In case you don't already know, the quotes listed above are from one of the best movies ever made. Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket features some of the best quotes in the history of cinema. Hell, in the history or the world! Gunnery Sgt. Hartman (R. Lee Ermey) berates his Marine-Corps recruits, and that shit is funny! I'll have plenty of quotes from that movie here on this page, and I'll also toss in quotes from friends, family, and other sources. If I think it's funny, you'll see it here!

Note: The underlined quotes are linked to either .wav or .mp3 files. Click to hear them! If they don't work on your PC then stop being a goddamn hippie and trade in your Mac for a PC. If you have a PC and they still don't work then you're fucked because they work on my Best Buy special!

Quotes from people I know:

Oct 2, 2011: "Work and religion get in the way of a man's fishing and hunting." -Pop

9-22-10: GAVIN (3:59 PM): I got wasted, passed out and forgot to shut my fridge door so it cost me $20 on my next motnhs power bill

August 28, 2011: "I've evolved past the point where I believe some fairy in the sky will punish me if I'm bad. I'm not gonna steal other people's shit because it would piss me off if someone did that to me. It's not the right thing to do." -Tommy

August, 2011: "Somehow I'm accidentally good with kids." -Me
"Probably because you act like one." -

June, 2010: "Do you get pissed off when you burn your food?" -Me
"No because then I'd live my whole life pissed off." -

6-3-10: "Man, I blew so much money on strippers & booze on my 'business trip.' I spent so much money there they gave me a free t-shirt & hat visor thing. The diva girls look like tattooed sewer rats compared to these broads. wish I could some how expense strippers & booze." -Gavin

4-18-10: GAVIN (8:46:44 AM): can't believe you are not hungover today. Your liver must be as efficient as a nuclear power plant.

4-21-10: "Hi Stevie, this is Mom calling. Just wanted you to know you failed as a son..." -voicemail from Mom.

March 17, 2010:
GAVIN: (7:57:24 PM): he should go on a homo cruise, they must have those...
GAVIN: (7:57:27 PM): oh yeah, it's called the navy ;)

February, 2010: "She's the type of girl I'd have to take out on 5 or 6 dates before I might get some tail. Screw that!" -Me
"Yeah, you're better off just finding some whore." -

August, 2009: "This house is like a piece of clay; we can mold it into whatever we want." -Me
"It's more like Silly Putty." -

August, 2009:
: (10:31:47 PM): I like chick flicks if I am watching it with a hot chick that is going to bone me... but that never happens, so I guess I hate chick flicks too

July 2009: "Do you have a girlfriend?" -Me
"No, women are nothing but trouble!" -
James (9 years old)

June 20, 2009: "Wait a minute, you had sex with a blowup doll?" -Doug
"Hell yeah, I fucked the shit out of it!" -

June 13, 2009:
RAMBO: I own all five Ratt albums
RAMBO: Don't be jealous
GAVIN: I'm sorry... I would ask for a refund if I was you

June 6, 2009: "Just so u know ur tiny dick is a turnoff! I looked past it because i thought u were an honest genuine person. Turns out ur just like every other douchebag." -Sara Conner

March 20, 2009: "They need a certified bank check for the earnest deposit." -Jody (my real estate agant)
"What's wrong with a personal check?" -Me
"They know your brother and they think it's dirty whore money." -Jody

March 1, 2009: "What is a natatorium?" -Question in the Coffee News
"The inside of Steve's mini-fridge!" -Doug

February 17, 2009: "Doug, with arms like that you'd be wasting them if you didn't beat your wife." -Liz

February 4, 2009: "I forgot to check my mail." -Doug after we left Tucson for the last time
"Fuck it!" -Me
"Yeah, it's just bills anyway." -Doug

December 4, 2008:
GAVIN: Since my mom lives with me, I have no hope... I have to live vicariously though you.

October 28, 2008:
LIZ (8:48:04 PM): you are just insensitive and stupid in the ways of women

October 26, 2008:
POP: OK. Have fun and don't tick off your honey. Be emotional.

September 17, 2008: "She's a scumbag like me so we get along great." -Doug

September 4, 2008:
GAVIN: When i get done with a book I just throw it out. fortunately for the environment I think reading sucks most of the time.

August 31, 2008: "I'd blow a massive load all over her chin until she looked like Santa Claus!" -Kevin

July 2008: "I have been impressed with the new improved Steve... when I am around for some reason you do not bone super fat chicks, only fats chicks." -Gavin

June 2008: "You're my boss and my landlord. If I piss you off I'm FUCKED." -Killa Phil

June 26, 2008:
GAVIN: alright my lunch break is officially over, so I need to extend it and go make something to eat

June 9, 2008: "It's too bad you're emotionally impotent." -Liz

May 11, 2008: "I feel like I'm too old to hang out with you, Steve." -Phil (who is 8 years younger than me.)

