're in last place anyway. What a bunch of crap!) and updating this pathetic excuse for a webpage.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Kat went blueberry raking me both Monday and yesterday! I taught her how to rake, and she's really good at it. The boss-lady said "I don't mean to be fresh, but you're in really great shape." to Kat yesterday around quitting time. I don't know what being fresh actually means, but maybe she was just trying to be polite or tell Kat she's not a lesbian checking her out? Kat, on only her second day ever raking, raked more boxes than everyone on the entire crew excluding me. She's a TOUGH cookie. We're not raking today so we can both take care of some crap, but we'll be back at it tomorrow. Kat's bringing her daughter tomorrow so that should be even more fun! Wish I had more time because I could devote an entire update on the rag-tag hobo crew that rakes with us down in Franklin. They're all nice people, and they're very entertaining!
My next update might be a while because
I'm so busy. Sorry to the two of you drooling simps who actually read
this bootleg site. I'm out of here. Goonies never say die!
Wednesday, 8-13-14: My
I'm not the cellphone Santa Claus anymore gods damn it! I gotta cut costs so I have more money to spend on my awesome gf.
I guess the phone that I've owned
over the past 13-ish months is a bootleg piece of shit? That's what my
tenant/US Cellular guy has been telling me and it's what I've come to
believe since lately I can't even type out a txt message without the thing
changing half of what I write to jive-jibberish. All I wanna know? Why
does the phone gotta change "Hi" to "Hijo"? That simply
cannot be explained, and it is a bunch of crap! When I first got the phone
I loved it because I didn't know any better. I guess? It was the first
phone that I owned capable of ripping out tunes so I loved the old-school
NES ringtone that I created for myself:
Here is what I wrote about my former
favorite phone, the Alcatel One Touch, back when I first got the thing
in late June of last year. I guess at first I hated it; I must have grown
to love it once I learned the music features!
I figured out how to call and text on this phone yesterday. I guess that's good enough, right? I even discovered a flashlight feature and I got a couple photos taken. Score! Unfortunately, I cannot get the photos from my phone to anywhere. It's great that this phone can take pictures; it even has a flash. However, the pictures are totally worthless if I can't do a goddamn thing with them. I can't send them to my email, and I can't get my bootleg computer to recognize the USB hookup. CONNECT TO MY FUCKING COMPUTER GODS DAMNED YOUZ!"
I seriously have no idea what model this new phone of mine is (the box is in my truck), but it has a slide-out keyboard and a touch screen. I need to get my Legacy of the Wizard ringtone on this phone ASAP or else I will hear it ring with the default ringtone and have no clue what is happening. I should plug it into my PC now and see what happens...
OK nothing happens and I think I need blue teeth in order to bite into this thing. Gods damned the Blueberry-Ray technology! HEY TECHNOLOGY GODS THAT DO NOT REALLY EXIST, THOR THE SEXUAL HAMMER GOD (MYSELF) DEMANDS THAT YOU ALLOW HIM TO PUT AWESOME 80S TUNES INTO THIS PHONE. NO MUSIC = WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!
I'm probably screwed when it comes to figuring
out this new phone, but I am happy to say that I had a shitload of bootleg
"bonus" points that they issue to me for doing nothing at all
but be a paying customer, and I scored this awesome toy:
It's a wireless shark-tooth speaker so I can rip out tunes from my phone at an even louder volume than the default and tinny phone speakers. Sweet! Unfortunately, I am too stupid to install music so hopefully my genius gf can walk me through the process. Kat is quite resourceful; she's good at everything. She can paint, she can cook, she can install Wal-Mart furniture properly (I fucked up the table legs. THE LEGS. What a bunch of crap!), and she even helped one of my giblet-head tenants get his dog to stop barking at The Nothing that was the emptiness of his apartment when he wasn't there. If she can do all that then surely she can help me learn this phone. She's good at technology because she knows what plugs go where and crap. She hooked up my Blueberry-Ray player for me last month, too. I win at life as long as I don't get hauled on because she hooks me up and I love her very much.
