In case you don't already know, the quotes listed above are from one of the best movies ever made. Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket features some of the best quotes in the history of cinema. Hell, in the history or the world! Gunnery Sgt. Hartman (R. Lee Ermey) berates his Marine-Corps recruits, and that shit is funny! I'll have plenty of quotes from that movie here on this page, and I'll also toss in quotes from friends, family, and other sources. If I think it's funny, you'll see it here!
Note: The underlined quotes
are linked to either .wav or .mp3 files. Click to hear them! If they
don't work on your PC then stop being a goddamn hippie and trade in
your Mac for a PC. If you have a PC and they still don't work then you're
fucked because they work on my Best Buy special!
Quotes from people I know:
Oct 2, 2011: "Work and religion get in the way of a man's fishing and hunting." -Pop
9-22-10: GAVIN (3:59 PM): I got wasted, passed out and forgot to shut my fridge door so it cost me $20 on my next motnhs power bill
August 28, 2011: "I've evolved past the point where I believe some fairy in the sky will punish me if I'm bad. I'm not gonna steal other people's shit because it would piss me off if someone did that to me. It's not the right thing to do." -Tommy
August, 2011: "Somehow
I'm accidentally good with kids." -Me
June, 2010: "Do
you get pissed off when you burn your food?" -Me
6-3-10: "Man, I blew so much money on strippers & booze on my 'business trip.' I spent so much money there they gave me a free t-shirt & hat visor thing. The diva girls look like tattooed sewer rats compared to these broads. wish I could some how expense strippers & booze." -Gavin
4-18-10: GAVIN (8:46:44 AM): can't believe you are not hungover today. Your liver must be as efficient as a nuclear power plant.
4-21-10: "Hi Stevie, this is Mom calling. Just wanted you to know you failed as a son..." -voicemail from Mom.
March 17, 2010:
"She's the type of girl I'd have to take out on 5 or 6 dates
before I might get some tail. Screw that!" -Me
August, 2009: "This house is like a
piece of clay; we can mold it into whatever we want." -Me
July 2009: "Do
you have a girlfriend?" -Me
June 20, 2009: "Wait a minute, you had
sex with a blowup doll?" -Doug
June 13, 2009:
June 6, 2009: "Just so u know ur tiny dick is a turnoff! I looked past it because i thought u were an honest genuine person. Turns out ur just like every other douchebag." -Sara Conner
March 20, 2009: "They need a certified
bank check for the earnest deposit." -Jody (my real estate
March 1, 2009: "What is a natatorium?"
-Question in the Coffee News
February 17, 2009: "Doug, with arms like that you'd be wasting them if you didn't beat your wife." -Liz
February 4, 2009: "I forgot to check
my mail." -Doug after we left Tucson for the last time
December 4, 2008:
October 28, 2008:
October 26, 2008:
September 17, 2008: "She's a scumbag like me so we get along great." -Doug
September 4, 2008:
August 31, 2008: "I'd blow a massive load
all over her chin until she looked like Santa Claus!" -Kevin
June 26, 2008:
June 9, 2008: "It's too bad you're emotionally impotent." -Liz
May 11, 2008: "I feel like I'm too old to hang out with you, Steve." -Phil (who is 8 years younger than me.)
April 15, 2008:
April 5, 2008:
Jan 16, 2008: "God likes me, except I do not believe he exists." -Gavin
Nov 3, 2007: "I owe you a slut." -Mandy
Oct 16, 2007: "I
like to get shit done fast because I have other things to do."
-Me to Krista at work
July 23, 2007: "I love it when a girl smokes. A girl who'll put a cigarette in her mouth will put anything in her mouth." -Bill
July, 2007: "I kinda had a loud bed in college." -Danielle
June 22, 2007: "She was giving me head tonight while her kid was watching and saying, 'Mom? Mom?'." -Doug
June 2007: "I remember that time I came to visit you and you got wasted and passed out on the kitchen floor and that black dog you had was licking your face." -Gavin
June 12, 2007: "I am awesome at pissing parents off." -Doug
June, 2007: "I wouldn't fuck her with your dick and me pushing!" -Jamie
May, 2007: "If you get drunk alone on a regular basis then it pretty much means you hate yourself." -Tommy
May 5, 2007: "I
hate fat chicks with no tits." -Me
Mar 2007: "They tried to put me to sleep when I was at the dentist, but I woke up and started walking around. Then the receptionist saw me and told me I shouldn't be walking around so I dropped and started doing pushups." -Tennie
Jan 12, 2006: "I will stick my face in the asshole of a skunk any day. ANY DAY." -Simpette
Dec 31, 2006: "I'll suck your dick real good... I don't know how else to pay you back!" -Simpette
Nov 2006: "I like my women how I like my vomit: on the floor and full of alcohol." -Allen
Nov 28, 2006: "I was wondering if you wanted to go out for lunch? Since it's your birthday I'll pay, even though you're a jerk." -Simpette
Sept 28, 2006: "If a girl isn't fuckable, is there really any point in talking to them?" -Doug
Sept 14, 2006:
August 9, 2006: "I love it when you pokerize meh! ;-)" -Anonymous hot chick
June 25, 2006: "You look better today, Papa.