April 15, 2008:
GAVIN: These teddy grahams are fucking -A
RAMBO: I love em!
GAVIN: Whoever invented the snakc pack should get the nobel priz4e that they gave to that fuck stain al gore

April 5, 2008:
GAVIN: exactly... 1 date is all that is needed... FFF
GAVIN: find them, fuck them, forget them...
GAVIN: I am a scum bag

Jan 16, 2008: "God likes me, except I do not believe he exists." -Gavin

Nov 3, 2007: "I owe you a slut." -Mandy

Oct 16, 2007: "I like to get shit done fast because I have other things to do." -Me to Krista at work
"Is that how you are in bed, too!?" -Krista

July 23, 2007: "I love it when a girl smokes. A girl who'll put a cigarette in her mouth will put anything in her mouth." -Bill

July, 2007: "I kinda had a loud bed in college." -Danielle

June 22, 2007: "She was giving me head tonight while her kid was watching and saying, 'Mom? Mom?'." -Doug

June 2007: "I remember that time I came to visit you and you got wasted and passed out on the kitchen floor and that black dog you had was licking your face." -Gavin

June 12, 2007: "I am awesome at pissing parents off." -Doug

June, 2007: "I wouldn't fuck her with your dick and me pushing!" -Jamie

May, 2007: "If you get drunk alone on a regular basis then it pretty much means you hate yourself." -Tommy

May 5, 2007: "I hate fat chicks with no tits." -Me
"That's the most worthless thing, ever!" -Tommy

Mar 2007: "They tried to put me to sleep when I was at the dentist, but I woke up and started walking around. Then the receptionist saw me and told me I shouldn't be walking around so I dropped and started doing pushups." -Tennie

Jan 2007:
: Get this... my neighbors hate me so badly that when the house got busted, they went in their back yard and CELEBRATED.
DOUG: Well, we can't party over here again for six months because my house is "red tagged." The cops put a giant sticker on my window informing the world that we are scumbags.
DOUG: And if they get called again, I go to jail.
DOUG: How I haven't gone to jail yet is beyond me.
DOUG: In Arizona, anyway.

Jan 12, 2006: "I will stick my face in the asshole of a skunk any day. ANY DAY." -Simpette

Jan 2007:
: i am glad you are not a bad ass
SIMPETTE: you are just an ass

Dec 31, 2006: "I'll suck your dick real good... I don't know how else to pay you back!" -Simpette

Nov 2006: "I like my women how I like my vomit: on the floor and full of alcohol." -Allen

Nov 2006:
: One day if we get married and have kids we will be financially secure
SIMPETTE: you cant really be sure of that can you?
RAMBO: Nope, but I can be fairly certain
RAMBO: Because I try to be 3 steps ahead in life
SIMPETTE: i dont want to be secure, i want to be very comfortable that I can have a boat, camp, facelift, asslift, booblift, and a nice BMW

Nov 28, 2006: "I was wondering if you wanted to go out for lunch? Since it's your birthday I'll pay, even though you're a jerk." -Simpette

Sept 28, 2006: "If a girl isn't fuckable, is there really any point in talking to them?" -Doug

Sept 14, 2006:
RAMBO: Full moon that weekend = shittier hunting conditions
SIMPETTE: oh yes because the deer turn into warewolves and are more dangerous to hunt

August 9, 2006: "I love it when you pokerize meh! ;-)" -Anonymous hot chick

July 2006:
EMMA: oh and i find you to be just as much of a peice of crap as you find me
RAMBO: Can I quote that?
EMMA: and just as usless if not more
EMMA: can i slam your dick in a door?

June 25, 2006: "You look better today, Papa. Keep it up and you might live to be 100!" -Me to my 92-year old grandfather
"Why in the hell would I want to live to be 100? No booze, no strippers.... no smokes." -Papa

June 2006:
RAMBO: He didn't tell you I own the trailer park too?
EMMA: um no
EMMA: are you serious?
RAMBO: Fuck no
EMMA: haha
EMMA: damn i was gonna say can i rent one?
RAMBO: How creepy would that be? A girl like you pulling into some run-down trailer park with cletus sitting on a rusted out chair drinking a Natty
EMMA: i'd grab one and toss it back with him
RAMBO: what if it was The Beast?
EMMA: then i'd prob make out with him first then toss back the natty

June 11, 2006: "ladies dream of the day they get pimped by the simp pimp. Im so grateful that I may mention it on Thanksgiving when I say grace. :-)" -Simpette

April 28, 2006: "Female dolphins vocalize three times more than males. Why is that?" -HDNet documentary
"Cause they don't know when to shut the fuck up!" -Phil

April, 2006: "He used to be pretty bad. Drank beer, stole cars, ect. Then his wife left him and he turned his life around and found God." -One of the FedEx drivers
"I hope I never find God." -Jess

March 28, 2006: "Listen, I am the shit. I have a husband, a fiance, and I'm pregnant. It doesn't get that much more fucked up." -Cas.