Retail on the speaker-thing is $100 so I really got hooked up with my boner-points. US Cellular rules! I'm guessing this will come in quite handy at my fire-pit late-night, around the house, and maybe even when I'm getting my swell on with my sexy and in-shape girlfriend here in my gym. However, first I need FUCKING MUSIC on the phone. Ah well, no problems, only solutions so far this summer. I'll just learn how to use Shark-Bite technology so it can be wirelessly converted from my old phone. Maybe? Okay, that last sentence was a lie. I won't learn how to do it, but I bet my genius girlfriend knows what to do so I should be all set!
Summer, 2014 = AWESOME!
Tuesday, 8-12-14: Tommy's
Stone Cold Stunner.
Kat's friend (who shall remain anonymous for all of etirnity lest she finds this pathetic excuse for a website so henceforth I shall call her Giblette) has a crush on Tommy. She wants him to pokerize her in a major way, or at least she did want that until later in the night after much hilarity at her expense. Giblette wanted Tommy so badly that she actually "stalkerized" him on Saturday. He was shooting hoops by the school, she found out he was on the courts, and she drove around to different basketball courts until she found him. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Then she wanted to win a date with him by betting she could make a shot and she got DEINED when she missed. What a funny bunch of crap! Tommy sent me this text about that later Saturday: "She wanted to come over but I declined that offer."
So on Sunday it was known by all that Giblette wanted to get with Tommy. The fact that he 100% wanted nothing to do with her apparently got her even more horny for him. She's probably a nice girl, but she really doesn't have anything in common with Tommy at all. Plus she's not too pretty; back in the heyday of this horrible site I would have posted this photo of her:
A short time later Giblette tried another direct Tommy-access technique when she shoved her meaty hands down his shirt. He had to grab her arm and literally pry it away as he said "Get your paws off me!" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Then she put some ice down his shirt so he said "Get away from me you frost troll!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It was hilarious because he wasn't just flirting with her; he really wanted nothing to do with her at all, even for a free bj. You'd think a guy calling a girl a troll would send a message, but she didn't seem to get it.
Meanwhile I was laughing so much at Tommy that Kat got mad at me because she thought I was ignoring her. What a bunch of crap! It didn't help that I was daring Tommy to go on the dance floor and reenact the highlight reel from Total Recall. (Quaid... start the reactor!) I even told Tommy I'd pay his bar tab if he did it! So Kat left and went next door to McDonald's to get food without us. I wasn't trying to ignore my girlfriend so I kinda smoothed things over, but sometimes my real-life antics = what a bunch of crap. However, her pissed-off driving later that night did make for some good out of the bad. I probably could have driven, but I did have a few beers in me so better to let her do it since she wasn't drinking. We couldn't decide whether or not to go to McDonald's on the way home so at the last minute she hauled on my truck with a badass U-turn across Main Street. I was laughing and requesting permission to drive as my change flew across to my passenger side. I said "There goes all my dollar value money!" HAHAHAHAHA!
We got back to the house to mow down on some dollar cheeseburgers and then it was time to send Giblette packing. Kat suggested that Tommy walk Giblette out to her car, and I watched from the door because I knew something funny would happen. Tommy knows Giblette has about 7 other men on her speed-dial so by then he was openly calling her out for pertty much being a slut. He said "Gee that would be too bad if another man was in your car." in the most sarcastic "fuck this" voice I've ever head from him, I lost it laughing, and then she tried to kick him in the balls. Fortunately, he caught her leg, spun around, and gave her a Stone Cold Stunner right there at the edge of my lawn before her kick could connect. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OMG TOMMY GAVE A CHICK A WRESTLING MOVE LATE-NIGHT BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO KICK HIM IN THE BALLS. AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS THE STUFF OF LEGEND, AND I SWEAR TO THE GODS WHO DO NOT REALLY EXIST THAT IT IS 100% TRUE! She wasn't hurt too much from the stunner, but he did take her down with it. She got up, got in her car, drove off, and now she thinks Kat should haul on me and Tommy is not her type anymore. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tommy wins the night and he had me cracking up many times.
Summer, 2014 = AWESOME.
*Because its parents
were in a jam. Derrrrrrrr.....
Monday, 8-11-14: A look
back at blueberry raking 2014.