Keep it up and you might live to be 100!" -Me to my 92-year
June 11, 2006: "ladies dream of the day they get pimped by the simp pimp. Im so grateful that I may mention it on Thanksgiving when I say grace. :-)" -Simpette
April 28, 2006:
"Female dolphins vocalize three times more than males. Why is that?"
April, 2006: "He
used to be pretty bad. Drank beer, stole cars, ect. Then his wife left
him and he turned his life around and found God." -One of the
March 28, 2006: "Listen, I am the shit. I have a husband, a fiance, and I'm pregnant. It doesn't get that much more fucked up." -Cas.
March 2006: "you really going to pay $10,000 for a new roof? Why don't we get up there with a couple big tarps & a staple gun, I'll help ya bud!" -Gavin
February 2006: "I should build a count down clock (days until Vegas), but I have to keep my computer clock on last years date to keep all my boot leg programs running past the 30 day free trial." -Gavin
February 2006: "The last thing I remember was thinking to myself 'I probably shouldn't drink this." -Phil recalling the last thought that went through his head before he got blacked-out drunk
February 2006: "So this morning I was out ice fishing on a lake where salmon have to be 20 inches or longer to keep. I hauled one up that was 19-3/4, so I put it on the ice a stepped on it. I checked my measurement and this time it was 20-1/4 so I kept it. Was that unethical?" -recent post in an college ethics class discussion folder
December 31, 2005:
"She's a two-dollar slut." -Me
November 2005: "I don't think nuns play
with their boobies, though." -Barbie
November 6, 2005: "i gots a trail cam last night, im gonna set it up in your bedroom so i can catch your white ass jumpin up and down on the fat chicks" -Computer message from my brother, Jason
October 30, 2005:
September 2, 2005: "Babe, if you eat now that's just more you're gonna throw up later when you get drunk." -Eddie
September 2, 2005: "Lindsay has more rolls than a Nissen bakery." -Eddie
August 28, 2005: "This movie has a lot of
music in it." -A comment I made while watching some of the
80s flick, 'Top Gun'
August 7, 2005: "I kept offering Sam a swig from the flask, but apparently she has something against drinking and driving." -Phil
July 30, 2005: "Try to behave yourselves tonight so you don't end up in the slammer like Doug." -Mom's cellphone text message to my other brother, Jason, the night I went down to party with him.
March, 2005: "Jesus was a pussy." -Tommy
March 1, 2005: "I have nothing against sluts... If one chick calls another chick a slut, I think she is complimenting her." -Gavin
Feb 2005: "The only thing I installed this
weekend was a bunch of birdshot in a bunch of crows..." -Dad
(after I told him I had installed a new toilet and vanity in the bathroom
over the weekend.)
Jan 28, 2005: "...plus fat chicks won't fit in a hot tub, so you will be less likely to hook up with one." -Gavin (on the benefits of owning a hot tub.)
Nov 2004: "It was pretty bad though. Really. I don't even know if I would consider it sex it was that bad. I felt bad for the guy." -Vikki
Oct 2004: "I was afraid to bring her down the stairs outside because she was so wasted I didn't want her to fall so I brought her all the way around the front so I could be sure you'd get laid." -Doug
Oct 2004: (11:41:29
AM): I really like being single, but it is nice to get pussy and have
a girl who gives a shit about you
Oct 2004: "Just let me get a look at the meat before I decide whether I'm hungry for a steak or if I'd rather stick with my veggie burger." - an anonymous friend in a disgruntled relationship when I told her I could hook her up with a guy
Oct 2004: "I was hoping for just a kiss, but I ended up making out with her for over two hours. It kinda pissed me off because I wanted to watch the Sox game." - Phil
Summer 2004: "Hun, I can't give you a blowjob, a handjob, and hold the pillow all at the same time!" - anonymous friend in the living room during the movie "The Neverending Story"
Spring 2004: "I wanted to move my bed to the other side of the room, but I was afraid you might be able to look into my room when the door was open and see what I was doing in there." -Walt
Full Metal Jacket Quotes:
"You are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized, grabasstic pieces of amphibion shit!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman, Introduction to bootcamp.
"Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit-twinlke-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant?" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to the recruits.
"I'm gonna give you three seconds. Exactly three fucking seconds to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to Private Pyle.
"Why you little maggot! You make me wanna vomit!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to a recruit.
"You slimy scumbag! Get on your face and give me 25!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to a recruit.
What is that? What the FUCK is that? What is that Private Pyle?!"
"Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag, puke piece of shit, or did you have to work on it?" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to Private Pyle.