WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!!!

Monday, 1-10-2005: Drunk Rambo caught on video.
...So I finally got some video on my machine from the time Gav was up here just over a week ago. It's pretty damn funny to see how wasted and ignorant I was. I kept going on and on about how I wanted to pokerize Serena's friends, but I talked so much shit about them it would have never happened in a million years. My bro tried to film an "E-card" to one of Serena's friends (who I've never even met before.) but I kept screwing it all up. I have a link to some of it below. Maybe I'll add more some other time.

Warning: This clip is offensive, crude, and disrespectful towards women, and it should not be viewed by anyone.
Click here to see how Rambo wins over the ladies. (27 MB download so if you have dialup don't bother.)

Rambo's comments on 3-05-14: Ahhhhh... the classic Cheeze-Its box on my head as I went on a drunken quest to get tail. I had the infamous Gunnery Sgt. Hartman dolls out, and at one point I said "Hey bro, thanks for picking us up at the bar. Hey wait, how did we get home?" Turns out Gavin and I took a cab home from Benjamin's, the fare was $3.85, and I tried to pay $4 and to tell the cabbie "Have a nice life." Thankfully Gavin made me pay a better tip than 15 cents. HAHAHAHA! What a bunch of crap!

Another of many hilarious quotes from that video came a bit later "I just want to put my big dick in your twat and rub it around a little bit and come. If you come great. If not, well, better luck next time!" HAHAHAHAHA! It's no wonder I didn't have a girlfriend back then.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, 2-1-2005: The first of many Neverending Story references!
...I'm downloading theme songs from the movie "The Neverending Story" right now. Is that a bunch of crap? It's one of my favorite movies of all time so I guess my perspective is a bit jaded. That movie is so awesome! Too bad the sequals were steaming, stinking piles of crap. In the original, Atreju has to go through hell and back in order to save his world, and it's supposed to be a kid's movie. His horse dies in the Swamps of Sadness, the evil Wolf nearly eats him, a giant turtle tells him to get lost and sneezes all over him, he loses his good-luck dragon, the evil wolf nearly eats him again, and in the end the NOTHING comes and completely destroys Fantasia. Seriously. They have to fly through space and see chunks of their land float about, and when they see the Ivory Tower is still left they get there just in time for it to fall apart around them as the emperess lies on her deathbed. I'd call that a failed mission. hahahahaha! Fortunately, Bastian gives the princess a new name so Fantasia gets saved. Sounds pretty corny, but it really is a classic movie with a great soundtrack and great special effects for the time period.

Rambo's comments on 3-5-14: One of the first times out of about a billion since that I've mentioned The Neverending Story on this bootleg site so I had to include that paragraph for its historical significance. I actually own the soundtrack on CD; I listened to it a month or two ago. I'm gonna watch the movie again this weekend!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Friday, 3-18-2005: "Elbow", a college acquaintence of Phil's sister, who had to settle for second-best.
Phil's sister rounded up a few of her friends, and I guess she told them I'm pretty much a man-slut, and a bad one at that. According to her all I want is sex and nothing else. (According to me she is right!) One of her friends was jokingly giving me some crap about it periodically throughout the night, but I wonder if she thought that was a good thing. In hindsight she must have! I talked to her some and found out she thought Phil is a stud so I tried to hook her up. EVERY girl thinks Phil is a stud so I wasn't surprised to hear her say that, but for some reason I cannot ever fully understand, he has standards. He's picky. I'll take anything, but he rejects girls like it's a second job or something. He's not gay either. It's weird; must be some inherant character flaw or else bad parenting that stuck.

Of course, when I asked him if he was interested in this girl he said no. I tried to convince him to go for it, but he would neva! I'm not going to comment on her looks here, but I'd say she was at least functional. I think I ribbed him a little bit before I gave up and then I told her that she'd have to settle for second best: me. Later in the night she did!

The only drawback to her sleeping with me was the dread of having to talk to her the next morning. I don't give a crap about her in any sort of dating capacity so I was hoping to avoid that next morning scene where you actually have to talk and shit. Plus those beer goggles come off in the morning! The last thing I wanted to do was have to entertain her or even have her expect a goodbye kiss and shit. I fucking hate that! There is nothing worse than a lingerer: a broad who has done her duty yet does not leave. She stays, and stays, and stays. That's a bunch of crap. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE SO I CAN GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. COME BACK ONLY WHEN YOU ARE HORNY! If I want you to stay I will ask you to stay. (I can't recall ever doing that, but in theory I guess I could picture myself doing it for the right girl.) Thankfully her exit was painless. Her friends knocked on my door in the morning and, while I pretended to be asleep still, they told her it was time to get up because they were leaving. I faked being asleep while she got up and got her shit so I wouldn't have to talk to her. Man I am a piece of shit. Not even quality shit either; I'm rotten fish shit on the bottom of the ocean.