I haven't updated this bootleg turd of a site in exactly two weeks thanks to blueberry raking. I spent most of July in screw-off mode only working 20-ish hours a week, but then it was time to drop the hammer and make real money. I raked for Cliff in his fields behind his house last Tuesday-Thursday and stayed with Mom and Pop both Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Then I came back home and had just enough time to see my awesome girlfriend and get my old apartment ready for the new guy before I had to get going again to set up camp with Gavin at Camden Hills for our annual week of raking together. When I was back home last week I barely had time to get my old apartment turned over. The new guy was literally moving crap in as the old tenants were scrubbing and cleaning on their way out. Kat helped me paint the walls and clean so the place looks a lot nicer now, but we didn't have time to clean and scrub everything so I just gave the new guy a discount instead. Rent discounts cost me precious... precious money, but they do help solve problems. No problems, only solutions!
This raking season Cliff had a smaller
crew than he has had in years past. It was his best crew ever in my opinion!
Plus he intoduced his own fields to the machines for the first time. We
hand-raked parts of his field and the machines did other parts. It was
surreal seeing this one day at his place:
I used the Excalibur rake (The Ex!) some and a smaller rake some this year, and I feel like I got a great workout as I always do. The Ex is a badass huge rake that can waste your body in a hurry, but my greedy ass loves to use it because it increases my production. One day I was at 48 boxes for the day ($3.25 a box this year. we hand-rake into plastic totes much smaller than the ones that the machines use.) and I was in great raking so I got greedy and wanted to get to 50 for the day. However, I was physically wasted like Doc-J and 8-Ball from Full Metal Jacket so I almost couldn't finish. I almost passed out a couple times and then I had to get on my hands and knees and crawl along for a couple minutes. What a greedy bunch of crap! I made an extra $6.50 but I'm not sure it was worth it.
On Saturday I was in good raking so I used the Ex rake all day for 50 boxes in 6 hours of work. At lunch I had 34 boxes and after lunch I got 16 more and then it was game over. I didn't almost pass out like I had a few days prior, but my wad was blown so I just made a bed out of plastic boxes and relaxed as I made fun of Gavin for talking to Cliff's daughter. That was a fun day because I literally got permission for Gavin ot take her out on a date. Hahahahaha! We were all at lunch, Gav was drining beer because he was celebrating meeting his goal of $800, and he was talking to the girl as I made fun of him from up by my truck.
I tried to play matchmaker in the field that day in between dominating my row with the Ex, but Gav wanted nothing to do with it and he flipped me off a few times. Awesome! Too bad for him because I think she would have said YES in a second if he asked her out. He should have at least asked for her phone number, but he doesn't even care... if he cares.
There was some good levity on the crew this year. "Dundee" was back again for his 4th year. He has a speech impediment so when he talks he sounds like he's from Australia, and some of the things he does is a riot. One day he said "All they do is gripe." when he was raking next to me because most of us complain in jest abour poor raking, rock walls, bunchberries, weeds, bugs, etc. Then another day he was standing there just looking in his rake so I asked "Why aren't you raking yet?" His reply was classic: "Because there is an undesirable insect in my rake." I looked in and there was a bee in there that was barely crawling along like it was seconds from death. The thing posed no real threat, and then Phil came over and stomped it to death and said "There you go." The term "undesirable insect" and "gripe" became part of my raking lexicon after that. HAHAHAHAHA!
In Cliff's field there were several hornets nests and I got stung a couple times. What a bunch of crap! I guess that's why Dundee raked in jeans and a hoodie even when it was 80 degrees, because he was afraid of getting stung. He wore way too many clothes out there so he's lucky he didn't get a heat stroke. Plus he'd run to get more empties so he didn't waste time. HAHAHAHAHA! One day he said he didn't eat the blueberries because he didn't want to eat any profits, but there are literally a frigging gazillion berries in the field so eating a few is like taking a sip from one of the Great Lakes. HAHAHAHAHA!
A couple other rakers were Devan and
his girlfriend. One day they decided to swap out their shirts and hilarity
Overall it was a great 2014 raking season. We had a few rain showers, but for the most part the weather was cooperative. Last week I spent most of my time raking, but we both did come back Tuesday PM and night so I could mow lawns, collect some rents, and of course see Kat.Not seeing my awesome gf for most of raking = what a bunch of crap! It was great to get home yesterday PM and see her again. We went out last night and had some fun times that I will have to write about next time. The highlight of the night had to have been the Stone Cold Stunner that Tommy gave to Kat's friend. Hilarious!
Summer, 2014 = AWESOME.
Goonies never say die!