March 2006: "you really going to pay $10,000 for a new roof? Why don't we get up there with a couple big tarps & a staple gun, I'll help ya bud!" -Gavin

March 2006:
GAVIN: I am so underpaid at this job it is ridiculous
GAVIN: I hear the birds everytime I sit down to work
GAVIN: "cheap" "cheep" "cheap"

February 2006: "I should build a count down clock (days until Vegas), but I have to keep my computer clock on last years date to keep all my boot leg programs running past the 30 day free trial." -Gavin

February 2006: "The last thing I remember was thinking to myself 'I probably shouldn't drink this." -Phil recalling the last thought that went through his head before he got blacked-out drunk

February 2006: "So this morning I was out ice fishing on a lake where salmon have to be 20 inches or longer to keep. I hauled one up that was 19-3/4, so I put it on the ice a stepped on it. I checked my measurement and this time it was 20-1/4 so I kept it. Was that unethical?" -recent post in an college ethics class discussion folder

December 31, 2005: "She's a two-dollar slut." -Me
"That's okay, I got two dollars!" -Walt

November 2005:
GAVIN: I use this computer to stream .3gp porn files to my cell phone ;-)
GAVIN: that will be big business in the future
GAVIN: porn on cell phones
RAMBO: porn should just be everywhere
GAVIN: the husband can go out in the car for 10 minutes and rub one out with his cell phone for $1.50
GAVIN: while the whore wife is a beotch

November 2005: "I don't think nuns play with their boobies, though." -Barbie
"They do when no one's looking." -Carmen

November 6, 2005: "i gots a trail cam last night, im gonna set it up in your bedroom so i can catch your white ass jumpin up and down on the fat chicks" -Computer message from my brother, Jason

October 30, 2005:
VIKKI: i really want a new job
VIKKI: it blows working around sea cows all day
VIKKI: im suprised i got hired really. i figured a requirement was to be at least a good hefty 350 pounds -from a chat with my friend who works at McDonald's

September 2, 2005: "Babe, if you eat now that's just more you're gonna throw up later when you get drunk." -Eddie

September 2, 2005: "Lindsay has more rolls than a Nissen bakery." -Eddie

August 28, 2005: "This movie has a lot of music in it." -A comment I made while watching some of the 80s flick, 'Top Gun'
"It's there to hide the lack of plot." -Walter

August 7, 2005: "I kept offering Sam a swig from the flask, but apparently she has something against drinking and driving." -Phil

July 30, 2005: "Try to behave yourselves tonight so you don't end up in the slammer like Doug." -Mom's cellphone text message to my other brother, Jason, the night I went down to party with him.

March, 2005: "Jesus was a pussy." -Tommy

March 1, 2005: "I have nothing against sluts... If one chick calls another chick a slut, I think she is complimenting her." -Gavin

Feb 2005: "The only thing I installed this weekend was a bunch of birdshot in a bunch of crows..." -Dad (after I told him I had installed a new toilet and vanity in the bathroom over the weekend.)

Jan 28, 2005: " fat chicks won't fit in a hot tub, so you will be less likely to hook up with one." -Gavin (on the benefits of owning a hot tub.)

Nov 2004: "It was pretty bad though. Really. I don't even know if I would consider it sex it was that bad. I felt bad for the guy." -Vikki

Oct 2004: "I was afraid to bring her down the stairs outside because she was so wasted I didn't want her to fall so I brought her all the way around the front so I could be sure you'd get laid." -Doug

Oct 2004: (11:41:29 AM): I really like being single, but it is nice to get pussy and have a girl who gives a shit about you
(11:41:37 AM): that last part is more a theory - from an AIM chat with a friend

Oct 2004: "Just let me get a look at the meat before I decide whether I'm hungry for a steak or if I'd rather stick with my veggie burger." - an anonymous friend in a disgruntled relationship when I told her I could hook her up with a guy

Oct 2004: "I was hoping for just a kiss, but I ended up making out with her for over two hours. It kinda pissed me off because I wanted to watch the Sox game." - Phil

Summer 2004: "Hun, I can't give you a blowjob, a handjob, and hold the pillow all at the same time!" - anonymous friend in the living room during the movie "The Neverending Story"

Spring 2004: "I wanted to move my bed to the other side of the room, but I was afraid you might be able to look into my room when the door was open and see what I was doing in there." -Walt


Full Metal Jacket Quotes:

"You are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized, grabasstic pieces of amphibion shit!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman, Introduction to bootcamp.

"Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit-twinlke-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant?" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to the recruits.

"I'm gonna give you three seconds. Exactly three fucking seconds to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to Private Pyle.

"Why you little maggot! You make me wanna vomit!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to a recruit.

"You slimy scumbag! Get on your face and give me 25!" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to a recruit.

"Holy Jesus! What is that? What the FUCK is that? What is that Private Pyle?!"
"Sir, a jelly donut, sir.."
-Gunnery Sgt. Hartman catches Pyle with a jelly donut in his footlocker.

"Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag, puke piece of shit, or did you have to work on it?" -Gunnery Sgt. Hartman to Private Pyle.

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