Rambo's comments on 3-5-14: "There's nothing worse than a lingerer: a broad who has done her duty yet does not leave." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the classic "Elbow" who had a weird tattoo on her elbow and who was not at all attractive. The part where I write about how I pretended to be asleep so I wouldn't have to talk to her is 100% true, too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In hindsight I should have sent that chick into Walt's room late-night. Hehehe.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Friday, 3-25-2005: Bootleg medical advice!
..I have this cut on the back of my left middle finger on the knuckle, and it's really starting to piss me off. If I don't wear a bandaid then it oozes pus and blood, and that crap drips onto my shit. If I do wear a bandaid then I feel like a pussy because bandaids are for faggots and little girls. I got gouged while I was at work on Thursday night. One of the rollers on a trailer door got hopelessly wedged off its track so the door wouldn't close. 350 packages fully loaded onto the muther, and the only thing keeping me from dispatching it was one roller off its track. I said "fuck this, I WILL fix this problem because I'm not sitting 350 packages. So I beat the living bejesus out of it, and I lost a piece of skin in the process. Off my middle finger no less. What a bunch of crap! We couldn't get that roller back onto its track if our lives depended on it so after a few minutes of frigging with it I grabbed the bolt cutters and I lopped the entire roller off. I'm lucky nothing flew back into my face, but it was a risk I was willing to take. As long as you close your eyes and look away when you're doing stupid shit then you got nothing to worry about. Right?

Rambo's comments on 3-5-14: "bandaids are for faggots and little girls." HAHAHAHAHA! Some of my award-winning (Hall of Shame award!) medical advice on this bootleg site. In hindsight taking the bolt-cutters to that roller was quite dangerous, but back in the day at FedEx "Danger was my middle name" (Austin Powers voice.)

I love the closing sentence of this update, "As long as you close your eyes and look away when you're doing stupid shit then you got nothing to worry about. Right?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious quote that literally makes me laugh out loud. I'm amazed that I've never been seriously injured considering some of the crap that I've done over the years.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Thursady, 4-28-2005: aI hate you all and why is this shit purple? .
What the fuck, over? Why did the heading turn purple? Wwell that is a bunch of crap but I do not care. I hate you and you can eat the corn out of my shit. I have not eaten corn, but I'm sure a kernal is there anyway because corn gets in shit like clouds get in the sky. It's not even the 28th anymore, but it's at night and close enough. Some simp named "Bovine" wrote in my guestbook earlier about banging some slut and I fell his pain. I don't know what bovine means but I do know I am so wasted I dunno what my middle name is (first name = rambo_ You know aht is a bunch of crap? Mother fuckers who cheat on their significant others. What the fuck?! Why do mofos cheat on their husbands and wives and shit? They are all pathetic pieces of civilian shit. I hate them all. I want them to die. Via torture. I should go on a rant about how much cheaters suck but I cannnot see clearly and I got problems right now. I think Natty LiTe was on sale at the bar and I drank a lot and I don't gotta twork tomorrow cause I got a day off and you can kiss my ass cause I go to o beat my bro at Bases Loaded cause I rule at thet fuckin game no one can stop me I am da man so eat me you fuckin pieces of useless whit! Did I say What a bunch of crap yet? If not then I will say goodnight by saying "What a bunch of crap!"

Rambo's comments on 3-5-14: "I hate you and you can eat the corn out of my shit. I have not eaten corn, but I'm sure a kernal is there anyway because corn gets in shit like clouds get in the sky" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Another laugh-out-loud moment for me in Crap folklore. It's been a long time since I've had a late-night drunken Crap update. Some of those drunken rants are damn funny, including the one above. I wonder if April 28, 2005 was the last time that I played Bases Loaded? I used to DOMINATE that game. It's one of my all-time favorite NES games!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday, 7-09-2005: I didn't even know her name...
Walt, Phil, one of Phil's friends from work, and I all went out last night to the new club Gemeni downtown. By the time we got there I was already half drunk and of course I was just getting warmed up. We weren't there long before I fight almost broke out right on top of us. A couple of idiot guys started going at it, they nearly knocked Phil's booze out of his hand, and we had to intervene quickly. I helped seperate the simps and I had my hands on each one of them as I held them back. Phil and others jumped right in and the bouncers showed up so the situation never got out of hand. I'm glad neither of those fucksticks decided to take a swing at me when I pushed them apart because I would have had to break out the crazy ninja moves. One of the guys smelled like a bunch of crap; I bet they were fighting over food stamps or something.

Phil ran into a girl he knew from back in high school later on, and I started talking to her after everyone else went to other parts of the bar for various reasons. She seemed really nice so we talked for a while and she decided to come back to our place to hang out at our bar! Having a bar at the apartment = impress the ladies. We drank until about 5AM, long after everyone else had crashed. I wish I could remember how in the hell we managed to kill over three hours at my bar, but I was way too drunk. I guess we talked and joked around. I know I got the munchies and ate a lot of donut holes. 10 beers weren't enough; I needed to really fuck my body over by cramming pure shit food into it. I think she was too drunk to drive so she crashed in my bed for the night. That and she realized how elite I am. When I woke up this morning in a still drunken and dazed state of mind I had a revelation. I have no standards. They are gone. I'll take any girl I can get as long as she ain't married or illegal (damn that 16 and up law...) Even if the girl is bigger than me and could crush me I do not care.

I woke up and realized I had no fucking clue who I was sleeping next to. I'm sure she told me her name at some point in the night, but I was probably too drunk and the music was too loud for me to get it. I was so drunk that a couple guys who I know ran into me and I didn't recognize them at first. One guy, Tim, came over to say hello and he had been working at my apartment for 8 hours that very same day. After he left I said "who the hell was that?!" Turns out it was only the guy I hired to help renovate my building. I'd been helping him for hours earlier in the day. What a bunch of crap!

I do know this girl's name now because she wrote it down when she gave me her phone number. That was awesome of her! I probably won't call because I am a shithead, but it's nice to have a name at least. If she didn't write down her name I guess I could have gotten it from Phil anyway. I didn't really want to ask her for her phone number, but I did it just because I didn't know how else to say goodbye without seeming rude. I sure as hell wasn't gonna give her a goodbye kiss or walk her out to her car like a nice guy might have done. Fuck that shit! (Reason # 132,848, 765 why I am still single and will stay that way for a long, long time.) She seems like a really nice person so she deserves someone nice. Not someone like me!

Rambo's comments on 3-5-14: "I woke up and realized I had no fucking clue who I was sleeping next to." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, I don't even remember some of these girls from my past? How bad does that make me? "I sure as hell wasn't gonna give her a goodbye kiss or walk her out to her car like a nice guy might have done. Fuck that shit!" HAHAHAHAHAHA! I wonder if I ever saw that chick again in my life? I seriously would not have remembered that ever happened if not for this bootleg site!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Sunday, 7-17-2005: The "Redneck Brigade" is a must-see!
One of the most entertaining things I have seen in my life is the "Redneck Brigade." My brother, Jason, and his friends, Shawn, Steve, and Chris all came up last night to party. I nicknamed them the Redneck Brigade last night because that's how they act. Those guys are so crazy! Shawn aka "Manktown" just got a mohawk with a "M" in the back of it so he looks hilariuos. They all showed up around 8 in Steve's truck, hooting and hollering, and they were all hammered. Manktown was the driver and I knew he had been drinking when he got out and handed me his booze to hold for him! They parked on the wrong side of the street on my neighbor's side so I asked Manktown to move the truck to my side. Well he not only moved to my side but he also moved to the back lot by driving right up a steep embankment. He barely missed running over my tenent parking signs and he got a flat tire in the process so I bet he regrets that move. Actually probably not because it wasn't even his truck!

Right before the Redneck Brigade made their grand entrance this girl who I met at the bar last week decided to show up. I had not called her because I didn't give a shit and because I'm not looking for a woman right now, but she decided to COME OVER TO MY HOUSE TO SEE ME! WHAT A FUCKING BUNCH OF CRAP! She just showed up unannounced and I was totally shocked by that move. Good thing I wasn't downloading porn or rubbing one out or something offensive like that. I was actually just sitting in the living room watching some TV with Phil and drinking Bud Light. (I would have had Natty, but Bud Light was on sale a couple weeks ago.) Fortunately I was smart enough to explain why I had not called her. The first thing I said to her was "Hey, sorry I didn't call you but I'm not looking for a girlfriend and I'm a shithead." I felt pretty good about getting that in the open. She still stuck around after that so I hope she doesn't think she can change my mind. Fuck that shit!

^Hutt-Momma!

Once the Redneck Brigade arrived the fun really got going. Jason came into the apartment and was totally wrecked. I've never seen him so drunk! He was like a standup comedian, though. There was another girl here so he immediately started hitting on her. She has a boyfriend, but that didn't stop him. He walked around and pretended to be a bull, making all kinds of hilarious facial expressions and snorting noises. Of course he was doing that for the ladies! He told the girl "Hey, I got a secret. Don't use the toilet." She said "Why?" He replied "Cause the PIPES ARE CLOGGED!" and at the same time he flexed his arms and made a menacing face. I about fell off the couch laughing at that one. Later he took the battery off his Ipod music player and was sticking it in his pants and asking the ladies if they wanted to see his compartment. The thing was only about an inch long so I guess he was sending them a message about the size of his dink.

Shortly after that we heard a loud crashing sound from the cellar. Doug was down there with the other three members of the Redneck Brigade, and they were lifting weights. One guy had 225 pounds on the bench, but he dumped it all over the floor. Even three spotters couldn't save him! What a bunch of crap. Nothing worse than a bunch of drunk guys trying to prove themselves to each other.

These guys were on a mission to score with the ladies. A couple of them went down to the store across the street to get more booze, and Phil and his friend had just gone down there to get booze too. She waited in the truck while Phil bought the stuff, and the Redneck Brigade saw her so they started hitting on her. They said "Hey, there's a party right across the street. You wanna come?" Of course she had just come from this place! Later at the bar the Redneck Brigade was all over the place macking up every girl inside. Jason convinced a couple girls to spank his ass, and he was grinding on every single girl on the dance floor. Fortunately this time around no one punched him in the face and we didn't get kicked out like we did a couple years ago at Barnaby's. (That was a bunch of crap!)

Overall it was a fun night. No one got arrested and no one got hurt so I'd call that a success. I actually got out onto the dance floor with this girl and she ended up hanging out with me all night long. I think she likes me so this could be bad. Real bad. One thing she better not do is keep showing up over here without calling ahead. Fuck that! When she was leaving today I gave her my number so she won't have to come here to find me. (Well maybe she will still have to come here if I decide to skip answering my phone like I do so much!) If she tries to call me she might have a hard time getting through because I'm pretty sure 1-800-AWESOME will not lead to me. That's seriously the phone number I gave to her! I also did give her my "other" number, my real number. I also told her I wouldn't be calling her. She said something about having balls so I don't know if that is a bad thing or not. I think it is bad...

...Wow Phil just brought one of his friends into my room and told me I had to fuck her. I do not understand what the hell happened, but I had to say "no." I wanted to pokerize her because she is HOT, but I had a feeling I was in a lose-lose situation. They had been drinking so I'm sure their perspective was a bit skewed, and I think Phil was trying to prove some kind of a point to her. Not sure what that point was exactly, but it had something to do with the fact she is his friend and I once said I'd never fuck her because she's his friend. I'll fuck a 300 pound beached whale-looking broad, but I won't fuck a hot chick if she's one of my roommates potential or current fuck buddies. I JUST SAID NO TO A HOT CHICK. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! Excuse me while I go hang myself.

Rambo's comments on 3-5-14: The classic Redneck Brigade. That was definitely a wild night! Literally right before Jason and all the guys showed up this giant, disgusting fat chick (Hutt!) just showed the hell up at my place. She didn't call ahead, she didn't IM me, she didn't email (I didn't text until around 2008 so forget that option.) What a bunch of crap! She was so grossly fat, too.

Jason was so damn funny that night. Watching him hit on all the women was like watching a standup comedian. Back then those guys sure knew how to party. Just a few weeks after that we had an epic party down in Rockland that I should post about next.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Sunday, 8-7-2005: I'm back and better than ever.
...So the night ended with me bringing home my brother's ex-girl and with me almost getting some action from one of my brother's best friend's fiancee. The cops came, we ate charred food, we trashed the house, and we put two motorcycles out of service. Manktown tried the hardest to get laid and he failed perhaps because his legs were green. Oh, and someone peed on the church bus. We collectively drank many gallons of beer and over two $55 bottles of Grey Goose vodka as well as tons of other stuff. In all my years of partying I think that one party was the wildest one I've ever gone to! I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Rambo's comments on 3-5-14: That was a huge Lobster Festival party that Jimmy had. Jason rented a room from Jimmy for a few years in Jimmy's house close to downtown Rockland and we had some fun times there for sure. Watching those guys party was quite the show back in their heyday. I remember this chick trying to make out with me while her frigging fiancee was in the other room. What a bunch of crap!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday, 8-13-2005: I was liquored up when I wrote this paragraph as part of an update:
...In conclusion from now on everyone who reads this site might be disappointed because I'm all done doing some of the shit I've done over the past couple years. There will be no more pokerizing 17-year old sluts, and there will be no more pokerizing fat chicks whom I don't care about at all. I'm all done trying to mack on broads who have STDs, and there will be no more trying to get a piece of action from broads with zits all over their faces. From now on I'm gonna either try to get girls who aren't fat, slimy, walrus-looking pieces of shit or else I am going to get nothing. If that means I gotta jerk off more often then so be it. I'm not really certain I will mean everything I just wrote because boning a fat broad is better than rubbing one out, but god damn it I swear I am going to try as hard as I can to do better in life.

Rambo's comments on 3-6-14: I wonder how many times over the years that I promised myself I wouldn't get so drunk that I got hungover or that I would start having standards when it comes to women? "I'm not really certain I will mean everything I just wrote because boning a fat broad is better than rubbing one out..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, I was definitely drunk when I wrote that.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Saturday, 9-24-2005: I've been doing this crap for over a year.
I was just noticing that my very first entry was September 19 of last year. Damn! I wonder how much longer I'll be able to keep this bootleg shithole going? I enjoy writing updates on here and I've been updating a lot more often lately since I'm not working so much. I'm also not getting laid so that is a problem. That is an ongoing problem I have grown accustomed to, though. I got laid back in July so I guess that wasn't too long ago was it? She weighed enough to equal two women so I really had a threesome, and something that awesome means I deserve a vacation from sex. Right? No? I hate myself.

Rambo's comments on 3-6-14: "She weighed enough to equal two women so I really had a threesome, and something that awesome means I deserve a vacation from sex. Right? No? I hate myself." AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That must have been "Abba the Hutt" or "Hutt-Momma."

___________________________________________________________________________________

Sunday, 12-11-2005: A funny disclaimer at the end of this update.
Disclaimer to Hutt: Hey I know you will probably read this because somehow everyone I know finds their way to this piece of crap site. It's funny they do because I don't tell many people about it. It's sort-of like Sloth from The Goonies. Mama Fratelli was embarassed about him so she shackled him in a dingy cellar. This site is an embarassment to my family name like Sloth was an embarassment to the Fratelli name.

I'm sure you read the other disclaimers on here about how I will make fun of everyone so don't take that picture I posted up there personally. Go back in the archives and take a look; I promise you I make fun of every other girl I've been with on here. On second thought you can skip the archives because my sex life is so bad that I usually write about deer hunting and lifting weights and the Red Sox. Just trust me, ok?

PS: Sloth is awesome!

Rambo's comments on 3-6-14: I was referencing The Goonies even way back in 2005. That Goonies reference was not my first on the Crap. I don't think I started saying "Goonies never say die!" until a later year...

___________________________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, 12-13-2005: "Not to mention you are a little bit of a butt munch"
VIKKI: i just cant stand your ignorance at times
RAMBO: Besides the word "dinkette" you have not given me any reason to believe you
VIKKI: HAHAHAHAH
VIKKI: "get my beer wench"
RAMBO: Who said that?
VIKKI: ^
RAMBO: Oh come on! I was only joking, wench;-)
VIKKI: ooh, you may not remember.
VIKKI: you are usually drunk when I'm there.
RAMBO: I know it is because the beer makes girls look better
VIKKI: When I go there sometimes and you are not drinking, or whatever, you are so pleasant to be around
VIKKI: =-O
VIKKI: you did NOT just say that.
VIKKI: wow

Rambo's comments on 3-6-14: Part of an AIM chat where this girl told me how much of a fuckstick I am. "You are usually drinking when I'm there." "I know it is because the beer makes girls look better." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Great stuff!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Monday, 12-19-2005: Part of an update after we visited with family before Xmas
It was great to see everyone, but it sucked making small talk at first. Em talked about rowing and coaching, Anne talked about teaching and painting, and Jason and I talked about shooting deer, chasing fat chicks, and drinking cheap beer. Jason wanted Dad to stop at the store on the way down to Grammy and Papa's so we could get some booze. I was in strong agreement with that request, but we were denied. No wonder Mom thinks I'm an alcoholic!

Rambo's comments on 3-6-14: That was back when Mom seriously thought I was fucked. Well, maybe she really didn't think that but she sure had me convinced of her opinion. The sad thing is, I didn't even care... if I cared! She thought I was an alcoholic because she heard how I got wild when we partied. Since then she's chilled out and I don't think she believes that I'm an alcoholic. I hope not anyway! She's a great mother so I don't blame her for being bitchy to me at times back then. I probably deserved it.

Jason has really chilled out since 2005, too. He used to really know how to party, but he never did pokerize fat chicks... that I know of anyway. Back then he was banned from half the bars in Rockland. True story!